A short story someone wrote, tell me wat u think..?

Everlasting Beauty

Kelly sighed. She was sick and tired of Denise sucking up to Ethan. Ethan was Kelly鈥檚 boyfriend, not Denise鈥檚. Why couldn鈥檛 Denise back off? She wrote down her homework assignment before gathering her books to put back in her back-pack. The back-pack was a birthday present from Ethan. She went out of the class, not wanting to see Denise come after Ethan. But halfway, she realized she had left her notebook on her desk. She turned back to class, bracing herself for the worst. She saw Denise sitting at her place, talking to Ethan in a low voice. She cleared her throat, grabbed her notebook and ran, blinking back tears.

When she reached home, she grabbed her cordless phone and called Camillia. Just then, she remembered that Camillia had just moved to Michigan. Kelly searched for Camillia鈥檚 new address and penned down a letter. She would send this by express mail, and hopefully, Camillia could give her some advice鈥?br>
Dear Cami,
Today I saw Denise talking to Ethan again. Why doesn鈥檛 she back off? Plus Ethan was really listening to her. And you know that when Ethan wants to ignore someone, he goes huh? Or dunno鈥?Anyway, last Friday, I wanted to ask Ethan whether we had any plans on Saturday night, and Denise was like, don鈥檛 bother him鈥?And Ethan was like, dunno. And the worst thing was, Ethan turned to look at Denise and they smiled at each other.. I can鈥檛 stand them! Anyway, tell me how I should handle them鈥?Should I break up with Ethan???????

Love,
Kelly
Kelly ran down the street, letter in hand. She ran to the post office. Hopefully it hadn鈥檛 closed. It had! She seethed in frustration and turn back. Just then, she saw Ethan. She turned to wave at him, but a car knocked her down. Ethan ran to her. Kelly鈥檚 face was streaked with blood, a deep gash scaring her left cheek. When Kelly woke up, she was in a hospital. Her hand flew up to her face, flinching as she stroked the deep wound. The doctor told her that there would always be a scar. She cried tears of fury and pain.

After a week, Kelly was discharged. The scar was very visible, and everyone pointed at her. Imagine that, Kelly North, homecoming queen, scarred for life鈥︹€? When she went into her class, she saw Denise talking to Ethan, again鈥?. Ethan nodded, and Denise smiled, looking satisfied. When Denise sat down, Ethan went up to her and said, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry about your face, baby鈥?鈥?br> 鈥淵eah, so what are you waiting for? I won鈥檛 mind, go ahead and do it!鈥?br> 鈥淒o what???鈥?Ethan鈥檚 forehead creased in surprise.
鈥淏reak up with me, and go to Denise. I鈥檓 ugly anyway,鈥?Kelly was trying hard not to cry.
鈥淵ou got me all wrong!! Denise told me that as long as your heart stays beautiful, you are beautiful, no matter what they say,鈥?br> 鈥淲hat?! I have to thank Denise,鈥?Kelly felt rather embarrassed. She walked over to Denise and mouthed the words thanks. Denise nodded and smiled. 鈥淢aybe I got Denise all wrong,鈥?thought Kelly, 鈥淢aybe she鈥檚 ok after all鈥︹€?br>
Kelly looked forward to a new beginning with Denise鈥?/div>

2 weeks ago

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I like it! If I can make a few suggestions though I'd try and slow the accident down and dwell on it a little longer as it's the main part. Also the sentences

"she grabbed her cordless phone"
"She would send this by express mail"

I'd suggest you take away "cordless" and "express" as neither are important to the text and it makes you think it's going to be. And I don't think Kelly's reaction at the end is that realistic
"What?! I have to thank Denise,"
as it's not something people are likely to say, as think. But other than those minor minor things I really like it, I love the use of language in some passages such as "Ethan's forehead creased in surprise" as they're descriptive and effective. Nice job :)

The use of names so often was annoying.

honestly, it was horrible. events happened way to fast, a short story does'nt have to be that short. and they could have used pronouns instead of repeating the same names over and over. better luck next time.

yeah, events too fast. and some passages are like, uhm, well sorta like "Kellay ran and tripped. She died." like that if you know what i mean. and her reaction IS a bit unrealistic. but its okay. =3 Acceptance is good.

Honestly? Not so good.There was so much repetition.And also: what was the er,point?Sounds like a mini soap-opera to me.

u used my name

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