Married- is this cheating ?

been married for 15 years with 3 children 16,12,7. 9 years ago my wife eyed up a man at church then pursued him by telephoning him and going in to his workplace to see him because she was attracted to him. She then told a friend she liked him and then went and told him she liked him. She says she said it to him because she didint want anything to happen and as he was a christian she wanted the right answer so it could be sorted out - he said because she was married nothing would happen although he liked her as well. she then told me and promised nothing like this would happen again.

More recently 2 years ago whilst at work someone 14 years younger than her came on to her. complimenting her etc. she then proceeded to flirt with him using words like "its nice to be liked by someone like that" and "i was attracted to the talk not the person" and 5 months in hugged him and discussed what underwear she was wearing. she also said she ensured the attention continued which ones worse ?

Creepy.

They are both bad - pursuing a church guy? What kind of woman pursues a guy? Especially a married one?

I am not sure what needs of hers are not being met - but she has an obligation as your wife to tell you what those needs are. That sucks for you, I am sorry.

You need to sit down and talk to her. Why does she feel the need to try and attract other men? What is her perception of going too far? Only talking will help you both move on.

She's chasing after other men. That should tell you something about her.

If you don't want her getting it from other men, then you give it to her...and I'm not just talking about sex.

This is not a good thing. If she is a Christian, she knows in her heart it's wrong. Talk to her and confirm what she already knows. Tell her it bothers you. She should understand..

Sound like with a little coercion, she would be very easily led. I would demand some straight talking from this woman and lay down the rules as to what is acceptable and what isn't.

Technically its not cheating but hell man - your wife has NO respect for you or your feelings. Try and sort it out by talking to her or consider moving on. You deserve better than this xx

Its not cheating its being really inconsiderate of your feelings. She's going waaay too far. People flirt but there is no reason to tell a person you "like" them when your married. I think being married is a clear enough indication that nothing should happen.

You two need to re-define what is acceptable behavior in these situations. What would she do if the show was on the other foot.

i wouldnt consider this actual cheating but she is cheating you out of a loyal wife. this is inappropriate. we do need attention, we need to be told we look good, smell good, are doing a good job, but when she carries it on for this long and discusses the underwear she is wearing, this is not healthy for a married woman. it can cause trust issues when there shouldnt be any and her mind will start to think she can slowly get away with more and more and more and it could lead to more. you really need to sit her down and talk to her and tell her how much this bothers you and that she can not continue to do this.

do you get a lot of alone time? maybe you should set up a date night or send her flowers out of the blue to work to let her know you love and appriciate her.

good luck!!

It's not cheating in the second instance. Women like attention, that'll never change.

The first instance however is messed up. When she put the ball in his court by laying it out there, what would have happened if he said, "Cool. I like you too. There's a hotel right around the corner." She needs to learn that flirting is ok, but devloping strong feeling to the point where she is compelled to act on them is wrong. Basically, it sounds like she has husband #2 picked out for when you two are over, LOL.

she is emotionally cheating on you, which can be worse then physical cheating. Once you have strayed in your heart its hard to go back. She is feeling unwanted or underappreciated by you. she needs more affirmation that you still find her desirable and sexy. That is why she tells you, so maybe you will get a bit jealous. She is the mother of your children, let her know she is also the woman of your dreams.

You say that she hasn't actually cheated on you but I would suggest thats more because of the guilt she would feel through her religion than her loyalty to you.

It is obvious that she is getting something out of these "relationships" that she is not getting out of your marriage and so long as she keeps doing this (and I bet she hasn't only done this just twice, and it's also highly likely she has slept with them even if she says she hasnt) then whatever it is that is missing from your marriage will not be solved.
If you did not solve that "hole" 2 years ago it is still there - and she will do it again (and probably has done).

You have to ask yourself not only if you can forgive her - intention is as bad as action - but if she has learnt anything from all this. If she will not stop and will not work on fixing whatever hole is in your marriage then you really should separate - thus freeing her up to do all that stuff she wants to, and freeing you up to find someone more loyal and trustworthy to spend your life with.

An outsider would look at your life and say, 9 years ago it was probably worth you forgiving her, but two years ago?? ...she has been using you.

Oooooh boy! While I don't think she's cheating...she IS telling you that you'd better get your act together and pay her some ATTENTION! If you are stuck brooding about something that happened TWO YEARS ago... your head is in the wrong place. What have you done for your relationship lately!?! She wants to hear that YOU find her attractive...that YOU think she's special...that YOU think she's worthy! Time to stop being jealous and start loving! Good luck to you both! Hugs, Gina C.

its not cheating in my book.
somtimes a woman just needs attention from guys other than her husband to feel sexy or attactive.
my husband knows i get compliments from other men and isnt bothered by it.
if you trust her then i dont see what the problem is.

