Advice on handling my step son?

Could you all please give me some advice on how to handle my stepson? He is my stepson, but Ive een raising he and his brother since they were 6 and 8, they are now 15 and almost 13. Their mother left at that time, and my husband and I have had custody ever since, with their mom getting a 6 week visitation in the summer.I consider them mine since I am raising them, and I treat them no differently than I would my own children and most people dont even realize that they are not my kids. The younger one is fine with that for the most part, but then again, he doesnt remember a lot from when his mom was here but the older one has huge issues with me and with Kylee. He wont do anything I ask him to, constantly picks on Kylee and is just flat mean to her, talks back to me, is rude to my family and Ive had enough of him and his attitude, not to mention his mouth. He has hated Kylee since day one and used to beat her up for calling my husband dad. She had barely turned 4 when we married and he

used to threaten to beat her up for calling my husband dad. She had barely turned 4 when we married and he is the only dad she has ever known and my husband has no problem with it, but Dakota sure did. We were at my parents house a few weeks ago for a family dinner and he behaved so badly that I was embarassed. He refused to speak to anyone, sat in a different room and sulked, when my mom gave him his birthday card, all he said was "hm" and just walked off. And when he did speak to someone it was only to call his younger brother names because he was playing with Kylee instead of sitting doing nothing with him. I so badly wanted to grab that card back out of his hand, tell him he didnt deserve it and give it back to my mom. His behavior that day wasnt unusual either. At most family gatherings, either my family or my husbands, he sits with his arms crossed, glaring and sulks.

Sounds like he has a major attitude problem. If i were you i would talk to your husband and make him talk to him. Tell him to explain to your son that you may not be his biological mother, he still has to show you the same respect he would his own mother.
There is no excuse for that kind of behavior no matter what has happened.

it sounds like he isn't happy and needs some one to talk to...
does he do well in school? does he have a lot of friends?

i dont think he should be punished for sulking and not being social... but the name calling etc... is different....

maybe he needs to see a psychologist and they can actually see how he is feeling. he probablly has alot to say and no one has taken the time to listen...

I have been through a similar situation first of all your husband has to be on the same page as you and also don't hold back do the same thing with them as you would your own.

Hi there. I'm the editor of an online magazine called empoweringparents.com. We're a website and online community dedicated to helping parents who are managing challenging behaviors in their kids. (This includes kids with ADHD and ODD, but also other children who are acting out for any number of reasons.) Please check us out if you have a chance. I would recommend three articles to you to start with from Empowering Parents: "Oppositional Defiant Disorder: The War at Home"; "The Jekyll and Hyde Child: Targeted Behavior Patterns"; and "The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems Traumatize Siblings" . They are all written by a professional counselor named James Lehman who has worked with kids for more than 30 years. Hope you find this helpful!

well, I agree with a comment above, this is totally normal behavior for a 15 year old, they think they know it all, they don't like "family events" and if you force them to go...believe me....they will make sure you and everyone else knows he is not happy being there (like the incident with your mother).
If you add that he is not living with his real mom, and although may be he doesn't say it at loud but he may have a sense of "abandonment" and he recents that, and the only way he knows how to vent is with a terrible attitud and being mean towards others around him.
He would benefit from counseling, and perhaps you all go as a family too, it is not easy to be 15 years old and even more when you feel that the whole world is against you (which obviously is not but that's how they think it is). BUT no matter how mad you get ...it is not a good idea to bad mouthed his mother, is not his fault that she left them , as you said is not your daughter's faul...neither is his, I am sure on his mind he recents your daughter NOT because she calls his father..dad, but because he knows your daughter is living with her mom (YOU) .
Try to understand him BUT you and your husband have to discipline him, one thing is that you understand where he comes from and other thing that he gets away with his attitude and rudeness. He needs to know that you love him but that doesn't mean you have to let him get away with his bad behavior.

Is your husband doing anything to solve the problem? I had a stepfather since I was 5 and I always had trouble, I dont know, maybe accepting him, or the fact that my dad was never coming back. I really hated him telling me what to do, not that Im saying that you shouldnt do everything you could to make sure he follows your household rules, but I know that I had a hard time with him being my dad. I know that, most of the time, my mom always cut in. What about his mom? Does your husb. and you still have a decent relationship with her? I understand that she is not in the picture much but, if possible, it might help for her to talk to him and, in a way, let him know that he is not being disloyal to her by having a good relationship with his step family. I hope that I was at least some help and just so you know it gets better, me and my stepdad are pretty close now and he is a wonderful grandfather to my three boys, and Im sure that , if nothing gets better before hes 18 and moves out, with work it will get better after. Good luck to you!!

ADD ON: Wow I just got done reading all of your add-ons. What do you guys do for punishment? I was expected to behave, of course and if I didnt my pusishments were pretty severe, Im talking being grounded for no less than 2 weeks, that was for mouthing off, but most often being grounded for a month or two at a time. My mom would take away my radio, no phone, and I wasnt allowed to touch the remote, she would also take away my books (I love to read, but you can do the opposite and force him to read, lol), and I didnt have an ipod, cell phone, driving privelidges, or a computer otherwise those wouldve been taken away too. And of course home within 30 minutes of being out of school and no going out at all. Sometimes she would make me write sentences 100, 500, or 1000. I think that you guys really need to have him in couseling with out stopping, and he really needs to be much nicer to your daughter. That would be my main concern, is her safety she could get hurt at least mentally.


Wow he really is something, You guys can force him to go to counseling if he does not want to go. Threaten him and tell him that you will take him to a mental hospital if he wont go to counseling. Considering the fact that he will be with his mother in a few weeks you should really try to see if she can talk to him about everything. If he idolizes his mother then her telling him that its ok to like you and that he needs to be a big brother to your daughter really might help.

A lot of what you are describing sounds like a typical 15 yr old, regardless of your family dynamic. Also, it's completely expected that as he's becoming an adult he is starting to question the decisions of the adults in his life. He may be angry with his mother for abandoning him. He may feel guilty for loving you because he sees it as betraying his mother. I'm not a shrink, but there are a lot of reasons why a 15 year tries to disrupt the family. The best advice I can give you is that you and your husband make a concerted effort to spend time with him (one on one) and keep talking. He may not want to discuss the "issues", just talk about whatever he's in to. Sometimes as parents, we let the anger from all the little events build up because we just don't want to constantly be arguing. The bad thing is that drives emotional distance between you and your kids. Don't let that happen here. It's hugely important that your husband is on board and is making an effort. A close bond with his dad will give him the confidence he'll need to confront the issues that will undoubtedly arise as he navigates the teenage years. Be patient and everything will be alright.

You should have done that with the card. I have adopted my step-daughter, so I have already been down the road you are on right now. You need to take back the control in your house. You need to go right up into that child's face with fire in your eyes and fearlessness in your voice and let him know that his behavior will no longer continue. You are the parent and he is the child. Let him know that if he touches his younger sister again, then you will touch him. Let him know that there are bootcamps that he can be sent to and his behavior will change right now. Don't give him an "if this or if that" you tell him how it is going to be. Strip him of all of his fun and tell him that when he starts showing responsibility, then the stuff will slowly get returned. If you don't take control now you are in for a world of hurt. I let it go too far and ended up getting beat up one night. Next time she tried I turned the tables and let her know that I was not afriad. I did to her what I am telling you to do. She takes responsibility, if there is something that needs to be done in the house, she takes it upon herself and does it. If she starts getting an attitude I shoot the fire from my eyes and it stops. I'm sorry you are going through this. If you need to talk, you can email me at ban_vaccines@yahoo.com.