Do you think my story is good?

This is my story (not done!). I am twelve, and I would really like your opinion on it. If you don't read the whole thing, please don't answer.
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The world around her was disappearing. She sat in the middle of it all, watching as her life fell. Screams, blood, and words of fury and anger ran through her mind. Then it stopped abruptly. She felt a spinning sensation, and soon it was over. She lied on the pavement and felt as if nothing had happened. Her dad wasn鈥檛 dead. Her mom hadn鈥檛 run away. Her sister wasn鈥檛 pregnant. She, herself, wasn鈥檛 depressed. She then realized she was in the middle of the street, alone. She could hear nothing. Suddenly she started laughing uncontrollably. And then she closed her eyes鈥nd fell into the darkness.

There were footsteps. Pounding footsteps the made the floor quiver and vibrate. Boom, boom, shake, shake, was all she heard. She kept her eyes shut tight, afraid of what she might see, might do. Her body was stiff; she was timorous to show any motion. The footsteps became louder and louder, and then they stopped. She opened her eyes. She was still in the street; she was still alone. The whole world seemed to be deserted, abandoned. Where had the footsteps come from?
She screamed. Words that she had never even heard of flew out of her mouth and into the sky. The words were meaningless, made up. Yet, she kept screaming them to the world. To the now lifeless world, except for her. And maybe someone else, someone who had pounding, loud footsteps. The footsteps, the words, the laughter, it all taunted her. She heard a baby crying. She knew it was only in her head. She didn鈥檛 know what was happening. Everyone was gone.
She slowly stood up, and walked. She didn鈥檛 know where she was going. She walked like a zombie. She walked to the cemetery. She saw countless graves, countless names, and she cried countless tears. She saw her father, her sister, and even her runaway mother. The lives and souls of all she knew were dead.
She was left.



