How to avoid having your *** beaten by an expectant mother
1) Do NOT touch her stomach without permission.
You are not her husband or her OB/GYN. No matter what you think, you aren鈥檛 touching the baby within. You, you pervert, are touching her. An old lady in 7-11 lost the feeling in the fingers when she had the nerve to reach out and touch someone.
2) Do NOT share horror stories of pregnancy and childbirth.
She knows what might go wrong; she has a doctor who can explain these things to her. She does not need to know that everyone you know had a horrible time during pregnancy, labor, and childbirth. So do not, at any time graphically reenact the stitching of an episiotomy at her baby shower while saying things like 鈥淚 tore so bad the doctor was down there for hours!鈥?Also, refrain from talking about the three-headed baby you saw on the Discovery Channel. She has access to TV and the internet, she can find that crap if she so desires.
3) Do NOT ask her when she鈥檚 going to have another baby.
This is grounds for immediate execution. My nurse asked me this as she was pushing my wheelchair to the recovery room, after 12 hours of labor and two hours of pushing. I jabbed my IV needle into her eye and laughed hysterically. Oddly, I was never prosecuted.
4) Do NOT tell her, when you see her eating, that she must be eating for two.
Pregnant women need to eat just like everyone else. Just because she鈥檚 having a burger does not mean that she鈥檚 been stuffing her face all day and is making a pig of herself. The resident moron in my office told me this constantly. His body has not yet been found.
5) Do NOT tell her tales of whoa experienced by those who have babies.
If she鈥檚 a smart woman, she鈥檚 read a book or two. She knows babies cry. She knows babies get up every few hours. She does not need to hear how your demon child vomited split pea soup every 45 minutes and didn鈥檛 sleep more than 2 hours at a time until they were 10. Everyone鈥檚 different, that鈥檚 why pants come in all sizes and lengths.
6) Do NOT ask her if she plans to breastfeed.
It鈥檚 none of your business and she doesn鈥檛 need your opinion on why she should or should not to this. Her body, her baby, her choice. Providing her with 25 pages of statistical information is only going to make her want to run you down while you aren鈥檛 looking. Also, refrain from describing, in minute detail, how cracked and sore breastfeeding made your breasts and how impossible it was for you and everyone you know to do it. Again, everyone is different. See #5 for further explanation.
7) Do NOT mutter the word 鈥渉ormones鈥?after she has said/done something.
Sure, her hormones are probably a little wacky, but this is not your excuse to announce it to everyone. Quiet possibly you did one of the other no-nos on this list and pissed her off. Therefore, she did or said something that seemed rude. Maybe she just doesn鈥檛 like you. Maybe you are a jerk and she meant to tell you off. Maybe you are the old lady in #1 who just didn鈥檛 get it after three warnings so you got screamed at by a tiny but very pregnant woman.
8) Do NOT try to guess the due date or how many months pregnant she is.
If you guess too far ahead, she鈥檒l assume that she looks horrible and fat. That is not emotional stress that she needs. Also, do not compare her to how you or anyone else looked during the same stage of pregnancy. She does not need to know that your best friend鈥檚 girlfriend鈥檚 dog sitter weighed 15 lbs less and didn鈥檛 wear maternity clothes until she was 8 months pregnant. She鈥檒l be permitted to beat you senseless with the closest blunt object if you refuse to show a little tact.
9) Do NOT make fun of her weight.
Comments like: 鈥淗i fatty!鈥?or 鈥淟ook how big you鈥檝e gotten!鈥?or 鈥淵ou look like you could go any day now!鈥?should never be uttered in her presence or anyone鈥檚 presence for that matter. She鈥檚 aware she鈥檚 gaining weight. She鈥檚 the pregnant one wearing the pants with the expandable waist. She gets weighed on a monthly basis. Besides, pregnant doesn鈥檛 make you fat, it expands your middle to make room for a baby. She鈥檚 probably unhappy about her expanding waistline and doesn鈥檛 need you pointing it out, making her the butt of a joke. If this happens, be prepared for a retaliatory jab, 鈥淚鈥檓 pregnant, what鈥檚 your excuse?鈥?while you are surrounded by a group of other people who can laugh at your expense, fatso.
10) Do NOT describe how horrible a woman looks after giving birth.
Any good book or doctor will be able to inform her of the possibility of a saggy belly and breasts, varicose veins, etc. She does not need to hear about how your feet grew three sizes and your breasts shrank three sizes and now hang to your knees. Your new bodily functions or the loss of them should be kept to yourself. If you do choose to share these things, the pregnant woman will be permitted to use them in social situations in the future. That is so true. Every single one of those happened to me. Thanks for the laugh. LOL that was great thanks for sharing. Funny, but very good advice. Reminds me to be more careful around my pregnant friends. Here's one that should be added to that list.
Do not tell her she looks like she is having twins.
She already feels big enough and you drawing attention to how much bigger you think she is compared to how big you think she should be really is not helping at all and may help get you a fat lip. Thank you for the laugh!!! I needed that! :) Very funny! Good advice! Been there, done that, yikes... wish I had thought of beating a few people when I was pregnant. (LOL~joking)! This is hilarious! But it is definatly good advice, at one point or another someone had said or done all of these things to me when I was pregnant, and my boyfriend used to wonder why I had such bad mood swings!! excellent!! VERY CUTE!!!! |
