this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will.
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She
loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and
somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man,
he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car
broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she
would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small
diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three
large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I
have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated
herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the
telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then
went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded
her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on
like this for another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the
air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her
hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for
taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had
not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy
Birthday"!!!
Now forward this to all of your friends who deserve a good laugh!!! I failed my driver鈥檚 test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don鈥檛 know鈥?look around, listen to the radio鈥?(Bill Braudis).
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you鈥檙e a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I鈥檓 too young to die. I鈥檓 only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you鈥檙e eighty two." "How鈥檚 you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it鈥檚 worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I鈥檒l go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town鈥檚 only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can鈥檛 leave," the doctor says. 鈥楤ut here鈥檚 what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. 鈥榃hat did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you鈥檙e gonna die."
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
I can鈥檛 think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they鈥檙e dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley) thanks for the tickle!!!!!!!!!!!! |
