And To Hell With Everyone Else!
Chapter 1
What do you do when you meet pressure everywhere and all you want to do is just stop up and scream at the top of your lungs? When your days are so stressed and stretched you go from manipulating your brain in the morning to manipulating the limbs of your body in the afternoon?
Because that鈥檚 what I feel at this particular moment. Expectations everywhere, from everyone. Friends, family, teachers. Why can鈥檛 anyone see I鈥檓 about to collapse in the middle of it all? I can鈥檛 stand it anymore!
Sally this, Sally that... It鈥檚 like I don鈥檛 have the time to be me. Right now, I just want to run away.
From homework.
From dancing lessons.
From everybody around me.
From being imperfect.
From my solo.
Mam鈥檢elle, my trampy ballet teacher, has been so hard on me lately. I feel guilty every time my feet fall from underneath me and she comes over, pulling me up for the umpteenth time.
鈥淵ou can do it, Sally! Let me see my Sally bloom...鈥?br>
And I try doing a triple pirouette again... and again... and again... But every time I end up on the floor, or looking like a drunk thirteen-year-old trying to find the way home after a particularly heavy night of partying.
I know she means well, but I just want to let the tears bursting to run down my cheeks let go every time I do something wrong in ballet. I don鈥檛 want to disappoint Mam鈥檢elle 鈥?but I do. Over and over again.
All this work doesn鈥檛 give me many minutes off. Of course, ballet is a part of my leisure time, but nowadays it feels like anything but that. I have been watching friend after friend fade away from me since fifth year, when everything intensified with standardized tests and all. Seen the sadness in their eyes when I whispered,
鈥淪orry... I have a ballet class that day... and homework.鈥?br>
And then they started being adopted. And lost contact after a while... and I became the fifth wheel. And they forgot most of the busy, clever Sally Sparrow.
I'm glad the few friends I have are people I know will stick with me till the end. They are friends I can rely on 鈥?trust. Thank God for them. If they hadn鈥檛 been there, I don鈥檛 even dare to thing of what would happen. I would probably be even more of a wretch than I am now.
I used to smile, I used to laugh. I found it easy to reply in a funny way or generally be a happy human being. But at some point that suddenly became very hard. Of course I smile when dancing, but it鈥檚 just thirty-two muscles in use in my face. I can鈥檛 put my finger on when that happened, but it probably had to do with all the major changes in my body when I became a teenager. Have you heard about that sort of thing? I suddenly lost control when dancing 鈥?my body just wouldn鈥檛 co-operate, the technique became impossible. My balance played tricks on me. It took years to get back to where I was 鈥?and all of it because my body decided it was time to turn into a woman. Of course everybody goes through this process, more or less, but I felt it was extra heavy on me.
My heart doesn鈥檛 smile anymore, either.
If you take a closer look, I鈥檇 bet anything my eyes don鈥檛 smile either. I don鈥檛 know what can really make me smile any more.
Another word familiar to me is confusion. I feel like I have never been able to be completely sure about something of importance. Never. I feel like I鈥檓 just drifting around, living life in a routine. I can buzz around, not really knowing what I am doing unless it has to do with ballet or school. That鈥檚 the only hag I can put anything on. Ballet and school.
Boyfriends and love have ended up the same way as my friends. I remember some temporary crushes I鈥檝e had through the years, but never something serious. I had one boyfriend once, and that lasted for three weeks. I remember our last words so clearly...
鈥淚鈥檓 so sorry, Bryn, but I don鈥檛 have time. You know what I mean... I鈥檓 too busy for this relationship to continue, and there are... circumstances.鈥?br>
鈥淭oo busy, Sally? When will you stop being busy? How will you ever be able to live life when you鈥檙e so dedicated to everything but me? I thought I would be your number one priority... But the way it looks now, I don't think you'll be able to put any future boyfriends first either...鈥?br>
I had stormed out of the dancing studio, still having dancewear on. He was so right. A part of me had turned him down because I knew I wasn鈥檛 really in love. My feelings for him had been too 鈥榝riend-like鈥?when it came down to it. I had fooled myself, thought I was in love when I was really just longing for somebody鈥檚 arms around me, somebody who could understand me and love me. When he pointed out the busy-part to me I felt a whip of pain soar through my body. He was so right I was almost afraid to admit it.
I was so glad we only had one night of kissing and cuddling. I think it was then I found out it wasn't supposed to be us after all.
