My 21 YR. OLD IS SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN WHO IS NOTED IN MY SPACE AS A SWINGER.?

I have told her that under our roof this bvehavior is not acceptable and must stop. She says she is 21 and its none of my business. The worst she is a psy. major and she met this slime while intering at a childs behavioral clinic where he works and portrayed himself in the begining as not attached. Now he says he is in an open marriage. Sat. she was home and claimed to be going with her friends. When I called her phone she didn't ans. Moms intution told me she was with this slime so I retreived my cell records got his # called and told her to come home! Of course she is furious and needless to say didn't come right home because this slime told her that he could have me arrested for stalking if i show up at his house or harrasment if i call again True or not anyone know. Anyway My husband (who still doesn't know) and I pay all her bills and now we will be paying for grad school next year. I am furious with her and do not want to push her closer to this weirdo. Please can anyone help me!

You're in a nasty spot, pemouna. GOD, and can see this kind of BS coming with my own daughter someday...and she's only 12! It scares the hell out of me.

My first knee-jerk response would be to tell your 21-year-old grad-school daughter to grow on up if she insists on playing with adult. Wanna be an adult? Well welcome to the adult world of paying for your own tuition, rent, food, utilities, insurance, car payments, etc., etc., etc. She wants to be an adult, but insists on playing little-girl high-school games. Lying to your Mom about your whereabouts? Using your Mom's cell phone to call a boyfriend you know she hates? Sorry, princess, but that's just not going to fly. (I'm a big talker now...lets see where I'm at in 10 years...)

One thing I'd like to say: my husband and I are swingers, which is not the same thing as having an open marriage. "Swingers" engage in non-monogamous sex with other like-minded people, usually in the presence of one another, and ALWAYS with one another's full consent and encouragement. Now I know that doesn't make you feel all warm and cosy, because it absolutely disgusts most people. But I just wanted to mention it because if I'm right, this guy, who describes himself as a swinger yet has an open marriage, really is a sleazebag. Telling someone to disrespect a well-meaning parent is just not cool. Has your daughter ever met his wife? Does his wife have full knowledge of his whereabouts and goings-on? If you answer no to any of these, the guy is an out and out CHEATER, and an opportunist pig. Swingers abhor cheaters. If you don't believe me, visit http://www.swingersboard.com and do a search for threads using keywords like "cheater" or "cheating". They give us a very bad name and the reception they get is...shall we say...a tad frosty.

Anyway. Off my soapbox.

I think your best bet would be to find a compromise between the "tough love" approach and "Mom love" approach. Give her the space she needs and deserves as a near-adult, the room to make decisions about her own life, but outline your boundaries VERY firmly, and let her know that the help you are giving her now is because you love her...not because you owe it to her. You don't owe her anything. She is insisting on making it clear that "she doesn't need you". If she wants to continue with that attitude, she can expect you to cut the purse strings. Otherwise, you're not doing Princess any favours by enabling her to use you however she sees fit. You can't do that to people out there in the real world. No one out there owes her anything either, and Mr. Man will move on when he finds another pretty piece of a**. No one stays young and gorgeous forever, and while it may help her to pay for grad school for now, she'll pay the price down the road. Time and Gravity takes their toll, and there's never a shortage of pretty women. She's not the love of his life. She's just convenient...for now. Tell her you love her enough to teach her this lesson, to prepare her for a life that's a lot harsher and colder than the one she's known up until now. She's worth so much more than the golddigger she's about to make herself into.

I don't know. She's still very young. She's bound to make some serious mistakes in this decade. I remember how stupid I was when I was 20, 21. OMG. Scary. But the upside is that I'm now 31, and I'm smart enough now to look back on my idiocy and think to myself "What was I THINKING??" lol

Just love her, and be there when she needs your ear and your shoulder. But just make sure you let her know she's got her own two feet, and she needs to learn how to use them. Sincerely wishing you the best of luck.

your daughter is an idiot...stop paying her bills and butt out.

She is 21.

Cut off the money Mom. If she wants to wreck her life dont finiance it and by god tell her father. She is 21 and an adult but if she wants you to pay she has to behave that is the way it works tough Love

First of all---she should pay for her own grad school. I am 22 years old and in grad school and I say she should be finacially responsible for herself. I think it's time to cut her off and let her make her own mistakes,

I doubt anyone can help you. You are very well trained by your daughter, and she will continue to dominate you. Change the door locks and forget her!

