Why dont ya'll understand my mother is obsessed with the neighbors not me................?

My mother is driving me crazy. She is the reason why I have low self esteem. She never said anything positiv about me mostly neg. now that I am old enough(20) to get away from her. Meaning I spend the nigth mostly with my bf she gets upset saying it is disrespectful and how I am embarassing them and how i am the only one in my negihborhood staying out all night or coming in early morning. I dont care what the neighbors think i dont know why she care she dont talk to them. But she is obssessed with them. She always looking out the window like neighborhood watch. she got me hating them people. She always talk about them but never talk to them then tell me how I am giving them something to talk about when in reality I am trying to get the F*** away from her. Trust me she is driving me insane.
Why I wont move out??? Because rent is high in NYC and retail jobs dont pay well and I have not much work experience to get an office job. But do you think what the neighors think is important???

She cares what they think not me ok!!!!!!! I would obey her rules if she didnt get on my nerve so much making me want to do anything to get away from this family especially her. My "brother" left and didnt tell her where he moved so dont think i am the only one feeling this way.

I can totally identify with you..my mom was always worried about the neighbors (who she barely knew)..she also rarely says anything good to me or about me..I feel she hates me and I am least liked of her 6 kids but she claims she loves me but I don;'t feel that it is that true..she does help me at times but then yells at me so much, it practically negates her help. Even though the stories aren't quite the same..I immediately identified with elements of it. I, too, feel who cares about the neighbors.


I think this stems from her upbringing in Italy in an aristocratic home...father dead at age 5, mom severely depressed and thus neglected her and a mean grandma raised her (she says the grandma was nice to her) but the women locked my mom's 5 year old half brother in the basement all the time and wouldn't let him go on outings because she hated his dad because he was a "peasant" and she felt her daughter remarried beneath her station.

My mom's dad was a baron and they were royalty. I am assuming she was trained to be that way and to always worry about appearances and how things look to outsiders and hence her obsession with the nieghbors, but, at the same time, I really think it is not really the neighbors but she herself who is ashamed or worried about how something is..she projects her feeligs onto them. Perhaps your mom is doing something similar..my mom has this pride things I do not understand.

But it is in your best interest to forgive her as this hurts you further having negative feelings abotu her and hating her essentially..believe me I know..my mom is dying and I hate that I can't fix whatever is wrong or discuss it as she feels I have no right to my feelings apparently "you have no right to feel that way (followed by some version of "I was an excellent parent)"

The best way to help you forgive her is seeking out books and thinking about her childhoods and how it affected her and perhaps even tramatized her.

Your mom was born in a different era perhaps when sex was not as freely done in the open as now and most parent think how their kids turn out is a reflection on them..since she may feel premarital sex is wrong she worries what people will think, not only of you, but of her. She may also be worried about your reputation as she was reared in a different time period and reflects that as we all do...some more and some less.

It is not good for a relationship if part of it is to get away from a situation..this pushes people subconsciouly into marriage or relationships for reasons tghat are not right..yiou are often not aware of doing this..using the relationship to avoid problems.

Try discussing the situation with her when she is calm perhaps compromising by staying home some nights and maybe not coming home till the morning so it will look like you were just out shopping or something. Carry a bag. How will they know then if you were out and maybe she will back off some.

This may not be what you want to hear but as a 57 year old woman, I can tell your the time between the ages of 14 and 21 are not easy for the mother or their child. It is not easy on her either to have you fighting all the time. I guarantee when you become a parent your prespective will change somewaht as you realize all the things your mother did for you that you forgot or weren't aware of..when they are teenagers you will see your mom's point of view more clearly.

Once you are on your own do not do what your brother does as that hurts your mom but set limits and boundaries and limit contact. Sometimes this is necessary..after many years of some of my siblings hurting me, I have finally learned to limit contact and not give them so much power to hurt me. Maybe when she grows to miss you, she will try harder to get along.

maybe you could move in with your boyfriend

ok first off take a HUGE deep breath..... you need to think rationally before coming to a decision about everything... it may help if you just talk calmly to your mother about this... then again it might not... some mums think they know best regardless of wheather they do or not... have you considered moving out of NYC? if thats not an option then maybe you are stuck... dont take what your mother says to heart... just dismiss what she says, or rather "yells" at you when you get home... ok its not easy and alot will stick in your head... but only if you let it... now that you are 20, you could apply to take a few courses that will improve your qualifications... this will give you an oppertunity to earn more money fo an appartment and even set you up for further career oppertunities in the future... remember that your mother will not be there forever so you should cherish what time you have (as hard as that can sometimes be)... and no, what the neighbors think is not important... in life if you worry about what people think of you, you will just be miserable... what they think will not hinder your progress in life, so technically, what they think is irrelivant... good luck with your mum

Ooohhh, you need to talk to your mom and tell her how her behaviour is making you feel. Tough conversation to have, but in order to fix this relationship, you need to talk to her and be honest. You are right in the fact that it is 2007, not the 1950's. Your mom should have more respect for you.
Other than that, just start saving $$$....and apply for jobs, you never know what might come your way! You have some work experience, and that is better than none at all. A strong desire to better yourself and your position is a great quality to bring to a new job, so stay strong! Good Luck!

OK--I can tell you are wound up. I hope to make this brief.This is your Mothers home and she lives there and wants the neighbors to think well of her.
She loves you and she is hurt that you are making a bad reputation for yourself and disgracing her and where she must live since it is her home.
You are a reflection of your Mother. It is quite easy to take the good, kind and loving things from your Mother and never spread the news of that or count your blessings but now you can tear her down with your unkind words. You will be sorry some day, you can count on that.
NO, I DON"T THINK WHAT THE NEIGHBORS Think IS REAL IMPORTANT BUT I DO BELIEVE WHAT YOUR MOTHER WANTS & THINKS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE THAT IS HER HOME. IF YOU DON"T LIKE IT MOVE OUT AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH ABOUT YOUR MOTHER.

I must admit your mother doesn't sound like a very pleasant woman. She clearly has a lot of issues of her own to resolve. As you are pretty much stuck with her until you can afford to move out, have you thought about talking to her about what exactly it is that makes her feel the way she does? Try not to let the conversation get heated, if it does back off, it's impossible to reason with people when you are upset.

It sounds like she has so little going on in her own life that she gets her amusment by watching the neighbours and trying to manipulate your life. It's quite sad really.