My 15 y/o daughter is phone junky. Our family uses cell phones only and she uses mine during her phone time. Recently, she has been talking to boys that have been disrespectful to my wife and I and she is now forbidden to talk to them. Lately, she has been deleting call log entries to "cover" her tracks. I have been more than fair with her and I am at my wits end. She has become quite untrustworthy, is irresponsible and verbally abusive to her 6 siblings. I am usually an answer guy and now I need help. Anyone with suggestions (real ones from real parents), please help!! I work with counseling adolescents and while a bit of irresponsibility and anger is normal for a 15 year old. It does sound as if she may be developing some bad habits and anger issues. Without knowing more about the situation than a few sentences in this question, I would say this, as far as the cell phone goes, you need to tell her that as long as you are paying for the phone she needs to respect your request for her to not call certain boys that you feel are disrespectful and bad influences.
Doing that shows her that you care about her and also want the best for her, even though it might make her mad at the time. Also, it would be good to tell her that it doesn't matter if she deletes the call log, because you or your wife can look at the records on the phone bill and see the number.
As far as the verbal abuse goes with the other siblings, I would say that is normal developmentally for her age. But if things continue to get worse and you have talked with her and nothing changes. I would recommend taking her to see a school counselor, youth pastor, or any other counselor and talk about the situation with them. Sometimes it really helps to have that third party who can translate for you to your daughter and also from her to you.
Good Luck!! I hope everything turns out great!! Take away ALL phone priviledges until she can learn how to conduct herself towards your family. No cell phone, no land line. NOTHING. That will change her tune real quick. All calls are to be taken and made in your presence for at least a month or until you feel comfortable with the conversations and who she is talking to.
Afterwards, she is to say goodbye while in front of you and hand you the phone so she cannot delete anything from the phone. She must earn trust and this is a good time to show her that it is not automatically given.
If she does not agree, than she doesn't use the phone. Tell her: As long as you are financially supporting her and she is under your roof, she has to follow your rules.
Adolescents are looking for boundaries and you as a parent need to provide them.
There need to be consequences to breaking your rules. If you say, you can't talk to such person for such reasons, then if she talks to such person, you need some consequence (e.g. less time on the phone, misses a party she wants to go to, etc. though set this up ahead of time, can't be applied retroactively)
read some of the teen parenting books. I haven't read it but heard "how to talk so your kids will listen" is a good book but am not sure for what age group.
good luck! and consider seeking family therapy (though really it's just to get your kid in...) but I use family therapy as an excuse to pull the teen in. if the teen doesn't want to go, then you say "we'll be talking about you there, so you might want to come to defend yourself."
=) I would stop the abuse right now. Do you know what kind of affect that has on a child like when a parent does that to their child but now it is a child abusing another child. It sounds like she has a problem.
Some girls act like this when it comes to boys, she will get calmed down real quick, you'll see. I would forbid her from seeing her friends, tv, internet and all of the things she loves to do.
If you can recall the numbers of these boys that has been disrespectful then call them back and ask to talk to their parents ans most of the time other parents will not allow them to call whomever back. See if that cools her little redboat. She ought to have a phone of her own...if there is no landline it is not really fair for her to have no access to phones at all...get her one and give her a credit limit...if she spends it all in a week tough...no more till next month...this will teach her to be more careful....but to deny her access is wrong. Like a lady above my post said, get her one of her own. Perhaps you could make her do specific chores to earn the monthly fee? Even a TracPhone (with minutes that you purchase on a card - eliminates the overage worries) would be a great thing.
I know that you wanted answers from parents, but I am a 21 year old female...15 wasn't too long ago, and I remember the telephone fight quite well. It wasn't so much that my friends were disrespectful (some did call a bit late on occasion), but that I was on the phone so much!
Being 15 means no driver's license (therein, having to ask parents to take you places if it's far, and having to be early enough to be safe if it's close by) and being in that age group where there isn't a WHOLE lot to do that doesn't require much money (oh, yeah, 15 means few jobs as well).
So, as a 15 year old girl with no license and no solid job, a lot of her social growth (not in popularity, really, but in learning how to deal with people and judge character/seek truth without being able to see the other's face) is accomplished via telephone.
That, and she has SIX siblings. At 15, it's generally easier to have good relationships with your siblings if you can also spend a good deal of time interacting with people of your choice that aren't constantly around. Developing her own bonds with people that haven't always been there...that haven't been raised and taught with the same values and therefore learning how to communicate with people of different backgrounds, agendas and ideas is all part of that age.
And, while those boys should not be rude to you (if ANY of my friends disrespect my family aside from teasing, they'd hear a piece of my mind and then some), they are 15 year old boys. They aren't the most tactful creatures (then again, neither are 15 year old girls), and sometimes salamanders have more common sense. On the other hand, there are some 15 year olds of each sex that are intelligent beyond their years...
It's natural for her to seek privacy (especially at that age and ESPECIALLY with so many siblings)...and since she is probably feeling "lonely in a crowd", she went to that measure just to kill that feeling. Forbidding her to speak with certain people will most likely only enhance it.
In your situation, I would find her a phone of her own. AT&T, for example, offers the $9.99/month for additional lines, and that shares into the family pool of minutes. Tell her that she needs to do certain things for the priviledge to have it, and that it will be taken away if there are any overages until that debt is repaid.
As far as the friends go...you should meet her friends before she heads out with them (whether date or not) if you haven't already, EVEN if just to remember the names and faces she was with if something happens. You'll be able to tell pretty quickly if any of them are actually bad for your daughter to be around, or if they are just being goofy boys trying to impress her/themselves/their friends and making their first attempts at asserting manliness. Forbidding her from talking to them is pushing her to rebel - in my opinion, it's best to let her chatter...remember, not everyone is raised with social grace, and those boys will most likely grow out of it.
Another thing with AT&T is that you can label all of the phone numbers online with names...have her label the numbers so that you can view the bill and see who she's been on with. If she refuses - *bink* phone's gone. If she labels falsely *bink* phone's gone, and she's grounded. A TracPhone doesn't let you do that, but won't go into overage and doesn't cost as much (unless you want it to).
Either way, it's hard to be that age and have that many people constantly around that are not at the same place in life, worrying about the same things (however frivalous), and doing the same things. Maybe letting a bit of the anger towards the friends slide and giving her another chance to be trustworthy with the phone will prove to be good for all involved so long as you lay down the groudn rules before hand.
Good luck - I called my dad while typing this and he just started laughing...his advice is that it's a phase, annoying but temporary, and that giving her some slack will help her socially and keep the fighting down. Oh, and he says that 15 year old boys are dorks (I'm sure my 15 year old brother was in the room).
Sorry that I'm not a parent as you requested, but I think that my point has merit. Maybe you'll go with it, maybe not - either way, it's here for you to consider. |