Tell her your house, your rules. If she doesn't like that, she can move out and pay her own bills. That's what my parents said and when I turned 18, I was out. I look back and realize that they were a lot smarter than me at the time and I shoulda listened and stayed at home and saved my money.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! wow. i dont think the guy is a weirdo. i think if his wife accepts it then, let it alone. its not like she is going to try and marry this man

Tell your husband first off. Kick her out of the house and cut her off financially if she doesn't stay away from this loser. If she makes the decision to stay with this guy do not help her out in any way from here on out. Sooner or later she will come to her senses but she may have to learn the hard way.

You are going to have to use finances against her. You tell her as long as you are paying her way she will not be acting like a tramp! Tramps don't get their way payed for. I know it sounds harsh, but it is the only leverage you have to get her to stop this. The down side to this is she may not take to well with this. I hope she doesn't tell you to get lost and end up quiting school or something stupid like that. Bottom line is I wouldn't pay for her stuff if I were you if she is going to make poor descisons with her life. Best wishes to you both.

tell her that yes she is 21 but she still lives under your roof then she has to go by your rules and if she don't listen then kick her out even though it is going to hurt you but if she don't care how you feel then you do the same...let's see how she feels....give her a taste of her own medicine

Start charging her rent and stop paying her bills immediately since she declares that her life is none of your business. Her bills aren't any of your business then either. She needs to respect you and realize what she is doing is dangerous and wrong. Don't forget to tell her how much you love her.

Tell her that if she doesn't have to follow your rules, neither do you have to pay her cell phone or internet.
If you push her too hard about not seeing this guy she might choose him over you and leave so you may be better off letting her learn the hard way.
Maybe try and find a way to have a nice conversation with her about what she has learned about people from her psychology classes.

All you can do is advise her. At the end of the day she is an adult not a little child, therefore you should let her make her own mistakes, and be there for her to pick the pieces up.

If you remember back to this age yourself or younger - im sure you hated your parents inteference into your life, i certainly did. Looking back now - i can see they were only trying to help.

i hope what i have said is ok and has not upset you in any way. Please take care, and just be on stand by for her.

Talk to her about it and remember it is her life.

First, do you know any of her friends that would be willing to talk with her and explain to her that this is only going to end in heartache or WORSE.... she is too mad to listen to you so, don't even try it. I would suggest an outside source and give her some space. In time, if she continues to disrespect you, you have no choice but to start cutting the finances. YES, a very tough call to make but, in the end she will come to her senses!! A head strong 21 year old is one of the toughest cases (besides a headstrong teen female!!!) I trust this phase will pass but, not without some harsh words and sleepless nights! Oh the joy of being a parent!! I wish you the best and remember to remind her that you love her, drop her an inspirational card, text her, tell her... whatever works, just keep reminding her that this is all in her best interest!!!

I raised six daughters (3 bio & 3 adopted). The bigger a fuss you raise and the more you say the more she will "show you" by playing hide the pickle with him just because she is so smart and you are so dumb. Heed my advice little cricket. Smile and say nothing; procede with your life and ignore hers (this will drive her nuts); think carefully about paying "all the bills" and "grad school" (doing this cost me over a 100K for no apparent result) as sometimes things they have to pay for themselves they will appreciate a little more. Rest assured though that you and she will be thicker than thieves when she passes the age of 25.

Some people are really book smart - can earn college degrees, ect - but have no common sense. You cant learn that out of any book. And unfortunately, your daughter is right about being 21 y.o. and legally you cant do anything - except just cut her off financially and kick her out. I'm sure it would be hard for you but it sounds to me like she is a spoiled brat who just needs a wake up call. It may be the best thing for her, then she will realize the extent to which you have helped her.

Pack her stuff and put it on the door step... You've pampered her far to long as it is... She's 21... good, let her go out and make her own way in the world... Tell the swinger guy to go ahead and file whatever charges he wants... You are willing to let a judge decide what "stalking" really is...

You answered your own questions at the beginning of your post: "under our roof this behavior is not acceptable" - you need to tell her to move out. Grad school or not...job or not...she's 21 she CAN maker her own decisions...but she needs to be living as a responsible adult, not living at home like a teenager with an attitude.