That is another one of my invisible mistakes. I hate taking risks. I never want to do something if I鈥檓 not sure exactly how it will turn out. I don鈥檛 even dare to fall in love any more. It's too risky. Getting hurt by a bloke I think is right for me is something that definitely won鈥檛 do my self-image a favour. Everything makes me feel less valuable. Even when I received top marks in most of my exams last year did I feel the jolt of joy inside me I ought to have felt. My teacher, Mr. McKinley, didn鈥檛 stop bragging around about the result of my Math exam, as I was one of her three favourite students who received over a ninety. I didn鈥檛 exactly feel proud, I just breathed out in relief because now nobody had anything to put their finger on.
The mirror is my worst enemy these days. When I look onto the blank surface that shows me my reflection... I don鈥檛 see anything worth being proud of. I have always despised the way I look. No matter how many times mother told me I had a beautiful face did I look any different in my own eyes.
I started taking dancing-lessons at five. It's been with me all the way and been a great help to clear my head and focus on other things. I got so good that at the school plays we started having little performances, and everybody loved it. That is one of the few things making me happy; to stand on a stage in front of an audience.
Soon we had three ballet classes at the school. Mam鈥檢elle came along, and turned out to be a great teacher for all three of them. She always knows how to encourage her students. I was in the first class during my first, second and third year, then changed to the second class.
Now I鈥檝e been in the third and best class for a year, with five lessons a week. I loved it. It used to be the one thing that cleared my head off everything else. But Bryn changed that. Now I know ballet can also be a burden.
鈥淵ou can do it, Sally! Try once more!鈥?br>
My eyes filled with silent tears as I sat down on the matt floor. I buried my head in my hands, feeling the blood rushing through my feet in the hard Pointe shoes.
鈥淚 can鈥檛 do it, Mam鈥檢elle. I can鈥檛.鈥?br>
She sat down next to me and stroked my back.
鈥淚 know you will be able to. Just have confidence!鈥?br>
All the other girls in my class figured there was something wrong that day. When I sat down and gave up on that exercise. When Mam鈥檢elle escorted me to the changing room and had a long, nice chat with me about confidence.
Now the delayed autumn-show is coming up. I have been practising all summer. Mam鈥檢elle has given me another ballet solo. And I know it will turn out disastrous. With my mood and my lack of determination, I鈥檓 bound to collapse on stage and turn as red as a tomato in front of a thousand students.
I鈥檓 going to be remembered as the failure of the year.
School ends in less than a week, and I know I鈥檒l screw up.
Chapter 2:
It was Saturday morning, and I constantly screwed up my eyes in pain. Lucy had dragged me out of bed an hour ago, and now I was lying almost dead on the orange settee in the corner of the sitting room of our apartment on Riverside drive. My eyes were red with flashing memories of constant partying and my lips were dry and cracked. Someone on the telly screamed about some detergent that could mow your lawn as well as cleaning your clothes.
鈥淵ou so deserved that鈥︹€?Hanna came over from the foyer, looking sternly at me. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 what you get when you鈥檙e hanging out with Julian Fisher when he鈥檚 drinking.鈥?br>
鈥淲hat?!鈥?I yelled, but quickly calmed down, because my head just ached more when I spoke louder. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 go to bed with him like any other girl would do!鈥?br>
Hanna threw it off. 鈥淚鈥檓 sure you would have if you鈥檇 had only one more sip鈥?what got into you? You鈥檙e the owner, for crying out loud!鈥?br>
I looked at her, my eyes poisonous.
鈥淲hat about the owner of the other house? He wasn鈥檛 exactly sober either?鈥?
Hanna just rolled her eyes and sat down next to me, wrapping her arms around my body. I didn鈥檛 bother looking at her; I stared instead at the half-open door of the kitchen. I wanted to eat something, anything.
鈥淪ally鈥?That was a bad, bad, BAD move. Do you even know what you did before we came and rescued you?鈥?She whispered, keeping her voice down so I wouldn鈥檛 cry out in pain.
鈥淐an鈥檛 say I do,鈥?I sighed. 鈥淯nless James or anybody tells me...鈥?br>
鈥淒o you call him a reliable source? He had been drinking too, you know.鈥?br>
鈥淵eah, well, he wasn鈥檛 drunk! He probably remembers. I鈥檒l go ask him,鈥?I said firmly, trying to get up without getting the feeling of a thousand knives burying into my body. I cleared my throat and pulled the blanket up to my shoulders. It was damn cold in there.
