Well we got this internal creative writing short story. Minimum 600 words. I did about double. It got conflict which we need in a good story. But i failed and so I have to re sit but barely have much time. Teacher failed me BECAUSE i tell too much instead of the text being a story, But i dont full understand. so please help eg. recomend how i can change sentences to make it more of a story. Ive been failing so far this year in english and this is worth four credits! story is below. Thanks
鈥淣ice lay up bro鈥? is what I shouted to Justin on the day we first meet at
the school basketball courts. Ever since the beginning of high school four
years back, Justin and I had been best mates. We shared the same interests
which were basketball, cars, and of course the ladies. We would often
watch the NBA games together on 鈥楨SPN鈥?and root for our favorite team the
Boston Celtics and on the weekends we would party hard and just chill out
together. He was a popular guy who was always cheerful and cracked some
lame but funny jokes. He was well toned like an ancient Greek solider and
had glowing green eyes and sleek brown hair which forced together made eye
lashes flutter. He did indeed haul in a nice catch. He didn鈥檛 hang out
with many girls besides his pretty blued eyed, brunette girlfriend named
Brooke. They were pretty tight knit as they had been going out for four
months. Around Brooke it was like he was under a love trance and he
becomes a real gentlemen around her.
For the both of us it was our last year of school. 鈥淲e gotta end school
with a bang!鈥?Justin would say. I totally agreed, thirteen years of school
we had to achieve something grand. Justin and I both played for the boys
under 19s social basketball team, it was fun and we would train Tuesdays
after school and then compete on Friday nights. It was a great having the
balance of school work and basketball.
One afternoon after we had finished training, as we were waiting for the
sluggish public transport, he brought up the topic of moving up to the
premier team. Justin鈥檚 face jazzed up with excitement about this idea and
I must say he was probably the best player in the team. He had the
handling of Allen Iverson, the assists of Nash and the lay ups of Kobe.
However the premier team鈥檚 Nazi regime was on a whole other level. They
had grueling training sessions that starts at 6:30am鈥?:30am just before
school starts every Monday and Wednesday and to top the whole value
breakfast meal off a two hour super combo on Tuesday afternoons. 鈥淒on鈥檛
forget the sauce鈥? finally the games on Friday night. Soon after he
brought up the topic of switching teams the bus came and he departed,
while I had to wait an extra twenty minutes in the chilling drizzle.
I knew I wasn鈥檛 going to attempt to make the premier team. I had seen the
lanky boys in that team around school. They either looked drained of
energy or they were the boys mucking around and failing class. Justin did
well academically and the thought of him moving up a grade I think was a
bad idea. But if he did decide to move up I knew he would fit in quite
well with his basketball skills upon him.
As the school week progressed, he told me as we were feasting on our lunch
that he had joined the team. 鈥淕ood luck mate鈥? is what popped out of my
mouth as I instantaneously replied back. But really behind my blue eyes I
was sadden about his choice but I knew ultimately it was his choice so I
kept my lips sealed. The next training I had for the social team felt
somewhat empty without the presence of my cheerful mate and together we
made such a good team.
The second term blew past quick and along with it Justin鈥檚 bubbly persona.
I could really see the physical strain upon him which he never had prior
to him joining the premier team. In math鈥檚 class his 鈥楢鈥?grades dropped to
a disappointing 鈥楧+鈥? Most importantly our strong friendship started to
deteriorate. Usually we would hang out on the weekends and go to a mate鈥檚
party or just hang out and do whatever came. But now all he said was 鈥淚鈥檓
too tired man and I got a sack full of homework I have to catch up on,
sorry鈥? I wasn鈥檛 surprised by this answer, so I just hung out with my
other mates but he was always in the back of my mind.
At school there was barely any chat between us, I suggested that we should
catch up and watch a NBA game on Thursday night, he nodded. Thursday came
by quick and after dinner I biked over to Justin鈥檚 house and he already
had drink and snack ready and the comfy leather chairs looked oh so
inviting. The 50鈥?Sony plasma screen crowded with vibrant colour screamed
out 鈥渓ook at me!鈥?It was the American play off season so the teams were
going all out, Boston versus the Nuggets. The atmosphere was not the same
Justin still didn鈥檛 seem as bright and cheerful as before. The game was
intense the Nuggets were leading for the first two quarters but Boston
started to creep back up during the third quarter and were almost tied, so
it was all down to the fourth quarter as both teams knew how important it
was to win and move up to the next round. Our anticipation started to grow
as the TV commercials aired before the last quarter.