Suddenly everything in her sight began to warp. The universe began to spin and she felt herself falling. She heard everything. The crying baby, the footsteps, the meaningless words, and the blood curling shrieks. She couldn鈥檛 take it.
鈥淪TOP! STOP!鈥? she felt herself scream. The yell vibrated through her body. She could not stop falling, so she shut her eyes and tried to disappear. Abruptly the falling was over, and her hands felt a cold, stone, floor. It was dark, and she could make the outline of a small, huddled, figure. Her ears were filled with maniacal laughter.
The room suddenly exploded with light, almost blinding her. A small, disfigured old man grinned at her with yellow chipped teeth.
鈥淲elcome, my dear,鈥?he said.
鈥淲elcome where?鈥?br> 鈥淲hy here, of course.鈥?br> 鈥淲here is here?鈥?she started to panic, 鈥淎m I dead?鈥?br> The old man started to laugh maniacally again. He grinned in a way that made her frightened.
鈥淣o. Not far from it.鈥?br> A stick materialized out of nowhere. He grabbed it and pointed it at her. She scooted back, afraid. It was unknown what the stick would do.
Suddenly, a door opened that she had not known was there. A young woman with dark red hair in a bun stood there. She wore a medieval type dress and a crown. It was obvious that she was royalty.
鈥淟eave her alone,鈥?she said sternly to the old man. He snapped his fingers and the stick disappeared, but he could not seem to stop grinning that creepy grin of his.
The young woman smiled at her.
鈥淲elcome, Sarah Hellon,鈥?she said, 鈥淲elcome to Falassion.鈥?br> Sarah stared.
鈥淲hat is Falassion?鈥漵he began angrily, 鈥淲here am I?鈥?br> 鈥淔alassion,鈥?the woman said patiently, 鈥渋s the place where humans, wizards, and any other type of life form comes when their soul is almost completely diminished.鈥?br> 鈥淢y soul is not diminished,鈥?Sarah retorted.
鈥淵es, we know,鈥?said the woman, 鈥渁nd that is why you are here. You are in danger, Sarah Hellon. Your soul is almost gone鈥?We are here to save it.鈥?br>
The young woman led Sarah down a narrow walkway, quietly.
鈥淲hat happened to me up there?鈥漵he asked, 鈥淲here did everyone go? Does that happen to everyone before they come here?鈥?br> 鈥淲ell, sort of,鈥?the woman said, not turning to look at Sarah, 鈥淓veryone goes through a moment of insanity before coming here. Sarah Hellon, you have been through so much that you went insane. Everyone was still there, the graves were part of your imagination. The sounds you heard were too, but the meaningless words were unexplainable. The footsteps were just the people you couldn鈥檛 see, the people you thought were dead. Something different happens to everyone. But everyone goes insane.鈥?br> Sarah seemed to be nonchalant to the fact that she went 鈥渃razy鈥? She seemed to be unaffected by everything, that she was in an unknown world, that a weird old man almost killed her, and that her soul was almost gone.
鈥淲ho are you?鈥?she asked.
鈥淚?鈥?asked the woman, 鈥淚 am the queen of Falassion. Had you not figured that out yet?鈥?br> 鈥淲hat is your name?鈥?br> The queen smiled.
鈥淚 have none,鈥?she replied.
Later, Sarah was put in a dungeon shared with a sleeping five year old girl. She had brown hair and wore a brown potato sack as a dress. She had no shoes.
The girl suddenly opened her eyes. They were gray and it seemed like they had no end. It was almost as if you could stare right through them and see all of her insides.
鈥淲here are my parents?鈥?the little girl asked.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know.鈥?br> 鈥淲HERE ARE MY PARENTS?!鈥?the girl screamed.
Sarah said nothing.
The girl began to scream louder, just screaming, no words.
Sarah sat there, like nothing was happening. She figured her eyes looked the same as the little girls, except blue. She knew that her black hair was a mess, sticking up everywhere. She didn鈥檛 care.
The door opened. The girl stopped screaming and looked up. Sarah did too. A teenage boy stepped into the room, accompanied by the queen.
鈥淭ake care, Justin Harson,鈥?she said, just as she had said to Sarah. The door slammed behind her.
Justin sat down next to the little girl. All was quiet for a moment.
Unexpectedly, someone stepped out of a dark corner. It was a girl who seemed to be in her teenage years. She was tall, with dirty blonde hair and green eyes. She was overly skinny, and her clothes were extremely ripped up. Her eyes were wide as she spoke.