鈥淥h no, you鈥檙e not! I鈥檓 getting him down here, you can鈥檛 even stand up properly,鈥?Hanna exclaimed, getting up and making sure I settled down again. 鈥淏e back in a moment鈥︹€?br>
鈥淚t鈥檚 the party-girl!鈥?Julian came over to me, singing in a cheerful voice.
鈥淕et away, Julian, your decibel-level is a bit too high for me right now鈥︹€?I murmured. I pulled my blanket over my head, covering my probably hideous-looking face.
鈥淥k, sorry,鈥?he whispered and came to my level. 鈥淎nything I can do for the tired girl with the worst hangover?鈥?br>
鈥淎 glass of water would be nice鈥︹€?I yawned.
鈥淎 glass of water it is!鈥?Julian yelled, smirking and dancing up and over the floor.
鈥榃hat鈥檚 with him today? He seems unnaturally happy鈥?Ouch, that yell hurt鈥︹€?br>
Gwyneth came over next holding a bowl of cornflakes in one hand and a napkin in the other. I didn鈥檛 get why I had to be so popular when I just wanted to hide away and sleep in the closest cupboard. She was looking tired as well, but not nearly as bad as I did.
鈥淚鈥檓 surprised you鈥檙e still alive, Sally!鈥?she said irritably. 鈥淕uess who dried up all the stuff you threw up last night?鈥?br>
鈥淪orry,鈥?I said, trying to reach out for a hug.
鈥淒on鈥檛 think so, Sally鈥?you still stink, I鈥檓 afraid. Don鈥檛 know what made me come over here in the first place!鈥?br>
鈥淎h.鈥?I blushed a little.
鈥淲ell, be glad you threw up, or you might have ended up in the hospital. You didn鈥檛 save any, to put it that way鈥︹€?br>
鈥淗m鈥?can I ask you a question?鈥?I dared to say, still half-hiding my face.
鈥淪ure, shoot,鈥?Gwyneth smiled, sitting down at my feet.
鈥淲hat did I 鈥?er鈥?do when, well, you know鈥?the alcohol had started running in my veins?鈥?I forced out.
She pretended to be thinking.
鈥淗ard to tell how many bottles you had, but it sure came up again after some hours. Before that you lost it completely, you just messed around like drunk people happen to do, you know?鈥?
鈥淢eaning?鈥?I said firmly, sitting up as far as I could manage without passing out.
鈥淲ell... You noticed Julian being a little鈥?happy this morning?鈥?he began.
鈥楬oly mother of God! I couldn鈥檛 have鈥?That鈥檚 not POSSIBLE鈥?Please tell me I didn鈥檛 sleep with him鈥?Anything but that鈥?Oh my GOD!鈥?br>
My mind was going berserk. My eyes were widened into a shocked expression, and I held my breath as Gwyneth continued.
鈥淗e made you鈥?well鈥?let鈥檚 just put it this way; you鈥檒l slaughter him when you find out鈥?that鈥︹€?br>
鈥淭ELL ME!鈥?I yelled, throwing myself down onto the couch again as the pain ate my brains out.
鈥淥k, Sally. He made you burn all the stories you鈥檝e written for鈥?well鈥?practically every month up till now. Then you had a nice little twisted game of snap, ending with you sitting there in your underwear laughing like a little baby with your unfocused talking. When you were about to remove the straps of your bra, Hanna, Luce, Grace and I burst in and rescued you鈥︹€?br>
鈥榃hat? Thank God they came in time鈥?thank God I didn鈥檛 sleep with James鈥?Or showed him my more intimate places鈥?Oh, the relief!鈥?br>
鈥淎nd not to mention鈥?You kind of went at it with James.鈥?br>
鈥楴OOOOOOOOOoooooooo鈥︹€?br>
鈥淲HAT? What happened! Am I still a virgin? Gwyneth!!鈥?br>
She laughed at my desperate reaction.
鈥淚 must say James impressed me. The poor chap stopped you when you were half-way through pulling his trousers off. You went mad, Sally!鈥?br>
鈥楴o, no, no鈥?this isn鈥檛 happening!鈥?br>
鈥淪ally, be glad it ended there. Be happy there weren鈥檛 that many seeing you behave like that. Because that could cost you your position鈥︹€?br>
I started crying. I was so super-sensitive these days it scared me.
鈥淚鈥檓 sorry, Gwyneth! I promise I鈥檒l never, ever drink again!鈥?I sobbed into her grey shirt, soaking it.
