Is it bad to go and check up on your partners e-mail, my space or personal things?

I'm one of those persons who thinks you should respect your partner & there property but what happens when you get married is all boundries lost.

I remember passwords so easy but I never used them to check up on things until... Things started going down hill in the trust department. He would accuse me of cheating by checking phone statement calling every number that was not familier, checking e-mails & other accounts and my drawers my pursue. It was so extreme I had to put a stop to it by getting even and doing the same to him he sweard he had nothing to hide.

It was true for a while then I found out he was talking to other girls thru e-mail. I confronted him said he has never meet them and was not planning to. Then he got upset and wanted to leave me I said go ahead i'm not going to be played like a fool. (Never left) but now a year later just out of curiosity I checked his account and he was chating w/someone(not sure if girl or guy) Should I be alarmed or let it go?

He seems like a liar and obviosly like someone who's hiding something. Confront him about it. And you are right you shouldnt let him play you like a fool.

continue monitoring it. you don't have enough evidence/ suspicion to go forward 'yet'.

You both do not trust each other, but at least you attempt to be respectful about it. He has cheated on you or at least has intended to. I suggest you find someone more mature.

Obviously there is some trust issues with you two. Why not try putting the stupid computer away and enjoy each other. If you are married, why are the both of you in myspace? don't you talk to your friends face to face. Maybe he accused you of cheating because he was!!

Continue until you have enough evidence.

You both have a lot of growing up to do. Why would you think that once you are married you can go through each other personal things. That is why it is presonal. TRUST TRUST TRUST without it there is nothing no love respect nothing. Work on the two of you and not worry about what is going on else where. Make him want to be with you. Take time for h im and for the both of you

Not ok to snoop, but if you have reason to, for your own protection, why not? No one likes to be played as a fool, and I don't think anyone wouldn't check emails and other accounts if they had their lying spouse's passwords, no matter what they said. Of course he's going to deny everything. He did it once before.

I would continue to just check up him to be on the safe side. If he has a history of being dishonest then keep checking his stuff. However I also suggest getting some marriage counseling because of your trust issues.

the trust is gone and is almost impossible to rebuild

So, you are checking up on him....and he is checking up on you, neither of you trusts the other.....

Remind me again, why the two of you are still together?

you know, it's amazing on how many married partners never bother to have this one discussion. what is considered cheating to each other? you'd be surprised how many married couples have a different view.
with a lot of men, looking at porn, flirting with female co-workers, calling females at all hours of the night, texting females at all hours of the night and asking them if they can touch another woman's boobs are not cheating. not telling the wife about inappropriate behavior, letters or phone calls is not cheating to them. hiding e-mails from single females is not cheating to them. not looking at an online message sbecause your wife is watching your computer screen behind you is not cheating to alot of men.
as a woman, anything you cannot do while your spouse is standing right next to you can be considered cheating. anything that you feel the need to hide because you feel it would upset your spouse is cheating and very disrespectful.

There is nothing wrong with checking your partners e-mail, my space, or personal things. First and foremost there should be trust and if there is not any trust that is another story in itself, second if there is nothing to hide then either partner should not care if the other partner is looking.

Why would he go so drastic as to wanting to leave you for just looking. There is more there and I would continue checking. Like you said yourself, "I'm not going to be played like a fool."

Install a web watcher or key logger and find out exactly who he is talking to and what he is saying. As his wife you have every right to know what he is saying to other women.

If he is speaking inappropriately to them, it is called 'On line infidelity. It can also lead to cyber sex, which is 'On line adultery'. People are coming right into other people's homes via the Internet right under the spouses nose most times and committing these sins. It can also lead to physical adultery.

You can go on line to 'On line infidelity' there is a wealth of info on the subject. Even reasons why people engage in this kind of cheating.

Also go on line to 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' some interesting reading there too.

Be careful of women in foreign countries who also extract money from cheating spouses. They go with the guise they are so poor and get sympathy money, also they take money to do bad things over the Internet.

This kind of cheating is going on all over the world at this very moment, ruining marriage after marriage.

Don't sit there with your eyes shut, cheaters usually don't tell on themselves. Become the detective and find out every thing. Even his where abouts on a daily basis, bank accounts, phone records, emails, IM's, chat rooms, my space.....leave no stone unturned.

Internet affairs as well as physical affairs are grounds for divorce.

Frankly, I'm surprised you're still with him, and haven't left long ago. When trust is broken in a close relationship, it is very difficult to recover. You ask if your checking up on his email, my space and personal things is "bad".

In an ideal world, yes, of course it is, because it shows you don't trust him. But then, why would you? Given your experience of his lack of trust in you - making accusations that you were cheating (I assume you weren't?) and checking phone statements, calling numbers he didn't recognise to find out who you'd been talking to - it's not surprising that you in turn started to be suspicious of him. Suspicion breeds suspicion, and it must have hurt that he thought you might be cheating (again, assuming it was a charge without foundation).

It's fairly common for someone cheating to accuse their partner of the very thing they're doing themselves. It's an attempt to deflect your attention from his behaviour and get you to focus on justifying and defending your own. He threatens to leave, but it's an empty threat - he's still with you.