鈥淵ou have to get out of here!鈥?she said urgently.
Justin looked confused.
鈥淲hy?鈥?he asked.
鈥淭hey鈥檒l kill you! They said they were going to save your diminishing soul. They鈥檙e liars. They鈥檙e crazy, they find enjoyment in killing. Broken souls are the easiest to kill. We have to escape.鈥?br> 鈥淗ow do you know?鈥?Sarah asked, mistrustful.
鈥淭here used to be five other people here,鈥?she said, 鈥淭hey were taken to 鈥榓nother dungeon鈥?for reasons unknown. One day, I was exploring the castle. I came across a room had never seen before. I opened the door. There, millions of people lied dead. There was blood all over the place. After months of being alone in this dungeon, I finally understood why.
鈥淚 have more soul than most here. Not a lot. But more than most. I am still not ready for them to kill. But in a few months I will be. And so will you. Don鈥檛 you see? They don鈥檛 pay attention to us. They throw us in dark dungeons filled with other depressed people. Our soul is dwindling more, not less. We have to get out of here.鈥?br> Sarah stared at her.
鈥淪o, what are we supposed to do?鈥?br> The girl stared at the floor.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know,鈥?she admitted.
Everyone was quiet. The whole world seemed to be falling apart to Sarah. But it wasn鈥檛 like she wasn鈥檛 used to it. She thought for a minute. There was really nothing she could do. She never thought she would die in another world. It all makes it more interesting鈥?br> 鈥淲ho are you anyway?鈥?Justin asked.
鈥淚 am Seremela Celebrindal,鈥?she said.
Everyone quietly and reluctantly introduced themselves, except the little girl. No one talked after that. There was nothing else to be said.
The night was to be uncomfortable. Sarah discovered there were no beds, and they had to sleep on the hard stone floor. Even so, she fell into a deep sleep鈥?br> *鈥淪arah!鈥?Larry Hellon called out, 鈥淒inner鈥檚 ready! What鈥檚 taking so long?鈥?Sarah paused her mp3 player just long enough to tell her dad she didn鈥檛 want to eat. She heard someone coming up the stairs. The door opened.
鈥淪arah, mom says you have to come,鈥?her eleven year old sister told her.
鈥淔ine, fine.鈥?br> Sarah dragged her fourteen year old self down to the dining table. She looked at her dad: excited, as always, about his 鈥榙elicious鈥?food. Her mom is: holding her hand to her forehead, eyes closed, stressed with her life. She鈥檚 maybe about to burst into tears again. Her sister has: brought her ipod to the table, a colossal amount of make up on, and looks rather like fifteen instead of eleven. It was a very typical every day dinner.
鈥淚 have to go,鈥?Linda Hellon, Sarah鈥檚 mom said suddenly.
鈥淲here?鈥?br> 鈥淚 got to go check the mail.鈥?br> She practically ran out.*
Sarah woke up in cold sweat. She looked at her surroundings. She saw the four gray walls of the dungeon, and three other people sleeping. She was breathing heavily. That day in her dream was real. It had happened a year ago.
She remembered that it was hours later and her mom was still not back. She remembered that it was days later and her mom was still not back. Days turned into weeks, turned into months. Her mom never came back.
Sarah tossed and turned all night. Soon morning came and everyone opened their eyes. Sarah planned to the opposite 鈥?all day. But suddenly the little girl stood up. She began to cry hysterically.
鈥淲HERE ARE MY PARENTS?!!鈥?she cried.
鈥淲e don鈥檛 know!鈥?Seremela said, looking worn out. Her eyes were extremely red. The girl cried and cried repeating the same question over and over again. It made Sarah wonder: Where were these girl鈥檚 parents?
鈥淲HERE ARE MY PARENTS?!鈥?br> The door opened again.
鈥淭hey鈥檙e dead,鈥?someone spat. It was the old man. He was still grinning.
鈥淵ou鈥檒l all die one day,鈥?he whispered. Out of the corner of her eye, Sarah saw the queen rushing in.
鈥淗ow many times have I told you to leave them alone, you fool?鈥?she yelled at the old man. The little girl was still crying, louder now. The queen seemed angry.
鈥淪hut up!鈥?she yelled. The little girl, frightened, fell silent. Sarah noticed that the queen鈥檚 eyes were red. But soon enough they turned dark, dark, brown.
鈥淭here is a new rule,鈥?she said, 鈥淣o one is allowed to come out of the dungeons.鈥?br> 鈥淲hat?鈥?Seremela asked, aghast, 鈥淏ut- but- why not?鈥?br> The queen鈥檚 eyes once again turned red.
鈥淒o not question me!鈥?br> Seremela stepped back, surprised. The queen鈥檚 eyes turned back to their normal color.