鈥淢aybe I鈥檓 not the one you should apologise to?鈥?she whispered, pointing at James making his way down the stairs from the boys鈥?dorm. 鈥淏y the way鈥?could you back away a little? You still stink.鈥?br>
James looked almost mad, like a dog longing for his prey. Don鈥檛 know how that expression came into mind, but that was exactly what he looked like.
鈥淪ally, you should be damn happy. I think that鈥檚 about the first time I鈥檝e managed to control myself, ever,鈥?he groaned.
鈥淚鈥檓 in awe,鈥?I smiled, pulling him into a hug.
鈥淵ou stink,鈥?he whispered into my shoulder.
鈥淚 know, sorry about that,鈥?I hissed.
鈥淕od, Sally! That was the hardest thing I ever did! You should be unbelievably thankful, because you weren鈥檛 exactly shy last night...鈥?br>
鈥?James鈥?calm down, you sound as if it was the end of the world!鈥?Gwyneth exclaimed, and I put my hands over my ears.
鈥淪o鈥?Why didn鈥檛 you stop me when I was about to strip playing exploding snap with Julian?鈥?I said sternly to James. 鈥淵ou managed to keep me from shagging you just fine.鈥?br>
鈥淪ally鈥?A bloke ought to have some fun, can鈥檛 let all chances pass by,鈥?he smirked.
鈥淥h鈥?you son of a--鈥?I started, but James finished for me.
鈥?****, I know. After you鈥檝e met my mum that phrase gets a whole new meaning. To me it鈥檚 not offensive at all. More of a compliment. Reminds me of the fact that I am such a fine young man even though I have a ***** for a mother.鈥?br>
I rolled my eyes and rested my head on the couch again. My head was about to explode.
鈥淏y the way鈥︹€?I said by second thought. 鈥淒id you get your way with March? I think you did because you were probably so turned on after rejecting me it got easier to have a go at her. Or were you just so pissed and ****** up you backed out? Which one is correct?鈥?br>
James ignored me and turned away indignantly.
When I saw Julian coming with my water, I gave him the coldest of stares.
鈥淵ou had better re-write all those stories over again that you made me blow up, Fisher! You evil big-headed twit!鈥?I hissed.
鈥淲ho spilled鈥? Damn you, Gwyneth!鈥?br>
The water in the glass he held ended up soaking Gwyneth鈥檚 face instead of easing my hangover鈥?br>
I woke up three hours later from a refreshing nap. I rubbed my temple as was relieved to know it was slightly lighter than it had been earlier. I lay down again to sleep some more when I heard a conversation going on in the couch next to me. I peered my eyes open and noticed Julian and James sitting there.
鈥淗ow far did you intend to go with Catherine yesterday, Julian?鈥? James asked, interested.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know, but she sure smashed her own bubble when she started whispering the names of other guys when we kind of got on the inside of things, you know鈥?So it didn鈥檛 feel right to go any further,鈥?he laughed.
鈥淥h? But if she hadn鈥檛, would you have?鈥? James continued.
鈥淧robably not,鈥?Julian said casually. 鈥淪he wasn鈥檛 my type.鈥?br>
鈥淭oo brutal and fierce for you? Figured that. At least she was better than her best friend? Don鈥檛 even remember the name of that girl鈥︹€?br>
鈥淏etter? Nah, they were about the same. Catherine Lesley too brutal and Stephanie Gilhart too quiet. Quite the contrary team, don鈥檛 you think?鈥?br>
鈥淯h-oh鈥?Do you think Sally鈥檚 sleeping?鈥? James stopped Julian.
I felt their eyes on me, and I made a satisfied, sleepy moan to make them think I was sleeping.
鈥淪he鈥檚 sleeping like an angel, believe me, after last night she could be sleeping through this century鈥︹€?James smirked.
鈥淵eah, guess you鈥檙e right,鈥?Matthew answered.
鈥淕ood job with鈥?ahem鈥?holding her at an arms length?鈥?Julian chuckled.
鈥淒on鈥檛 make me discuss that, Julian鈥?that was killing me.鈥?br>
Julian patted James on the back and probably gave him an evil stare.
鈥淲hat exactly did she do?鈥?Julian pushed. 鈥淚 was busy in my corner鈥︹€?br>
鈥淵ou don鈥檛 want to know. If she did that to you, our beloved little Miss Sparrow would definitely not be a virgin any more,鈥?he said slowly.
鈥淚 didn鈥檛 know for a fact that she was a virgin鈥?How do you know?鈥?Julian kept going.
James let out a relieved sigh when Julian picked an easier topic to discuss. Though I was not very happy about them discussing my virginity.