This man is a manipulator, a liar and a cheat, and you'd be much better off without him. Do you really want to spend more of your life with a man you can't trust?

wimsey

what type of relationship is that. there's no trust?
but if he wants to start talking to other girls, you should just let him. maybe you have him on a tight leash.

Yes it is bad because it is a sign of mistrust. Be careful what you look for because you just might find it.

Unfortunately, I know all to well in this department. I was married for almost a year when my husband was told he would be deployed to Iraq. At the time, we were members of a group that I had not yet been added to the Yahoo list. So, I had his permission to use his account to keep up. One such time I found myself randomly curious who he had been emailing and vice-versa, only to find, to my great surprise and deep heartache, that he had been sending romantic emails to an ex-coworker and, as I later found out, ex-girlfriend who he still had feelings for. I confronted him and he made it out to be innocent, but told me that if I was uncomfortable with their friendship, he would end it. Of course I was, I did not trust her and my instincts have not been wrong in these things. (Early in our relationship, he cheated on me with the girl who I knew was trying to do just that.) He didn't stop their friendship, as he had promised. A few months later, while he was on leave before deployment, his phone rang. I was asleep in our bedroom at the time, he was in the living room and didn't hear his phone ring. I looked to see who was calling 9 in the morning and her name showed up on the caller I.D. I was furious, so I looked through his history to see who he had been calling and her name continuously showed up. When I confronted him about it, he lied and told me he didn't know why she would call. I called him out on it, knowing full well they were still sharing a secret romance. My marriage ended shortly therein.

This is my advice to you. If they will cheat on you once, especially if they get away with it, they will do it again. As much as this may hurt to hear, and I know it does, I've heard it, you need to end it now. It took me almost six years to free myself of my ex. I hope that you do not have to bear the same. It may seem hard, but it will get easier in time.

Another bit of advice, there is a thing in Psycology called a defense mechanism called Projection, where people will place their wrong doings on others to make themselves feel better, he was watching you so closely, because he knew that he himself was cheating.

Once you are married, everything should be shared.
If you are dating or shacking up, quit snooping.

There's no such ting as privacy on the Internet.

If you're checking and don't trust him...it's your heart telling you something is wrong. Keep watching. He'll slip up.

How can you live that way you should reconsider changing your ways, there is no privacy in that relationship.

i guess, but what you don't know wont hurt

seems like you should probably confront him about it... although, he does seem like he has a pattern of lying to you, so he could just as easily lie again. maybe you are just better off alone.... without him. chances are, if he's chatting with women on e-mails, there is probably something more going on or at least the potential to be something else. he shouldn't need to chat with other women... that's cheating, even if he didn't actually meet them or have sex with them. he's having a secret relationship with them behind your back. if he hasn't already, he will cheat

run girl, as fast as you can....

Let him go. The fact that you checked is a red flag that the trust is gone from both sides. The fact that he was doing what you originally suspected proves this. He tried to keep it a secret too.

I had this problem back in my dating days with an ex-boyfriend who was calling, emailing, writing other women "just for fun" and it doesn't go away. Talking leads to meeting which leads to cheating. Maybe not today, but down the line. And keeping it a secret just adds to his thrill. Find someone who inspires your confidence.

I would print them out and not let on that you were checking them. After a month if you can send the person he's chatting to a email saying that you want to meet them but let on that you are him. go meet them and then show them a picture of you and your hubby together. Better yet get a male friend to meet her and ask him not to shave and be all sweaty, with dirty clothes on and be real forward--I don't think she will be emailing him anymore. Lol

He is projecting his OWN guilt on to you. If he can find something that "proves" YOU are cheating, then he is justified in his mind for his actions. You, on the other hand, have been faithful and had no reason to even think along those lines!!!

Now - the only reason you should be "checking up" on him is to collect evidence for the lawyers. You already KNOW he is cheating. Come on. You know it in your heart-of-hearts.... and do you really want to be with a man who is accusatory of you in order to cover his own cheating actions?

Yes... be alarmed... it is time to cut the cord. Tell him, if these emails are so innocent, then he won't mind sharing them with you... that he won't mind giving you full access not only to his incoming emails, but his outgoing emails as well. Tell him YOU are willing to live your life like an open book... and he can do the same with your emails, phone calls, drawers.... but that it goes both ways and you get to do the same searches....

But do you really want to live in a relationship that consists of "checking" each other?

Do the words "jealous control freak" mean anything to you.

You have every right to expect your personal boundaries and privacy to be respected.

But it is not being respected, so what are you going to do?
I don't know if you need to be alarmed, but I would definitely let "IT" go, and the sooner the better!

M.S. (Graduate counseling student)

if you do it all the time it shows you dont have faith in him

DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO WE ALL HAVE TO NOSY FROM TIME TO TIME TO MAKE SURE WE ARE ALL DOING WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSE TO BE DOING

I know from experience that if you have any suspicions that you need to check them out. I waited way too long to act on my feelings..... Good luck! I hope that everything works out for you!