鈥淲e have your best interests at heart,鈥?she said, 鈥淲e are just trying to help you. Well, we have to go the other dungeons now.鈥?br> Seremela said nothing. The queen and the old man turned and left. It was obvious that the queen was a completely different person than when she brought Sarah to the dungeon.
Seremela started sobbing softly.
鈥淲e鈥檒l never get out of here.鈥?br> Many days later, the little girl had stopped asking for her parents. She stopped screaming and crying, she had stopped doing anything. She just sat there, like a lifeless doll.
Seremela was constantly trying to come up with a plan to leave. Every plan she came up with proved to be impossible. She was always talking about schemes and how they would soon die, unaware that no one was listening.
Justin sat there without a care in the world. He usually sat with the little girl, for reasons unknown. He said little, and when he did talk, he mumbled so low that no one could understand what he was saying. He was mostly ignored.
Sarah talked to Seremela most of the time. She liked her. Seremela did most of the talking, about her plans and whatnot. Sarah said things like 鈥淥h鈥?and 鈥淥k鈥?and 鈥淵eah鈥? Sarah didn鈥檛 really listen to what she said. She just needed sound to fill her ears, to relax her. Her music was the only thing that kept her sane on earth. Unfortunately, that didn鈥檛 seem to work out too well.
That day, Sarah became brave and started the conversation between her and Seremela.
鈥淲hy are you here?鈥?she asked.
鈥淲hat do you mean?鈥?Seremela asked dully, 鈥淚鈥檓 here because I鈥檓 really, badly, depressed.鈥?br> 鈥淣o, I mean, what caused that?鈥?br> 鈥淥h,鈥?Seremela looked at the floor, 鈥淲ell my mom died first.鈥?br> For the first time since anyone had known her, Seremela fell completely silent. It didn鈥檛 last long.
鈥淢y brother committed suicide,鈥?she continued, 鈥渁nd my father was never there in the first place.
鈥淎ll I had left was my 20 year old sister. She just watched television all day. She never talked to me. It was like I didn鈥檛 exist. So I ran away. She probably didn鈥檛 notice. Anyway鈥?br> It was winter. I had no food. I had no idea where I was. I stayed in the middle of nowhere for a few days. One day, for some reason, I thought I saw the snow starting to melt. It was the middle of January. I heard birds chirping and people humming. The humming got louder and louder and then it turned to screaming. I looked around and saw that all the birds who were chirping were dead. And then suddenly everything started to-鈥?br> 鈥淲arp,鈥?finished Sarah, 鈥淎nd you ended up here.鈥?br> Sarah showed no signs being sympathetic. Suddenly Justin spoke, loud and clear.
鈥淚 was kidnapped,鈥?he said, 鈥淎nd tortured. I watched many die.鈥?br> That was all he said. No one urged him for more. The little girl spoke shyly. You could barely hear her.
鈥淢y name is Jenny,鈥?she said, 鈥淚 am five years old. I don鈥檛 remember my last name. I lived on the street with my mommy and daddy in New York City.鈥?br> She pointed to her brown potato sack dress.
鈥淭his is my only clothes. One day, mommy and daddy got hit by a car. No one saw me when they were carried away to the hospital. I lived on my own. I don鈥檛 know what happened to my parents.鈥?br> She began to cry again, but not loudly.
鈥淚鈥檇 rather live on the street than here,鈥?she said.
They were all thinking the same thing. The food they got was a cheese sandwich with stale bread every 12 hours. They never saw any light. There was nothing else about the place worth mentioning.
A few weeks later, nothing had happened. The four people sat waiting for their food. The door opened and the old man, who Sarah had learned was the queen鈥檚 assistant, stepped in, handing them their sandwiches. Like always, the bread was stale and there was mold growing from the cheese. They ate it anyway. The grinning old man left.
A few minutes later, Seremela noticed that the door was left unlocked by the old man for the first time since the new rule was put in. Her eyes grew wide and she smiled. It was the first smile Sarah had seen on anyone but the queen and old man since months ago, before she even came to Falassion.
鈥淲hat?鈥?Justin asked.
鈥淭he-the-door!鈥?she said excitedly, 鈥淚t鈥檚 unlocked!鈥?br> She looked around at everyone.
鈥淲ell!鈥?she said, 鈥淟et鈥檚 go!鈥?br> She ran up the stairs and to the door. Everyone followed her. Carefully, Seremela opened it. She looked around.
