having an affair with someone in Thailand, I know the persons name, telephone number and email, but I don't know what to do about it, I need to be 100% sure, we have been married for 40 years and have grandchildren that depend on us, they are the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment. I have confronted him with this, but I know I am not getting the truth from him, he tells me I have nothing to worry about, but with all the furtive phones calls and text messages and chatting on the net for hours on end till the early hours of the morning what am I suppose to think. Also he does not like me in the same room when he is on the computer. He has locked me out of his email, something he has never done before and has also stopped me answering his mobile phone. I think he has told her I am his sister or maybe mother!!!! If anyone out there can give me any sensible advice I would be grateful, I am at my wits end. You are all right in what you say, but I have never had to deal with anything like this before, he has always been faithful. He met her while his was working with a relief organisation about 12/18 months ago, and I cannot go with him as I am not able to do the things he does as I have rh. arthritis, but I would never stop him going. I have always trusted him with my life in the past, but that is now wavering. Wow. I am very sorry to hear this is happening to you. You sound like a nice and smart lady; and this is really awful.
I am sending you a YAHOO article that may help you. However, I would advise you to do a couple of things too:
1. Go to a therapist or counselor ASAP. I mean it!
You cannot live like this. If you do, you will end up sick or hospitalized. I'm not kidding.
You need to vent and a trained professional can help you and guide you so you can take the right decisions. (Sometimes it's easier to talk to total strangers than it is to talk to friends:)
2. Evaluate things very carefully. Make a list of pros and cons, and see them in black and white. Which side has more items? The pros of staying with him, or the cons?
Be honest and please evaluate your feelings with patience. You don't have to make an overnight decision; but you will eventually have to make one. And this means either accepting things as they are...or getting out.
Remember...We cannot change other people. We can only change ourselves and our attitudes. If this is true and he thinks he is "in love" or whatever, then there is nothing you can do to "make him snap out of it". Sorry, but love cannot be forced or made to happen.
Please take care of yourself. Be nice and kind to yourself. You are a wonderful person and you have a lot of things to offer...Do not let this man make you feel sad or make you turn into a bitter person. Don't give him this power to hurt you.
Seek counseling and therapy......and ask God to heal you and guide you, too. He is the Best Doctor around.
You will be in my prayers.
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Top 9 signs your spouse is cheating
You have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, something is not right but you can鈥檛 quite figure out what that feeling is about.
Your spouse has become distant, he/she is working late on a regular basis or, maybe your spouse has moved out of the house with no explanation.
You suspect there may be someone else but every time you bring it up with your spouse, he/she denies the possibility.
All the signs are there but you don鈥檛 have any proof.
So, pay attention to the signs and your instinct but, be careful and don鈥檛 confuse signs with proof.
1. "I'm not in love with you anymore."
If you hear these words, a big warning bell should go off. This is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. Your spouse may have a deep, loving bond with you but, intense feelings of passion can override the bond with you and cause your spouse to loose sight of his/her true feelings. The cheating spouse will develop what I call hormone - induced amnesia. The surging hormones and passion they feel in their new relationship can cause some very skewed thinking.
2. 鈥淲e are just friends.鈥?br>
This is also another very predictable statement that will come from a cheating spouse. If your spouse is spending more and more time with this new 鈥渇riend鈥?then there is probably more to it than mere friendship. Your spouse may feel they have a lot in common with this person, that this person understands them and things they are going through. Whatever the reasons for the friendship, it鈥檚 a big warning sign and one you should take seriously.
3. A sudden need for privacy.
If things the two of you used to share openly suddenly become private pay attention cause something is probably up. He/she may start password protecting computer activity. Cell phone and credit card bills may be hidden. If you ask why or attempt to find out information that used to be common knowledge between the two of you, you will be accused of snooping or trying to control your spouse. Big warning sign!
4. 鈥淚 need some space to figure my feelings for you.鈥?br>
Men and women who are involved with someone else will request more space, time alone or away from the family. They may say it is due to confusion over their feelings or stress at work. This can be a sign that there is someone else and the spouse is trying to figure out ways to have more freedom.