Suddenly the rumpus room door blasted open and Justin鈥檚 dad stormed in and
with out thinking he ripped the TV cables out even though the lazy remote
was clearly lying on the coffee table. 鈥淚鈥檝e had enough of this stupid
game! Bloody hell look at this report card! It鈥檚 your last year of school
Justin, how could you after what all your mother and I have done for you鈥?
His dad was obviously upset as he was a successful accountant and came
from a family of education. Justin suddenly jumped out of his seat and
barked back 鈥渂ack off! It鈥檚 my life dad, I do what the I want鈥? I was
stunned by all this commotion and as a good guy I stepped in and attempted
to calm the situation down. 鈥淟ook Justin, maybe your dad is some what
right I personally think you should quit the premier team and play social
again, look at yourself now man and to be frank I don鈥檛 think you can ever
make it to the NBA and you鈥檙e too short for the league鈥? Justin shouted to
the both of us 鈥淚 can pull off doing both, watch me!鈥? then he stormed off
out of the house.
We never got to see the end of the game but now our relationship was on
the line. At school he wouldn鈥檛 even say 鈥渉i鈥? he just ignored me fully.
Well I was just trying to help and now he treats me like this, 鈥渨hat a
bit鈥?is all I could say. I didn鈥檛 sit with him in math鈥檚 class or hang out
with him but I noticed he was still failing maths and did not look any bit
happier or energetic.
The silent weeks between us had pasted by quick. I heard he was doing okay
in the team, not as good as I predicted though. I was still in the social
team and we only had two games left until the final match of the year. I
had gotten use to training without Justin in the team but no one replaced
our game connection we once had in the team. After an intense chain of
suicides we had a five minute break. I took a breather outside on the sun
drenched bench. Out of nowhere somebody drained out their water bottle on
me, I had my fists clenched and turned around to meet the eyes of my prey.
A startled face was upon my eyes which then turned into an earnest smile.
It was Justin! 鈥淢ate I鈥檓 sorry about being an asshole, your right I
couldn鈥檛 juggle everything at once鈥? and then he mumbled with a cheeky
smile 鈥渕y girlfriend said she would dump me if I kept behaviour like a low
life鈥? I was so happy that my best friend came back from the dead and
returned to himself. 鈥淎lright man how many more trainings we got left?鈥?he
asked me energetically. You definitely need to clean up your grammar and mechanics, and you have a few spelling/homophone errors.
Most importantly, though, I would focus on what your teacher said about telling too much. Have you ever heard the phrase "show, don't tell" related to creative writing? It's very important.
The entire first paragraph, except for the dialogue, is "telling." You tell us that the narrator and Justin are friends, you tell us what Justin looks like, you tell us their interests, you tell us about Brooke. It's not a story, it's a personal ad. If you really want to get this information across, SHOW it (but first, analyze whether it's important to the story 鈥?at 600 words, there's not a lot of room for extraneous detail). SHOW us that the narrator and Justin are friends by the way they interact. Let us see, gradually, what Justin looks like, by dropping in details when they're relevant. Get rid of Brooke entirely, since you don't use her for anything.
You also spend an inordinate amount of time on basketball. It's a central theme, yes, but we don't need all the details of times and dates. It's not important. The vital information (that premier team is more demanding than social) can be gotten across with descriptive words rather than a quantitative list. That's true of a lot of things in this story 鈥?for example, the narrator's assertion that Justin's under a physical strain: you need to show (Justin looked pale, he'd lost weight, he had dark circles under his eyes, he moved slowly, he fell asleep in class) instead of tell ("I could really see the physical strain upon him"). Use descriptions that give us a mental image of what's going on.
Just keep that in mind, and you shouldn't have any trouble cleaning this up. firstly, you have quite a few grammar mistakes like tenses and punctuations.
secondly, your story isn't about one whole theme. it just goes round and round like you're narrating about this, then you suddenly jump to that. try to have a main theme or incident which you want to convey to the reader before you start writing your essay. this should help to keep you on track. 1) Grammer
2) Way of writing is too colloquial
3) Not much climax
4) Problem is solved too easily
5) Not enough themes
The main thing you need to do is work on the climax and solving the problem. It would be better if the person and Justin made up themselves, not through another person (girlfriend), since it is about you two. And also, inject more of your feelings at the end.
All the best! :D |