鈥淟et鈥檚 go,鈥?she whispered.
They bravely walked out onto the narrow hallway. They explored for ten minutes before they passed the old man giving out food in another dungeon. They ran as fast as they could the other way. They got back to their dungeon, but did not go inside. They all slid down the wall, panting, and out of breath. And suddenly they all started laughing.
鈥淭hat was close,鈥?said Justin smiling. Jenny was giggling uncontrollably. The others smiled down at her. It seemed that for the first time in years, they were happy.
And then, they heard footsteps.
The four of them frantically tried to open the door to the dungeon, but to their surprise it was locked. They gave up, turned, and ran. The footsteps got louder. Sarah went through d茅j脿 vu for a moment.
They didn鈥檛 know where they were going. They just ran as fast as they could; the narrow hallway twisted and turned, zigzagged, and formed a straight line all at once. Jenny fell. Justin picked her up quickly and continued running. They would not be caught.
鈥淪top it! Stop running right now!鈥?they heard the queen鈥檚 voice say.
鈥淪eremela, maybe we should stop,鈥?Sarah panted.
鈥淣o! We got to keep going!鈥?br> Suddenly they came to a dead end. Seremela swore loudly. They turned and came face to face with red faced and red eyed queen.
鈥淐ome鈥ith鈥e,鈥?she said. There were tears in Jenny鈥檚 eyes. Sarah looked at her in sympathy, surprising even herself. Maybe it was because she was only five?
They followed her into a huge, beautiful, room. They sat down in four of the five chairs. The old man was sitting in the remaining one, laughing his maniacal laugh.
鈥淲hat was that?鈥?asked the queen, eyes yet to return to brown, 鈥淵ou think you can break the rules? I don鈥檛 get what you don鈥檛 understand! And why are you sitting? Up, up, up!鈥?br> Everyone stood up immediately.
鈥淵ou want some freedom?鈥?she asked.
No one answered.
鈥淚 asked, do you want freedom?鈥?br> 鈥淣o,鈥?everyone murmured.
Suddenly her eyes turned again to their normal color.
鈥淲ell then, back to the dungeons,鈥?she said, 鈥淥h and- no food for three days.鈥?br> No one argued.
Sarah sat in the dungeon, separated from everyone else. For the first time since her mother ran away, her father died, and her little sister got pregnant, she was angry. No one else was. The others had learned to give up hope on happiness, had learned that optimism was just a set up for disappointment. Sarah would normally be right with them. But right now, she just couldn鈥檛 understand what kind of mental problems this queen had. She couldn鈥檛 understand how, if she was trying to help them 鈥榞et their souls back鈥? she could leave them without even a stale, moldy, cheese sandwich to eat for three days. Just for wanting to get out of a dark dungeon that they had been sitting in for many weeks, and have fun. Wasn鈥檛 that supposed to get your soul up? Having fun? This just proved that Seremela was not lying鈥?br> Sarah was not really angry at the fact that she was not going to eat. She was angry at the fact that she was not going to be able to eat, at the fact that she wouldn鈥檛 be able to have the choice.
Sarah closed her eyes and imagined the time when she was ten. It was really simple back then. She had a mother, and a father, and seven year old little sister. They would play hopscotch around the block, and raced in the park. But then everything fell apart鈥?br> She looked at Jenny sitting in the corner, Seremela staring at the floor, and Justin, who had gone back to doing absolutely nothing. What was she doing these days? Sarah felt something enter her body that she had only felt a few times before. It was determination. Determination to save herself, to save Seremela, Justin, and Jenny. To not just sit around here like she鈥檚 been doing for the past weeks.
Once again, she closed her eyes. But she didn鈥檛 imagine the past. She imagined the future. She imagined happiness.
The three days went by without much anguish, and Jenny was especially fine. She was apparently used to going hungry, and it wasn鈥檛 really much of a difference than getting one sandwich every twelve hours anyway. Sarah鈥檚 angriness had worn off quite a bit, but she still felt strongly that their punishment was unfair.
On the fourth day, the four sat quietly eating their food, actually liking the taste, when the old man came in once again.
鈥淓veryone to the great room,鈥?he said, and left quickly.