5. Regular work habits change.
Working late, going to work at odd hours or, putting in more time than is normal on work related issues can be indications that a spouse is cheating.
6. Spending a large amount of time on the computer.
In today鈥檚 world, with modern technology, a person looking for an affair doesn鈥檛 even have to leave their home. The ease of internet chat rooms, online dating sites and secret email accounts has caused an alarming increase in emotional affairs.
If your spouse is online more than usual, hanging out in chat rooms and visiting pornographic websites then you have reason to be alarmed.
7. Secretive phone calls and more time spent on the phone.
Emotional affairs occur primarily via the phone, especially cell phones. If you find your spouse hanging up suddenly when you enter the room or erasing the history on the cell phone and becoming defensive when asked about it, then you might want to check your phone records.
8. Behavior that just doesn鈥檛 add up.
Not being where he/she was expected to be. Missing time they can鈥檛 explain. Money that isn鈥檛 accounted for. Receipts for things you don't have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day.
9. Your Own fears and suspicions
If you find yourself looking for excuses for your spouse's behavior or trying to convince yourself that they would never cheat then that is a warning sign.
Your intuition is frequently one of the best indicators that something is wrong. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then confront him or her with what you've found.
Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty.
Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become excellent liars. People who never told a lie before in their lives.
Trust your gut instinct but get hard, cold proof also.
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Warning Signs of Cheating SpousesCheating Spouse - Spying on a Cheating SpouseCheating - How Do I Know My Spouse Is CheatingWarning Signs of an Emotional AffairIs Negativity Hurting Your Marriage? look at the phone bills... see who he's calling and for how long. Then call them and see what's going on.
Get one of those spy programs and install it on the computer that will take a video of everything done on that computer.
Put a hidden mic in the room where he always talks and you can listen to the conversations. You could set up a hidden cam for your pc if you have one to watch and listen(record)what
is being said.You could bug he's phone(not
expensive)You could hire a private detective.
I'm saying these a you say your sure and you
will need proof for a divorce if there is one.You
say he is having an affair with someone in Thailand.Find out where he stays when he goes.Insist you go with him the next time he goes. What Sensible advice can be offered? Other than to ring this person and ask them outright.If your Husband is treating you like an out cast,start behaving like one. Stop cooking,cleaning and anything else you do for him.Don't worry about your Grandchildren you will never lose them,but the way your husband is behaving,He might. I think you should call her and ask her (telling her that you are his sister) if they are.
Or you could not.
i mean 40 years is a long time, i wouldn't want to ruin it.
I'm sorry but i don't know what to tell you, since you've already tried talking to him.
Wishing the best of luck honestly i dont want to insight violence but some women would have shot him already considering that after 40 yrs of your life is gone he's trying to start a new one, confront him, if it gets worse then...sadly you may have to just leave him. just dump him. What a can of worms! This woman in Thailand, when did he meet her? Was he in Viet Nam in the 60's? Is there a chance that they had a child together? Or could she be a golddigger who is after his money? You need answers, and quick. He is displaying all the signs of a man who is cheating, even if it is "only" phone calls and emails. After 40 years of marriage, you deserve to be treated a lot better than this.
If you can't get a straight answer out of him, and you are willing to accept the consequences, then call her up and tell her that you don't appreciate her interfering with a 40-year marriage. Honey, no matter how long you have been married you took vowels to be faithful. If I were you i would get a stroke detector for the computer is it a program you can install that records everything typed. If you are not computer savvy get someone who is trustful to help you out. And no matter who depends on you... you have to be happy yourself. If you family loves you they will understand. There is absolutely no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. Even when it seems like there isnt life outside of it.. there is. You will find happiness you just have to be truthful to yourself. Hope this is helpful.. i caught my fiance cheating with one of those programs.. kept me from making a huge mistake. ;)
HERE YOU GO!! its 97.00 you can download it online... it records e-mails, websites, and instant messaging, and everything he types... Get your proof!