Put your foot down and insist she find quarters elsewhere. It will be tough...you'll worry...but you can't live her life for her and you can't keep her from making major mistakes. All you can do is set boundries. If she chooses to cross them, then the consequences must be allowed to happen or she'll never learn.

Good luck

You can't control someone else's behavior so you might as well stop trying. You can express disappointment and focus on letting her know how you feel. But, she's an adult and,as much as you want to save her from being hurt, some things have to be learned by doing. You can't protect her from life.

Paying for school is a separate and discrete issue. You've made a decision to do this and whom she's sleeping with isn't relevant. Continue to fund school if you think it's a worthwhile endeavor.

She'll tire of this guy or, more likely, he'll tire of her. Until then, beyond expressing your disappointment - how her behavior makes you feel - there's little else you can or should do.

As for the stalking charges - no, calling him to look for her is not stalking.

It's understandable how you feel. But she is 21 years old and she can do whatever she wants.This is her decision,whether a good one or a bad one.You need to cut the strings and realize she is going to live her life the way she sees fit.You are to over protective.I understand if you are paying her college tuition,but why are you paying her other bills? She's not a child anymore. As long as she's still doing well in college,don't worry about the other stuff,it's her life.You will never be able to make her change her mind.She will have to do that on her own,don't push.If you are completely adamant about her not seeing this guy,then make her move out on her own.But you will never be able to tell her who she can and can not date.

Tell her if she continues to be with a married man you will no longer be paying her bills and cancelling her phone.

she may be 21....but you pay the bills and she still calls your house home.....well it is your business until the day she is on her on and pays her own way in this world. Too bad you don't have the wife's number. You could call there looking for your daughter. but your daughter is being really stupid......chances are his wife has no idea he is cheating on her, but your daughter for some reason needs to retake some classes b4 grad school.....and I would not pay for grad school unless she left this guy....or grad school was far away. But your daughter will be in some deep crap when his wife finds out ..... she could sue your daughter for alienation of affection....she can be held personally liable.....you may want to check with the local police and tell them what this man has threatened you with....when you were just trying to call your daughter.....stalking is more that calling and asking to speak with your daughter. But the police or some one in legal aid may be able to help you......Good luck....I hope your daughter gets out b4 you have to pay her settlement when the wife finds out about the affair.

Time to stop ***** footing around the problem and do the "tough love" thing mom.
She is 21, so you can't live her life for her.
We, as parents sometimes don't realize we want to life what we missed through our children. OR we expect them to be just as we were. We can't do that. We were given these children through the the love of God. We don't own them, they are only lent to us for a number of years.
You will push her closer to this man if you keep interfereing.

It's now or I should say, it was time much sooner to have her grow up and get out in this world and see what it is really like to pay your own bills. Then she would be more thankful for your money and her education.
It's a bad time to start making her pay her way, because she will think your doing it only because of this man, but in a way you would be, because of him.

Your going to have to make a choice in your own heart on what to do. You can't stop her from seeing this man, just because you gave birth to her and because you are paying her education and allowing her to live at home.

Good Luck

This is a good time to let your husband know what's happening. You are very right, while she's under the roof that you and your husband has provided all her life, it is for you to dictate what will and will not be allowed.

Maybe it's time for her to think of where she is going to say and who is going to pay her bills. If she's old enough to make decisions and do what she wants then maybe she should go look for another place to live. I know you don't want to push her closer to him but it might be just what she needs. Once she has figured out that you aren't going to pay for her keep any more and that creep isn't' going to pay, she'll come back home with an apology and you'll be done with this married man thing. I've been through one of those "open marriage" things once before and once he saw that someone better was with her he got mad so the "open marriage" thing is just a line to get what they want when they want it. I will never ever do the married women thing again.

First step is talk to your husband but break it to him slowly so he doesn't go off and kill someone who deserves it.

Now, you can take the word of these kids on this board or listen to someone who has been 4 years to college, been married and I'm 50 years old. That has to say a little about my experiences.

You are going about this in exactly the way most likely to send her into his arms, and if you continue this way you will absolutely damage your relationship with your daughter.

Okay, first reality, then advice.