鈥淭he great room?鈥漇arah asked, confused.
鈥淚 think he means the room we were in when we got caught,鈥?Seremela explained.
They went to that room, and it was filled with people: wizards, regular humans, elves, leprechauns, centaurs, and much more sat there. Sarah had never seen a room so depressing. They joined everyone else.
The queen stepped onto a stage that Sarah had not even known was there.
鈥淲elcome,鈥?she said, 鈥淵ou are here today for a very important reason. It has come to my attention that some of you鈥?(she looked pointedly towards the four) 鈥渨ant some freedom. If it鈥檚 freedom you want, it鈥檚 freedom you鈥檒l get.鈥?br> No one dared to smile. No one dared to expect this to be a good thing. And they were right.
鈥淔rom now on, you鈥檒l be waking up at nine in the morning,鈥?she continued, 鈥渢o do work in the back of the castle until nine at night. You will not leave the castle. There are very secured gates. If you are slacking off, you will be punished.鈥?br> Sarah quickly counted the hours.
鈥淭hat鈥檚 twelve hours!鈥?she whispered.
鈥淵ou can go back to the dungeons now,鈥?the queen announced, waving her hand. The crowd went away, looking unsurprised. This made Sarah even angrier. She looked at Seremela, whose head was down. Who had brought them out there in the first place?
鈥淭his is your fault!鈥?she yelled at Seremela, once they were out of the Great Room.
鈥淲hat?鈥?br> 鈥淲hy鈥檇 you bring us out there, huh? Why couldn鈥檛 you just leave it alone? Now look what we have to do, because you wanted to leave the dungeon. There was no chance of us escaping anyway!鈥?br> 鈥淥h, no, don鈥檛 you go blaming this on me!鈥?Seremela retorted, 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 have to get down on my knees and beg you to come! You followed me, and all I had to say was 鈥楲et鈥檚 go鈥?鈥?br> 鈥淵ou shouldn鈥檛 have gone in the first place!鈥?Sarah had raised her voice even louder, 鈥淵ou鈥檙e the one who came up with the damn idea!鈥?br> 鈥淥h, so now I can鈥檛 think of anything!鈥?Seremela said, rolling her eyes, 鈥淲e all went, Sarah! We didn鈥檛 know this would happen! It鈥檚 all our faults! What the hell is wrong with you?鈥?br> 鈥淣othing!鈥?Sarah had tears pouring down her face, 鈥淣othing鈥檚 wrong with me!鈥?br> She left the group, went into the dungeon, and went into the corner that Seremela came out of when they first met her. She heard them come in a few seconds later. For the first time, Sarah wanted to go home.
*Ok, so her mom was gone. Sarah had to accept that and move on. It was time to go to school鈥?br> The bell rang. It sounded like an alarm in Sarah鈥檚 ears that told her to get up and forget about everything. She breathed heavily and walked into American Literature.
She didn鈥檛 know what they were talking about. She didn鈥檛 care about writers right now. She closed her eyes and tried to stop the tears. Why did it have to be this way? She thought her mom had loved her. She knew mom had loved her. Why did she go?
鈥淢s. Hellon,鈥?the teacher was saying her name, 鈥淢s. Hellon, please pay attention.鈥?br> Sarah looked at the floor. One girl, a girl Sarah knew as 鈥榩opular鈥? looked at Sarah with disgust.
鈥淵ou鈥檙e weird,鈥?she sneered, 鈥淲hat鈥檚 wrong with you?
Sarah turned slowly, looking at the girl in disbelief.
鈥淵ou don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 wrong with me,鈥?she said. She grabbed her things and ran out.*
Sarah sat crying in the corner. She knew the others heard her, but she didn鈥檛 care. Before she had come here, her mind had been blank. She had blocked out thoughts about everyone. Now she was reliving everything.
She stopped crying. Sarah covered her face in her hands. She didn鈥檛 want to go through this right now. She felt a migraine coming on.
She heard footsteps coming towards her. She hated footsteps by now. It was Justin.
鈥淗i, Sarah,鈥?he said. He sat down next to her. Sarah stared at him.
鈥淲hat?鈥?br> Justin seemed to struggle with himself for a moment.
鈥淚..uh..I don鈥檛 know, Sarah,鈥?he finished lamely.
Before she knew it, Sarah was enveloped in a hug. It was an unfamiliar feeling. She was rarely hugged. She was hugged at her father鈥檚 funeral. She was hugged by her dad when her mother left. She hugged her sister when all of this happened. But she had never been hugged in a way that wasn鈥檛 stiffly, in a way that wasn鈥檛 fake.
She hugged back, surprising herself. She started to cry again. The tears fell on his shoulder and made his white shirt wet. She let go.
