Three schools of witchcraft and wizardry build by darius kaiser and the most famous is the darkville castle,he started spreading the dangerous kind of magic called black magic.In this case many tragedy happened.Many people got ill,became crazy and died because the darkvillians (the students study at darkville) use hexes and jinx.They belive that when they use black magic and turture the people they will become more powerful and claim eternal life.
saturday night Darius announce at the stadium of the darkville,
"students of the darkville!!I congratulates you because of your ability in using black magic!Keep up the good work and all of you will gain the most powerful magic and everlasting life."
the students clapped thier hands,after that Darius ordered his servant to gave him a sword.
"i will call the names of the best students!!!Oscar Rasmus, Natalia Marmaduke, Leonard Jethro and Rex Nigel.Please come in front"
the four students smiled when they heard thier names called, they come in front immediately and they kneel at the front of Darius,Darius SLICE the head of four students and the blood spill at his black robe,
"wahhh........"students shouted because of shockness.they saw dariuc eyes showing red and its flaming of being angry.
"all of them are good,good against my law therefore when i know that anyone use other kind of magic except black magic more than there i will do Not only the head also the whole body and make it into pieces."
Darius said angrily at the students.His servant gave him a calming potion and he drink it.
all students petrified,thier eye and thier ears seems to big because of what they heard and seen.
"students!go now to your respective rooms.alwin augustus said.he is one of the school prefect of the castle.
Hezekiah Demetrius one of the student scared because he also using other magic but he make it secret,he decided to escape in his school.he put his all things in his bag and he goes out but he seen by a school prefect,the school prefect hurry after him to look the gate,"totalis invisibilus"Hezekiah cast an invisibility spell so he can drag the school prefect away from the gate(without seing).he kick,punch and smash the school prefect and run away.
Hezekiah run and run and run until he reach the villace called hortesia,(one of the darkvillians attacked).He knock one of the houses,"lady!can i sleep in your house in this night?"The lady trembled when she saw the clothes of hezekiah and she suddenly shout and ask help in her neigbhor,
"help me!The darkvillians attacking again!!"the people in the village run were the shout came from,they have knives in thier hands.
"go away devil dont disturb us!We are suffering lots of illness because of you!Because all of you are devils!"one of the villager said.Hezekiah dont know what to do."ahh...I escaped from darkville because i knew that all the village suffered death so i told my self to help all of you!I need your help."
"what kind of help."the lady said
"my intention here is to build a castle so people can study magic and fight against darkville."
people agree in his plan.They started working from the first shout of roster,they finished the wall easily in the help of hezekiah's magic,small piece of time they destine in thier rest to finish the castle as soon as possible.
"im sure we will wait for 2 years until
it finish but if people had a magic like yours maybe five months we will wait."tom winston said at hezekiah,"tell the villagers that we will have a meeting tonight.I will teach them how to use magic."
the night comes,the people wait for hezekiah,after a while hezekiah arrive,"good night to all of you before we start wear this dragon talisman to help you to show your own power!(actually this is a novel not yet finish tell me what to change!) Critiscm:
- The grammar in general is pretty bad.
- It keeps on switching back and forth between and present and past tense.
- Too brief, unless this is just a story plan, in an actual book this would probably last for a chapter or two. Authors tend to be very descriptive about feelings and surroundings
- The language is very basic.
Try studying up on some well known books and see how they write. Use their writing as an example, but don't copy it. Besides from that, the storyline is good. Maybe be a little less direct about the happenings and start from when they begin to wage the war against darkville. And while you're writing, slowly begin to reveal pieces of information about the past, weaving it all together until it is finally complete at the end of the book to keep your readers on their toes. You don't want your novel to be too predictable, and have it be easily guessed out, try putting a sense of mystery in there.
Just remember, my advice is only for my taste in books, so don't listen wholey to me or any other person, try thinking about who you want to aim this book at, whether it's teen, adults, children, etc. its very long to read so write short and cute and touching stories all the best. Your storyline is very good and you need to be a bit careful with your language. Try to get a more smoother flow into the story. There are some places where it's rather choppy and jerky.
Build up suspense upto the point where the 4 students get beheaded.
Your idea is excellent and I think you can definitely work on that. Good luck! that part whereas the heads of the students are chopped...you need to put more suspense ...you know like straining a rubber band and sudenly snapping it!!!.....
welll story line is GREAT!!! :)...i loved it.....but you should describe it a littlee more......(don't make it wordy....describe it )...anyway...keep writing you'll get better with experience....i like it a lot and keep sending parts of your story to YA.....i would like to read them...and you'll get valuable feedback....
anyway good work!!! :) i like it a lot....its brilliant...but the grammar and language and elaboration need little changes ...however i would advise you toget on with your story and corect the stuff later on or else you might get stuck(thats what happened to me). i think your novel is great and would surely sell if you publish it ...i like your idea ....keep up the good work. :)
please modify the grammar of the last two paragraphs...its (honestly) not correct!!!
but since you have the talent ,keep writing...don't give up whatever the others might say.
good luck! |