鈥淚t slipped some day when we were talking. That鈥檚 another reason I stopper her, it would be a shame if Sally鈥檚 first time should be when she was drunk, and with one of her childhood friends in addition. She鈥檇 probably throw up for the rest of her life just by the thought of it鈥︹€?br>
Julian giggled softly.
鈥淚t鈥檚 good to know you care about her, James鈥?As long as it stops there.鈥?br>
鈥淒on鈥檛 worry, Julian,鈥?I heard James鈥?strangled voice, but obviously Julian didn鈥檛. I pondered why.
鈥榃hat was that about? As long as it doesn鈥檛 go any further? Was I missing something here?
鈥淪o you think I鈥檇 have her if she did the stuff she did to you? Tell me!鈥?br>
鈥楧on鈥檛 tell him, James鈥?I don鈥檛 want to hear this鈥︹€?I thought desperately.
鈥淣o, I鈥檓 not telling.鈥? James sat his foot down.
鈥淗ey, James, what is this? We tell each other everything, right?鈥?Julian complained.
鈥淵eah鈥?but no鈥?I鈥檓 not telling you this.鈥?br>
鈥淵ou鈥檙e going soft for her! I鈥檓 telling you!鈥?Julian exclaimed, scandalized.
I almost gasped in surprise.
鈥淲hat? No... I just don鈥檛 want anybody to know, because I know Sally wouldn't appreciate it if I told the whole world...鈥?he assured Julian.
鈥淚t鈥檚 just me! Is it such a big deal? You鈥檙e obviously becoming trusted friends or what?鈥?Julian said irritably.
鈥淵ep, and that鈥檚 the way I intend to keep it. I鈥檓 keeping so many of Sally鈥檚 secrets now I know they鈥檒l all spill if I tell you this one.鈥?br>
鈥淕o go go go go!! Tell me a tiny weenie one, and the big ones will come rolling along?鈥?Julian said excitedly.
鈥楴o, James鈥?keep it together! Don鈥檛 you dare 鈥?wait a second鈥?I could just wake up! He won鈥檛 tell then鈥︹€?The bright idea enlightened in my aching head.
I yawned and stretched my arms, and intended to have some fun鈥?So I pretended to be sleep talking before I woke myself up.
鈥淥h, James, James. Wherefore art thou James? Deny thy father and refuse thy name!鈥?br>
I opened my eyes and saw Julian鈥檚 face expression reflect pure shock. James was so red in the face I wanted to laugh out in amusement.
I yawned some more and looked over at the two boys.
鈥淲hat鈥檚 with the faces? I know I look terrible, you don鈥檛 have to make a face at me鈥︹€?br>
I smiled at them, knowing what was going through their minds.
Chapter 3
Somehow I felt that going to Julian鈥檚 house party was a big mistake. The second I entered the overcrowded, stuffy flat on 96th street; I felt something was going to go wrong.
Already I saw some boys who we knew from school slumped over the telly, moaning and babbling to some girls leaning on the bookcase. I bit my thumb and glanced towards the bar, fascinated. I didn鈥檛 want to repeat the hangover scenario, so I decided I鈥檇 take a virgin Pi帽a Colada. I knew that Julian and James would be stricken if I even tried to look their way because of the 鈥淥h, James, James鈥?thing.
Technically I鈥檇 be the social butterfly right now, but all these people were from college or secondary school. I waved and hugged some old friends; ones that I had abandoned because of ballet. All of the chairs in the flat were taken by couples that I bet would have hated each other in school snogging their arses off.
I contemplated sitting down on the floor and watching some TV show called 鈥淕irl Gossip鈥?or something like that. I decided against it.
I leaned on the doorframe and sighed deeply, running a pale hand through my wavy blonde hair. I felt like just sitting on the floor and sleeping, until I caught the hazel shine of some familiar eyes. James. I ****** my head and looked at him, a smile tugging gently at my lips. He tapped his fingers on the polished silver mantelpiece and mouthed, 鈥淩oof?鈥?I furrowed my eyebrows, then nodded and followed him towards the door.
When we arrived, without a word I took off my sandals and dipped my feet into the light blue pool. He did the same.
鈥淵ou can still talk to me, after what I did to you when I had a hangover?鈥?I asked, splashing my feet in the pool a bit. James smiled and shook his head.
鈥淣obody鈥檚 perfect.鈥?He said. I looked down at my maroon-coloured toes. 鈥淣ice toes.鈥?he grinned and pointed at them. I nodded and wiggled them. A short moment of silence followed.