鈥淚鈥檓 sorry,鈥?Sarah said. And she walked away.
Then she realized that she couldn鈥檛 run away. It sunk in that she was stuck here, with Jenny, and Seremela, and Justin. She couldn鈥檛 go back home.
She hit the wall repeatedly.
鈥淣o, no, no, NO!鈥?she yelled, 鈥淚 DON鈥橳 WANT TO BE HERE!鈥?br> 鈥淪top it, Sarah!鈥?Seremela yelled. Sarah was only vaguely aware that Seremela was talking to her. She was vaguely aware that Jenny was crying and pulling her arm. Sarah jerked her arm away. She saw Jenny fall.
鈥淪ARAH!鈥?br> Seremela pulled Sarah away from the wall.
鈥淪top it, Sarah,鈥?she repeated, 鈥淪top it. You鈥檙e scaring Jenny. You鈥檙e scaring everyone.鈥?br> 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry!鈥?Sarah yelled. 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry, I鈥檓 sorry, I鈥檓 sorry! Ok? Ok鈥︹€?br> Then she blacked out.
Sarah stood up. She heard someone screaming their lungs out. Then, something else, like pots banging. Was she going crazy again? But the others were up too.
鈥淲hat鈥檚 going on?鈥?Sarah yelled over the racket.
鈥淚 think it鈥檚 an alarm!鈥?yelled Justin. Seremela looked anywhere but Sarah. Jenny just looked confused.
鈥淲hy is there an alarm?鈥?br> 鈥淲e have to go to work!鈥?br> Sarah pointed to Jenny.
鈥淪he doesn鈥檛 have to work, right?鈥?She asked.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know!鈥?Justin replied.
The old man came in.
鈥淟et鈥檚 go,鈥?he grumbled. He looked at Jenny.
鈥淵ou too,鈥?he said.
鈥淲hy does she have to go?鈥?Seremela and Sarah protested at the same time.
The old man looked at them with disdain.
鈥淏ecause she has to!鈥?he barked. He was not grinning today.
Jenny looked like she was about to cry.
鈥淐ome with me, Jen,鈥?Sarah offered. Jenny looked up at her with wide eyes. And then she moved towards Seremela. Seremela looked at Sarah. She didn鈥檛 smile and shrug like Sarah expected her too. She just took Jenny鈥檚 hand, and walked away.
Justin walked towards her.
鈥淗i, Sarah鈥?he said again, like nothing was wrong with the world. Sarah wondered why the hell he was here. He seemed so happy these days. They followed the old man.
鈥淲hy did Jenny do that?鈥?Sarah asked, hurt.
鈥淪he鈥檚 scared,鈥?Justin said casually.
鈥淪he鈥檚 scared of me?鈥?br> 鈥淵ou pushed her to the floor yesterday, Sarah,鈥?Justin said, 鈥淚 would be scared of you too, if I was five.鈥?br> Sarah looked at the floor.
鈥淚 didn鈥檛 mean to,鈥?she said quietly.
鈥淚 know,鈥?he said, 鈥淚 know. And soon, Seremela will realize that, and even Jenny.鈥?br> Sarah looked at him. Maybe you couldn鈥檛 get out of here, even if you were happy. Because Justin certainly didn鈥檛 look like he did a few days ago. He certainly didn鈥檛 look like he had a lost soul. At least there was one happy person around here鈥?br> They reached a golden door. The old man unlocked it. Outside was the hugest lawn they had seen in their lives. It looked more like a small town. A quarter of the people they had seen in the Great Room stood there, digging gigantic holes. The old man handed them each a very small shovel.
鈥淒ig holes,鈥?he said, 鈥淎s big as that.鈥?br> He pointed to a finished one. It looked like a crater had landed there.
鈥淲ith this?鈥?Seremela asked in disbelief, waving her small shovel.
The old man didn鈥檛 answer. He left, slamming the golden door.
鈥淟et鈥檚 all work together on one,鈥?Justin said. Seremela looked at Justin and Sarah. Then she grabbed Jenny and went to another spot.
鈥淥k,鈥?Justin shrugged, 鈥淚 guess I鈥檒l work with you.鈥?br> Sarah sighed. They started.
鈥淪o鈥︹€?Justin started, 鈥淗ow鈥檚 life?鈥?br> 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know. But you probably do. You鈥檙e with me 24 hours a day.鈥?br> Justin smiled.
鈥淚 figure it鈥檚 not working so well for you.鈥?br> 鈥淣o.鈥?br> The dirt kept falling back into the sorry excuse of a hole that they had so far. Sarah looked up at the sky. It was lavender, green, red, and brown all at the same time. The grass was blue. The soil was the familiar brown though.
鈥淪o, this is Falassion,鈥?Justin said, 鈥淎nd I thought it was just dungeon walls.鈥?br> 鈥淵eah鈥︹€?br> A girl with dark hair in a ponytail, elfish ears, and weird, small eyes came up to them.
鈥淣eed help?鈥?she whispered. She pulled out a stick, much like the old man鈥檚. Pointing it at the small hole they had so far, she created a hole as big as the other one.
鈥淗ow鈥檇 you do that?鈥?Sarah asked amazed.
The girl looked at Sarah like she was stupid.
鈥淢agic,鈥?she said simply, and she walked away.

