Is it legal for the birth mother to write a letter to.....?

....the adoptee mother? The adopted child is not yet 18, but birth mothers curent husband (me) has tracked them down. My wife has a lot to say but also does not wish to have things turn ungly.The child is 16 1/2 years old. I have found they have moved 5 times since the adoption. What is your "feelings" on this? Could this be illegal ? They have main residents in NJ & vacation home with mail forwarding in AZ. Thank you.

Oops the AZ address is gone,their back to NJ.

I don't see how it would be illegal. However, if the adoptive mother reacts badly, she could file a restraining order and cut off contact. I would approach with caution. If she waits a year and a half, she can contact the child directly. On the other hand, waiting sucks. I would have been thrilled with contact at that age. But you don't want the adoptive parents to react badly. (I don't know that they would react badly. We just can't know.) If she cannot wait, contacting the mother is definitely the way to go. Anything else would create additional problems.

I wish I could give you better advice. In any event, whatever you decide, good luck to both of you.

I don't see why it would be illegal.

No its not but handle it very very carefully.

It's not illegal to write a letter but is it in the best interest of the minor child. She can send the letter to the aparents but I think she should hold off contacting the child until the child is an adult and don't expect the aparents to be happy you are writing. She could also send a letter to the adoption agency and have it put in the childs file. I do not feel the letter should be addressed to the child.

Sending a letter should not be illegal. I do know depending on the state that the adoptee must be 18 to search for birthparents and must be that age for birthparents to search for birthchild. That said since this letter would be going to the child鈥檚 mother and not the child in question it might be different. I guess it cant hurt to try and if push come to shove your wife can send a letter directly to the young man after he鈥檚 had his 18th birthday in 2009.

What if you just put a feeler out there. Keep the letter general and brief. Then she what she does with it.

Good Luck!

The type of adoption doesn't matter in determining the legality of this. It is perfectly legal. If there is no restraint order, then it's not illegal to make contact with another human being in our society. We live in a society that has free association.

But, I would handle things delicately, as she is still a minor and under her parents' say. This concern could be avoided by hanging in there for the next 18 months, when she's an adult and can make all of her own relationship decisions.

Use caution because it could be illegal under 'Endangering a Minor'. The endangerment laws often include emotional stress and are catch-all laws.

A letter to the adoptive parents would make the most sense. They have been raising this child and their reaction could be anything from welcoming (the child has been asking questions they wish they could answer) to threatening legal action (they haven't told the child, they've told lies or have been told lies by the agency about the birth family, they are genuinely afraid of what the birth mother might want).

But - they are the ones closest to the child and would hopefully know the best way to address the situation.

I would ALSO write a letter to the agency to be put in the child's file to be given to him/her IF and when the adoptee (as an adult) requests it.

I don't think it's illegal.....but I would be really careful. You don't know know if the child knows he/she was adopted? Or what has been said to the child......16 and 1/2 is a complexed age. Writing to them now might do more damage then good. they're looking a driver's license, prom, sat's, college apts....etc....if you drop a bomb like this now.....it could be very difficult and NOT in the best interest of the child......if they know they were adopted and good things have been passed back and forth....probably at 18 the letter would be better expected and accepted.

It depends if it was a closed or open adoption

Honestly, I don't know for sure, but my gut feeling is that it could be illegal. It would all depend on the state's laws, the circumstances of the adoption, and a myriad of other circumstances.

What I would recommend is to contact the adoption agency where the adoption was handled (if there is one) and get a professional to answer your questions. If the adoption wasn't through an agency...what I would probably do is just call a random one in the state the adoption was and see if someone can give you the answer. Also, there is such a thing as a 'mediator' type of person that will contact them for you. If your adoption agency doesn't have one, Lutheran Social Services might be a good organization to contact for help.

I think it's a big enough issue to find out for absolute certain before going through with it (rather than taking the general public's opinion on it. I'm not downing you for asking her first though.).

You asked what our "feelings" are...my personal feeling is that it is a good idea to do it. But I'm just not so sure about the legal end. Good luck.