I know what it is like to be between Christianity and the "World". But in your wife's case, I think its a bit difficult, since she is not drawing the line between being friends, and flirting, even knowing she is married.

It seems like there are deeper problems in your marriage and I would recommend you to go to your Pastor or a marriage counsellor, who would definitely help determine what these problems are.

I wish you both all the luck!!!

To me, yes it is. Its emotional cheating. She is gaining many of the same emotions and feelings she would if she were to physically cheat.

I agree that you need to talk to her.

shes cheating thats all there is to it so you two need to talk and find out what the problem is and if you can fix it or not

I'm not sure if it's cheating, per se, but since it's bothering you then it needs to be addressed. I recommend you find yourselves a marriage counselor, and make sure it's one with whom you both feel comfortable, because you're going to need to be able to say and hear truths that may not be easy.

Good luck to you both.

Flirting is normal and every women or even person likes to know that people do find them to be attractive but when you are married there has to be certain limits and boundaries how far it should go. I think that this behavior is completely disrespectful to you and your marriage. She is most likely feeling insecure about herself and therefore trying to be reassured as a desirable woman. It is selfish but she may not see or understand how it is hurting you. I think she is a step right before cheating and maybe that is a thrill for her that she is enjoying a little too much.

My opinion is that if your partner does anything that defaces you and helps create a situation where you can not stand tall and feel good about your relationship with them in the department of flirting or I am interested in them department it is wrong. I think she has wronged not only your man hood but also the church. Yes it is a form of cheating....she is living out part of a fantasy with real people in real ways. Some people look at porn, she flirts with real men that you know.

yes it is cheating

even if she isn't cheating now, be prepared for the worst. this isn't good for you and your kids at all, but i get what she may be doing. if she's telling the truth, then she might only be doing this to just get some attention, its natural for almost everyone to like being called good looking, nice etc. but that should be your job.

its still not good moraly and you should talk to her because as far as you should feel, is hurt, not jealous, that she'd be thinking of other men.

Watch out, man. If she's thinking about it, it won't be too long before she's thinking about how to get away w/it; and maybe going through w/it. I dont know all the details, but, it's sounds like she's missing something from your relationship. Try to find out what it is and reel her back in before it's too late. Good luck, dude. I wish your family the best.

sound to me like you have a wife that's on the FREAKIN' threshold of cheating on you. she's giving you every sign under the sun she wants attention from you. my advice is drop the kids off at mom and dad's, and get away to a florida resort, or a las vegas weekend, just the two of you. spark up again whatever it was you did in the beginning, and fast.

she may not be physically cheating on you but however she is leading these blokes on and enjoying it, well some may say this is just harmless fun or a way of feeling good about ones self ....i dont agree.
The point is that your wife is finding other people than yourself to excite her sexually and that's just not on...........if the boot was on the other foot then am sure there would be an issue.
my ex started becoming over friendly with guys from work and within a few months was sleeping with one..........so i dont think this behaviour constitutes as harmless fun.considering like 60% of affairs start in the workplace

YOu two need marriage counseling. Please consider it.

I think she is insecure, and seeks attention from other men to find it. So what is missing in your marriage that has her seeking attention from other men, and not from you? I'm not placing blame, but somehow, she feels insecure and is looking for that outside the marriage. It could be a midlife crisis, it could be just the idea that she is aging, etc. She obviously needs something and doesn't even realize it. Counseling will help uncover her needs and how you can fulfill them.

To me it sounds as though she still needs to feel that she is attractive to other men. She may be lacking self esteem, What she is doing is wrong, but not necessarily cheating. Try telling her more often how attracted you are to her and how much you value her and your relationship. If this does not help, perhaps you should seek counseling. Best of luck to you both.

Its not cheating, but I'd be pretty annoyed if my husband was saying that to another woman apart from me. Tell her how you feel, and how her inappropriate behaviour is hurting you. Make sure you're serious about it, otherwise she'll just carry on the way she has been.

I wouldnt say it is cheating but I would say she is very insecure. Do you compliment her, praise her, pay attention to her? Sounds like she is looking for that attention only. Try to be romantic and attentive.

I don't think your wife wants to cheat on you but I think maybe she is not felling attractive anymore and craves that felling. And maybe when she tells you these things she is trying to fined out if you still find her attractive . I think if you don't over react to this but act a little jealous or maybe say I can see why this guy fells this way because you are a very desirable woman. And always comment on how good she looks . I just know that's why I tell my husband when men look or flirt with me because he doesn't tell me I look good when I get all dressed up. But that's just my feelings

I don't consider it cheating unless sex is involved