When is it time to put someone into care?

My mum has severe MS and is housebound and basically bedbound. My Dad (the greatest!) was her main carer until a year ago when it all got too much for him and he passed away. (the worst day of my life.)
Since then, I moved back into the family house with my younger brother and have taken over mums care. Its now been a year and we just cant do it anymore. She keeps us awake every night and screams like a baby if we dont run to her every call. Its impossible trying to hold down a job as the stress of looking after her is so great. My brother and I have really tried our best but I can see the way it affects him and it hurts...my Dad always wanted us to live our own lives, and now Ive realised we need to think about the fact that mum needs 24hour care with people who know how to handle someone like her. Would really appreciate to hear from anyone who has dealt with a similar experience, or anyone who can give me some advice!
Thank you all xx

That's heartbreaking, it sounds like you know it's time to put her in care. You and your brother have done more than many kids can do for their mom and you should be proud of that. It's sounds really tough so I would agree that you need help, you can't go to work on sleepless nights forever, so get help, if it means putting her into care, then so be it. You probably can take her out for holiday celebrations to your homes and such we did that with my mother in law when she had to go into care. It was just too difficult, she fell alot and bruised, it just got dangerous all around for her not to be in care. Good luck.

I've gone through this more than once. The answer is: When they need 24 hour care by trained professionals because they can no longer care for themselves. If you are frazzled and stressed out, you cannot provide the quality or quantity of care a person with severe MS would require. I know it's a hard decision to make and I really feel for you. Good Luck ;-)

Have you looked into home health care? It can be expensive but medicare will cover some expenses relating to home health care. Ask her doctor about home health options. But it really does depend on the sevarity of her condition, for some patients it is simply better to be put into a 24 hour care facility.

my grandfather had alsheimers disease and my grandmother took care of him for like 7 years untill it got really bad. nursing homes take great care of their patients especially if u get a good one. just visit her as much as possible and you wont feel guilty. you'll get to know her nurses and the people she lives with. i remember going to visit my grandfather...i actually thought it was really fun. i made friends with alot of the old people. although its sad to see a loved one in a home its the best thing for them. good luck :]

i am sory to say, that it is time to seek a residential place for a ill loved one, when to care for that person is beginning to have a detrimenal affect on the carers health, but the hard part is taking that step, for your own future wellbeing, you as the carer has to live with what is a very difficult decision to make. you must accept that you have as a carer done your best, and that the decision to place your loved one into a residential placement is the correct thing, not just for the person themselves but also for you. if you can discuss this with your GP, he/ she will give you all the advice youll need, hope this is of help, and best wishes for you and your family.

I took care of a best friend who had MS.. at first it was no problem. I loved my friend. I looked into everything I could do for her. But the day came when my mental and physical health were compromised. I talked with all the doctors, nurses, and home health agency. They agreed it was time for me to live my life or else I would be the one that was very ill. It hurt to have my friend placed in a nursing home. And still to this day I am suffering from everything I did. There are so many details in taking care of a person in that situation. Lifting, giving, cooking, cleaning.. waking up in the night to help them. I pray for you and hope that you can go on and enjoy your life somewhat.

It sure sounds like you are unning out of options for caring for her at home and need some help. Putting her somewhere where she can receive 24 hour care sounds like it is something you should consider. Just check out some places that offer this and i think you will feel better about making that decision they are trained in this field so they would be of great help for you at this time.Plus they will know all the steps need to be taken so your mom's best well being is first priority. Just know by talking with them doesn't mean you have made a decision it is just trying to make the option available if you decide to go that route.I have worked in health care for 20 plus years and i know this isn't an easy choice to make but you need to take care of yourself to help her with her needs too. Nothing is permanent you can change your mind if things are not working out for all of you. Plus don't just check with one place check with several to see which one can offer your mother the best care she deserves. Good luck with everything and don't feel guilty about checking into this either you need answers and help.

hi
i think the time to put someone into care is when you get to the point that you can no longer cope.
this is not an easy decision to make and you r emotions will run wild with you but you have got to think what is best for you, your brother and your mum.
you can visit her as often as you want, plus you probably will feel happier and as if a weights been lifted so you will be a much happier visitor for her.
don't feel guilty about your decision, your only human and you and your brother need to have some quality in your life too.

Apologies for the length of my response. I do hope that you get at least something from it.

I'm so sorry to hear of the situation in which you find yourself, and I'm speaking from the opposite side to most of the respondents. I used to be a social worker for elderly, mentally infirm people. I was based in a residential home for people suffering various types of dementia (organic brain failure, of which Alzheimer's disease is the most common type).

The advice I would give to you, and to anyone else in a similar situation is if you're finding that you can't cope ... after you've used community services, such as your GP, district nurses, and other support agencies, then now is the time.

I know that you want what's best for your mum, but the stress you find yourself under right now is nothing compared to how bad it could get. You could find yourself suffering many different symptoms that would indicate that you're at the end of your tether.

The advantage of your mum being moved to a residential establishment or nursing establishment is that the staff there aren't there for 24 hours a day. If they find that they're feeling stressed, they can usually walk away and someone else will take over. At the end of the day, they can go home and switch off, which, I'm sure you'll agree, is something that you can't do yourself.

Whatever you do, you mustn't see it as disposing of your mum, or 'putting her away'. That's simply not the case. What you're doing is looking for the best available option for your mum. You'll know that she's getting the best available care, and when she wants it.

I'm not sure how physically disabled your mum is right now, but you'll find that most homes will allow you to visit as frequently as you like. (I always told relatives that they could call at any time ... day or night, but that we'd like prior notification if they wished to visit in the middle of the night as night staff were instructed not to allow anyone admission without knowing who they were. It makes sense if you look at it.)

One thing I would say to you is to visit several homes and choose the one that you feel would be best suited to your mum's needs. Undoubtedly, you'll be told that "there's only this home that deals with MS" or "there's a long waiting list", but stick to your guns. Visit the home and talk to people ... and I don't just mean the officers of the home. Talk to other members of staff and get their opinions ... care staff/nurses, domestic staff, handy person, cooks, etc.

Look for the state of repair of the place, see if there are smells that shouldn't be there, visit during a mealtime and see how well the staff tend to their residents, check the standard of the meals being served. Ask to see menus. Check whether residents/patients can obtain drinks when they want them, and not just on regular tea trolley rounds. What's the privacy like? Are doors knocked on? Is toileting and bathing done sensitively? These are all things that would matter to your mum, I'm sure.

Ask yourself if you'd be happy to spend time in the home as a resident/patient. Do staff speak to residents/clients/patients? Are they courteous? Do they explain what they're doing to the residents? What activities take place within the home? Are all, or a majority of residents encouraged to attend/take part? What if someone isn't able to take part? What's the staffing ratio like? (i.e., how many members of staff are on duty at any one time? How many residents are there? Is the staffing ratio the same at different times of the day?)

Of course your dad wanted to live your own lives, as, I'm sure, did your mum. I'm sure she didn't want you to be tied down to taking care of her for the rest of her life.

If you feel that I might be able to offer any further advice, please don't hesitate to get in touch with me. Simply click on my avatar/photograph and click send email.

Whatever decision you and your brother come to, I wish you the very best of luck for now and the future.