Tell me what you think about what i wrote so far for my book?

Nikki! Wake up and get ready for your first day of school. Ok mom. Oh! Man that sunlight is bright anyway it my first day of school as a tenth grader yea it going good today seeing all of my friends and Josh Brook. Well I must get ready now. Nikki! Are you in the bathroom getting ready now? Yes! Mom I just finishing taking a shower now I鈥檓 brushing my teeth. Ok then. Ahhh that was a nice shower and my teeth looking white hmmm what I'm I going to wear. Should I wear my short blue jean skirt with my t-shirt that say rock, sliver earring and bracelet also my sandals on hmm no. I think I'm going to wear my black skinny jeans, pink baby phat t-shirt, pink and black van, gold earring and bracelet, and gold belt. Nikki! Yes dad come down here and eat some breakfast before you go. Ok! I will be down in a couple of minute I鈥檓 doing my hair and makeup. I feel like I'm forgetting something that鈥檚 right opus almost for got my cell phone and book bag. Hi mom and dad got to go I want to be at school at 7:00 a.m. so I can meet up with the girls and get our schedules for our classes. OK! honey by. As I walk to school I saw some people I knew for last year and said hi. Well now I am two blocks away from the high school got to keep walking. I keep on walking now I was only one block away from the school but as I kept on walking I saw my three BFFL Mary, Sandy, and Kikki.



The four of us talk to each other about what we did over summer vacation. As we talk to each other we came to the cross walk we all stop till the crossing guard say we could cross to the other side. So we waited till the crossing guard gave the signal to cross the street. After she let some cars go by then she said we could cross the street once we cross the street we where in front of 鈥淔reeman High School鈥? I walked into Freeman High School on the first day of school with my friends, Mary, Sandy, and Kikki. We were tenth-graders, so this was our second year in high school. We kept on walking to the cafeteria where their were give us our schedule with our classes them. Once we got them we left the cafeteria to our first period which when we look on our schedule it was English with Mrs. Johnson in room 247 which was on the second floor of the school.Hey girls let go up this stair well. OK Sandy. When we got up to the second floor we look for the 240-250 hall way鈥檚 once we found it we all walk down the hall to room 247 then we walk in and took our seat . She was a little mean, and first gave the class papers to give to our parents. She then asked everyone to go to the front One-by-one, and say their name and something about themselves. It was almost 9:00am and we still had about six students left to go to the front of the class and it was only 40min left in class. Mary was already flirting with this boy named John Walker any way the last student in the class finish talking in front of the class when the bell rang so Miss Johnson told us the homework we had was to get the papers singed by our parent.
After she told us that she let the class leaves to go to their next class I was out of the class before Nikki, Kikki, and Mary so I waited for them. As I waited for them I look at my schedule to see who I have for my next class and I had Algebra 1 then I saw the girls walking toward me.

I think you need to put quotation marks and commas as well as the rest of the punctuation. She talks to herself way to much. Also the conversation in the first paragraph sounded to forced. What does your parents tell you in the morning? Do you talk that much to yourself? I'm not saying talking to yourself is bad but to much in a story is boring. In the second paragraph keep reminding who is talking and don't load up on classes. One last thing though, you have too many run-ons. Ok I'm done. I thought you did a great job and keep it up.

You should consider revising your story because I noticed that there are a lot of run-on sentences that should be broken into two sentences.

stories like this have been so overdone
i actually read the first sentence and felt like i had already read this
im sure that you can come up with a creative more original idea with lots of twist, people like that but try to get away from boys, school and friends it soooooo overdone but good effort for writing, keep doing it

Your grammar and sentence structure are off. I mean, your story is okay, but c'mon, it's pretty cliche and unoriginal. Add a little variety, eh? Create your very own plot, not steal like thousands of other teenagers' stroylines.