Reality:
(1) Your daughter is an adult. True, she is a young adult, and maybe has some adolescent behaviors, such as living at home and lying about what she is doing with her spare time. But she is an adult, not a teenaged minor, and in reality, if she chooses to sleep with even bigger losers than this guy, that's her call, not yours. Accept that she is an adult, and you can begin to have some influence with her as a parent can with an adult child; pretend to yourself that she is still a child, and you will only drive her to bigger acts of postadolescent rebellion to prove to you that she has autonomy.

(2) Like it or not, just because she still lives with you and you pay her bills does not give you control of her sex life. Sorry, but it doesn't. You can pay for her or not as you and your husband choose. If you want to pay nothing, you can exercise that option, because, again, she is an adult, not a child. However, that choice does not give you the right to demand to know where she is spending her time, the right to expect her to always answer her cell phone anytime you want to interrogate her about her activities, or the right to dictate who she can and cannot date.

(3) Your young adult daughter is developmentally a little behind, and acting like a 17 year old. This is largely her own issue, not yours. But you are worsening the problem by still treating her as a minor, thus psychologically reinforcing the idea that it is appropriate for 21yr olds to act like high school seniors. If you stop reinforcing her inappropriate behavior, she'll start being able to feel more internal pressure to grow up.

(4) In the real world, when parents demand their young adult offspring choose between the parents and their adult autonomy, the parents generally aren't the ones chosen. Ask your friends with kids and see if they don't back up what I'm saying.

Now the advice:

(1) Your opposition to her autonomy is what makes this guy so appealing. Be a little more crafty, and you can get what you want. If you make this one loser her "stand" she has to make for her freedom, her brain will inflate his importance--if you're more apathetic, just saying that you think he's not good enough for her, she could certainly do better, but it's her life, she should do what she wants, then she is more likely to actually assess him in terms of what he can or can't offer her, instead of what she has to do to prove to you that she's a grownup with a life of her own. See what I'm saying? Your hostility to him makes him much more exciting, forbidden, and sexy!

(2) If you can't live comfortably with her sexual life now that she's an adult, maybe it's time to think seriously about her living on her own. That's a real conversation you need to have.

(3) He is off-base, most likely, about the stalking bit. But harrassing your own daughter by calling his house is gratuitous and demeaning to your daughter. She deserves better, I am sure, than some man who does not accurately represent his availability for a relationship; but she also deserves better from you than your calling her at the house of a guy she's meeting for sex. You daughter may, not inappropriately, feel violated by you presuming that you have the right to interrupt her sexual encounters to lecture her about her choice of man. If she doesn't return your cell phone call, then whatever you have to say to her should wait until you're alone. If you call her at some guy's house, you are involving the man in your and your daughter's relationship. That's not a strategy for success.

(4) Don't be afraid to speak with a MFT (marriage and family therapy) counselor along with your husband and daughter about challenges you all are having adapting to her life as a grownup woman.

Good luck. You clearly have her interests at heart, but it's time to change approach.

hello, this is really a scary situation. u need to act in a cautious manner. first of all u MUST let ur husband know whats happening to ur daughter. together u must decide what to do. i dont think u should let ur daughter decide abt her life in this matter, especially when the man is quite notorious. try to convince her that he is a crook.it may sound funny, but u can try and gather some evidence, believe me, thats how my brother saved me from a man who claimed to be my friend. my brother told me that he is a fraud but i didnt believe him and continued ringing him up secretly. he told me that he was working in a software firm. then my brother asked some friends to find out more abt him and found out that the guy was a real fake, he wasnt working in that firm at all. he told me the entire truth and i was shocked. the man sounded so convincing that i refused to believe even my own brother.my family was very firm with me in this matter. they strictly monitored my calls and all. now i am thankful to them for that. can u do something like that?there is nothing wrong in being firm with her.express ur concern and fear for her life .u can firmly tell her to stop associating with that man. tell her that if she is old enough to decide for herself then she is old enough to pay off her bills and the fees for her grad school. i dont know if she will listen to ur words. but u dont want ur girl to learn turth the hard way, right? u can always seek professional help in this matter. i am sure she will realize her mistake and come back to u. may god bless u and ur daughter
ps. once she comes back, never make any dig at her abt her action. just tell her how happy u r to have her back. assure her that it is human to err and be grateful to go for bringing her back

Cut her off since its "none of your business".

Sounds like she is with my exhusband.

Did you ever think your daughter is sexing up a swinger BECAUSE you're an overly-obsessive parent who gets way too involved in her life even though she's an adult now?