鈥淔ancy a swim?鈥?I asked him, grinning widely. He stared at me as if I was crazy.
鈥淯m, Sally, we鈥檙e at Julian鈥檚 party, and, I鈥檓 not wearing my swimmers,鈥?he said. He sighed, 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 even bring swimmers.鈥?
鈥淪o? Neither did I.鈥?I giggled. His eyes widened and he mumbled incoherently. I rolled my eyes, and before he knew it, I pulled him under the water. When we finally rose up to the surface, sputtering and coughing, he looked at me indignantly.
鈥淲hat鈥檇 you do that for?鈥?he whined, rubbing the water out of his eyes. I giggled maniacally. I shrugged.
鈥淵ou looked hot. I thought you might have needed a cold, refreshing bath.鈥?I said plainly. He furrowed his eyebrows.
鈥淵ou do mean that literally, or what?鈥?he said worriedly. 鈥?..Because if Julian...鈥?he trailed off and blushed scarlet.
鈥淏ecause if Julian what?鈥?I asked curiously.
鈥淔orget it.鈥?He mumbled.
I somehow felt very naked because my blue cotton shirt was sticking on so close to me you could pretty much see my bra, so I slid down so the water was up to my neck.
鈥淪ee, there's the thing.鈥?James said promptly. 鈥淚'm James Nightingale, but beyond that.... I just don't know, I literally do not know who I am. It's all untested. Am I funny? Am I sarcastic? Sexy?鈥?he winked at me 鈥淩ight old misery? Life and soul? Right-handed? Left-handed? A gambler? A fighter? A coward? A traitor? A liar? A nervous wreck? I mean, judging by the evidence I've certainly got a gob! And how am I gonna react when I see this? My best friend, all grown up. My best friend who is all grown up and certainly off-limits. Ah-ha. Which leaves us with a great, big, stinking problem, 'Cause I really don't know who I am. I don't know when to stop. So if I see my best friend all grown up 鈥搘ho is certainly off-limits- then I just wanna do this...鈥?He inched closer to me and attacked me, like we used to at my grandmother鈥檚 pool. I laughed and grabbed onto his shoulders, but he swiftly turned around and caught my arms.
鈥淗a!鈥?he yelled, as I struggled to break free. I pulled him underwater and jumped onto his back. He was turning around for a few seconds, unable to find me. I laughed hysterically.
鈥淥op!鈥?I slipped off his back and into the water, making a big splash. I rose up to the surface to see James staring guiltily behind me. I turned around, puzzled, to see Julian, Gwyneth, Lucy, and half the partygoers staring at us in shock.
鈥淵ou bastard!鈥?shouted Julian to James First, you're completely lost when it comes to grammer and spelling.
-x-
I like your answer, and I'll heed it, Melissa, but I spell the British way, so everything might seem topsy-turvy. (First of all, people who critique your grammar and spelling should really check their own!)
Your is an elaborate story but, like everyone else has indicated, it seems to meander along to some unknown destination. In other words, where is the story going? What is the message?
It seems to me that you could use this as a good start to getting your words on paper-but not as a finished product.
Sometimes it helps to disect your work paragraph by paragraph--take a close look at the point of view and make adjustments accordingly. Do you think this might work for you as a "diary" of sorts??
Best,
Pamela Tyree Griffin, Editor of
http://joyfulonline.net
http://theshinejournal.com can you post the rest of it??
i loveeeee it. Report It
To be completely honest, I only read the first paragraph and a bit... these are the most important words you can ever add to a novel, its what pulls a reader in.
First, you're completely lost when it comes to grammer and spelling.
Second, it's BORING! (No offence, sometimes constructive critisism is needed.)
Third, basically I feel I don't know what the point of reading it. Sure, my limbs are stressed or whatever, and this person has a busy schedule... it's not working out, its a horrible way to start a story.
I know this was/may have been completely rude but I just want to help, books are supposed to be enjoyable and if you want to make it, you need to know the basics as to whats wrong with your writing. It's okay, and unlike the others I was sucked into it and read to the end.
However the scene with James? Totally taken from Doctor Who. I think you need to reread that and then rewrite it because it's almost word for word.
Apart from that it's well written and I felt sorry for Sally with all her troubles and stress - I can relate to that lol!
Keep writing! Sorry but it just doesn't do enough to drag me into the story. Too much showing rather than telling. I want to know more about what's inside the characters. What you offer readers is very superficial. Dig deeper. Pax-C I think you give too much detail in the first chapter. Start with some action, then explain. Sorry, not doing it for me. |
