The grass is always greener on the other side.
I look at the little inspiration magnet in through the window of the gift shop. Who came up with that quote I wonder. A wailing baby and a distressed looking mother rush pass me as I turn away from the window, after noticing the lady at the cashier counter giving me odd looks. Like I鈥檓 going to rob the gift store in the middle of JF Kennedy airport. Some people can be so idiotic.
Someone taps my shoulder, and I turn around to be met with a miniature youngster. He鈥檚 holding up a booklet and a pen. Great, I鈥檝e been found. There is no escaping now.
鈥淎re you Damien Risquette?鈥?He asks.
鈥淵up,鈥?I reply sourly. I guess the boy didn鈥檛 get the signal that I want him to leave.
鈥淐an please sign this for me?鈥?The boy begs. 鈥淚 love your movies that you do!鈥?br>
Now why the hell is this boy watching the gory, profanity filled, sexual movies that I star in, I wonder to myself.
A woman, probably his mom walks behind the boy and smiles at me.
鈥淗e adores you,鈥?she says with a smile.
鈥淵eah, I noticed,鈥?I reply.
I glance around the terminal, in search of some escape route. A small crowd of people have gathered around. Mostly women, thank god. 鈥淚t鈥檒l only take a second,鈥?the woman says. 鈥淧lease!?鈥?The boy pipes in.
I sigh and put on a forced smile then sign my name on the blank sheet in his booklet. It鈥檚 the only page with anything on it. After handing the book back, the boy grins and strides off his mother.
Then the commotion starts. A girl screams out my name and that鈥檚 when I run for it. Now, when you see someone running through an airport, there is usually nothing wrong with that. It probably means that they are about to miss a flight or something. But, when someone is running through an airport while being tailed with a crowd of fixated young girls, and swooning women, there is room for wonderment. To say the least.
I bolt to the entrance of the Private Lounge and flash my members card at the security.
The oak doors shut behind me, leaving the hurricane of females behind me. I plop down in a leather chair and order over a red haired assistant. well, there is room for improvement:
I noticed that it's basically "telling" writing, with some pretty good adjectives thrown it. The scene seems rushed. Like I said, "show" more than "tell". (I can almost guarantee that you'll hear that a million and one times, but it's true).
First off, I'd slow down a bit. The scene rushed, like mentioned, sort of like you scribbled it down on a notebook on the way to school, suddenly remembering you had a beginning of a story due that day (been there). Certain things can be stretched more, but the hardest thing is knowing where to stretch it.
To start, I'd go into more detail about the scenery around, that's almost the first thing I do when writing. here's an example of "sort of telling" (using a scene of a girl running through a forest):
Hurriedly, the girl ran through the forest. Trees all around her blurred past her vision as she dashed through them, stumbling and tripping and gasping along the way. She dodged a branch, scraping her hands as she steadied herself on the earth below, desperate to escape what she was leaving behind.
And before she could come to a stop, her toe hit a stone and she was sent tumbling through the air, over the cliff. It took many moments of soaring through the darkness before she plunged into the dark water below.
Alright, so, it's an ok paragraph, but can be improved. Now notice how I simply add more description in the next example. Which one can you picture better?
The girl plundered through the forest, the deadly claws of the trees around her reaching out their spiney fingers, groping to hold onto her form, snagging at any flesh or cloth it could grip. Gnarled roots beneath her desperate feet writhed across the forest floor, tangling with each other in an attempt to grip her foot and pull her down into the earth. Her chest heaved with exhaustion, a cramp chisling away at her rib, carving deep into it as if trying to free the fluttering heart trapped within its cage. But through the pain, weariness, and darkness she ran, the thought of the danger she was leaving behind stuck on her mind like a hungry leech.
All of her insticts had been honed on trying to make her way through the desnse thickest of trees and branches and dancing shadows, searching for a trail in the filtered moonlight, that it was a wonder how her vision had missed the dull stone before her. But her toe caught it, bringing her escape to a shuddering halt, sending her form toppling through the air. Over the cliff and down through the chilling night she tumbled, head over heels, any voice she onced had to scream whipped away from her throat in silent ribbons of her efforts. After several heartbeats, her figure struck icy water that reflected the darkness above and the shinning coin of the moon. Deep into the lake she plunged, its cold freezing her nerves and numbing her muscles, swallowing and claiming her whole.
Alright, see the difference? The edited version isn't my best work, but it'll do. Notice how much longer it is, it's got a whole lot more fluff. Be careful though, fluff in the wrong places could spoil a story, but I see it as safe to fluff up the first paragraph, unless you start with an action scene, then its a whole 'nother explaination.
Ok, so I chose a very easy scene to fluff up. Now, how should you fluff up yours? if I were you, I'd splotch up your beginning in various areas with fluff, as appose to the whole thing, like my example. (make sense?) Describe the busy airport scene around - the energy, the sounds, etc - and the feel of running from the crowd. Those are the two main areas I'd work on, 'cause they're the easiest to describe.
another thing on describing. If you want help, I always use personification. (I trust you know what that it), though in an airport scene, it could be harder to use than a forest one. Also, I'd like to see you go somewhere with "the grass is always greener on the other side" thing.
Just polish it up, and you'll be good to go! but don't get frustrated, writing is hard to teach, and it's also another skill that only can be learned to a certain extent.
I think you're a pretty good writer, and the critiquing I gave is based upon how I write, descriptive. Don't take it too personally ;] I have a question for you: why do good writers loathe themselves so?
No, you are not a bad writer, based on that writing. Actually, I think you're quite good. I love the present tense 1st person -- I write this way too and I felt right at home. The writing is beautifully simple yet descriptive. Every line is stuffed full of insight into your character, you really brought him to life.
Sentence rhythm is good, everything sounds great to me. I wouldn't hesitate to take this off the internet and send it in somewhere.
I'm very impressed. I like the line where you say the woman walking behind the kid is "probably his mom." You follow the rules of 1st person by limiting his perspective to the moment.
Something tells me this isn't the first piece you've written... |