http://www.awarenesstech.com/Monitoring-... You know what he's doing now the question is how do you want to respond to this? You have 40 yrs in a marriage, grown children and grandchildren. I think you need to look at the pros/cons of staying/leaving the marriage. You have to decide what your marriage is worth to you. If you decide to stay, then you need to decide if you're willing to put up with the emotional (at least) affair. If you're not willing to put up with it, then put your foot down and let him know that there are no locked doors in your house, if he continues, the computer goes and you'll call her to let her know it's over. Good Luck give him an ultimatum, tell him you want to seak to this person that he devotes so much time to or its over simple as that, that way you can find out who she is and what the deal is between them
if he refuses pack a few of his things and kick him out (when hes not there) change the locks and leave a suitcase outside for him (f you dont want to cause a scene) or wait till hes back and then chuck his stuff out one by one at him dramatic but poignant
you've got children and grandchildren to turn to for support if he chooses to follow a thai fling let him, you've already gone most of the way with the break up and its pretty clear that its more than just a friendship
before you decide to do this talk to your children and let them know your concerns and see wha they think about it afterall you'll be affecting their lifes aswell but they also know your husband as much as you do so can see it from your POV when it comes to wanting the relationship to continue but also why you feel so betrayed and shut out
good luck, communication is key Don't worry!
He's only having a bit of fun on the internet.
He is fantasizing.
A bit of cyber sex perhaps?
The time to worry is when he gets on a plane and goes off to meet her.
He would most likely be back sooner than expected as she would have imagined a gorgeous young rich hunk and would get a shock when a 60 ish Granddad arrived!
It's only a dream! Oh dear, this sounds like this is a very terrible situation for you, I don't think that there is a right or wrong way to deal with it, if you call or e-mail this woman, you may get answers but it may hurt and make matters worse... if you confront him... you may not get the answers you want, If i were in this situation, I would set up a new e-mail account and e-mail this woman saying that you have had to change your address as your partner is suspicious, then pretend to be him, then you'll have the proof and you can do with it what you wish... we can never be rational in these circumstances... I Hope it all works out for the best. Good Luck I agree with nannaplu. You need to change you. You need to make some sort of stand so that you can take control of your life and you need to shake this guy up.
First things first. Sending you a big hug. Because you need one now. You sound like a lovely woman and you obviously put your family first. You are in shock hun. Its so awful for you. People dont understand that after 40 years its so hard to walk away. This must have shaken the foundations of your being. But you cant just sit back and watch this unfold.
My brother lives in Thailand. Itis a third world country. Many girls/women there live in poverty. They travel from the north where they used to work in the fields, down to the south to work in bars and pick up men. Its called survival. Its a meal on the table for them and their family. Very often the men set up accounts and send them money. The girls are very shrewd. Often they have 3 men on the go sending them money and then going out and being their 'girlfriend' for 3 months at a time. These girls have no morals. They live from hand to mouth.
I am not saying this woman is definitely like this but there is a good possibility she may be looking for a better life for herself and her family.
The women are very often petite and attractive. This makes the men feel youthful again. The old midlife crisis springs to mind.
Trouble is your husband is probably living a fantasy. He is getting older and looking to regain his youth. This is where you need to be strong and make a stand. And you need to be very careful with your finances. This woman could convince him to do anything she likes, if she has her claws in. You need to protect yourself. I would be more worried about that side of things. There is a good chance he may be sending her money.
You need to confide in an older family member/friend you trust. You need to take the emotions out of this and be strong and start thinking very seriously. This woman is threatening your entire existance.
Get angry and get strong. Get an emergency appointment with your GP counsellor. Go onto antidepressants for a short time if you need to but get yourself sorted out and decide what you are going to do. My brother has been ripped off a few times by these women (I dont blame them I blame him). He even paid for a girlfriend to have a breast implant in Bangkok (拢5000) and he never saw her again.
You will be ok but you need to get some sort of order and control back in your life. He is doing this because he is living in a fantasy world. He is doing it because he can. He is not thinking straight.
Act now and protect yourself financially and emotionally. Tell him that you know exactly what is going on and you are not putting up with it. You cant carry on like this.. xx |