My story isn't done yet! Didn't I put that up there?

You Write like you truly enjoy writing. This is probably my favorite short story that I have ever read...even if it isn't finished. I know how you feel... I'm 12 too and I write descriptive pieces but when i'm done I don't know if ppl will like it. When ppl read it tho, They say I write lie a true writer. I espeacially like the begining because it gives you a bit of a mystery and you want to figure out what is wrong with Sarah's world. My only 2 critisms are that you should describe Falassion's Great hall more because I imagine it as a big white emptiness.(If this is what you wanted the nevermind) And also maybe later describe what the holes are for( i no it's not done) Right now they seem to be alot like you are copying the book- Holes.Bt you keep writing and perhaps e-mail me the end product because i'm dying to know the ending of this magnificent peice!

Very impressive. Best of luck with your future work.

Omg, I so don't have time to read all that right now...I'll come back later.

Wow it's really good!

there a site called fictionpress.com and you can make and account and post your story up and other users can read it...

It was good, not great, but it was good. I liked the atmosphere of the story, it added emotion to it all. It's an interesting plot. Overall, it's pretty good. But, it still needs work. Before you move on writing more of your story, edit what you have.

Oh, and i think if you posted it up on Books & Authors section of Yahoo! Answers, you could get some really good advice from other fellow writers.

That was an exelent story even though your not finished every word i read made me want to read on. And for someone your age that is a superb word choice i'm 12 also but i always know a good story when i read one sericly that's a talent show it to a teacher or someone I know they will just love it you are awsome at this I write also I like to write poetry. this is a fantastic peice share it with someone more than just me . that is great

That story is great, plently long also. If you published it, I'd buy it.

Best of Luck!
-Lisa

Wow, that was an amazing story, it needs a bit more of an ending though, I really want to know if they stayed there or not.

*APPLAUSE* : D

That was amazing!

its kinda scary..... and sad.... and depressing... and morbid but yea its ok if someone scary..... and sad.... and depressed... and morbid read it but im happy!! = )

Wow, I thought this peice was really good, especially since you're only twelve years old!!! The writing had good details and an awesome story line. Once again WOW!!

Oh.
My.
GOD.

That's incredible! I SO wasn't writing like that when I was 12!!