Is my husband emotionally abusive to me?

If my husband is abusive, it isn't in the traditional sense, so I'm just wondering. Some days he can come home from work in a very bad mood. He yells and screams and curses about things, but rarely if ever AT things. For instance, "I hate that f'ing cat. He is so f'ing irritating." And he'll rant like this for quite a while in full-out anger. He also does this about undone housework, video games, and other things. He does this with me and used to do this at his roomates and coworkers. It annoyed them, but they handled it. He likes to punch things when angry, but never when anybody is in the room with him. He's never called anyone names or physically hurt anyone. He doesn't threaten or demean. However, he can get in his "moods" for days where everything he says sounds snippy. And if I walk away when he's intense about something, he has a hard time letting me leave. It generally brings the tension level up pretty high. He says this is just him, but he's trying to change.

When my husband is not in his "moods," he is very loving and talkative and tolerant. Nothing can bother him when we're on vacation together. When I've called him abusive in the past, he gets massively offended and says that I don't know him at all. He thinks his tension has nothing to do with me, only with him, and that it shouldn't affect me so much. I'm going to counseling now in part to learn how to deal with this. However, he's recently understood that his behavior makes my already present anxiety disorder go through the roof, so he's trying especially hard to change. But then, last night I asked him to help me take some towels upstairs and he started with, "I've been trying to practice my guitar forever. You've been stopping me all night." Ugh.

I don't know, but if you're asking the question, I'd guess so. If you've called him abusive in the past, I'd guess you had reason. You sound like a very sweet person in your posts, who is giving her husband the benefit of the doubt a lot, not like someone who'd make up an accusation like that to be dramatic.

All abusers are sweet and wonderful between their bad moods, often apologetic, but you wind up walking on eggshells all the time trying to avoid the unavoidable next time. You know it's coming but don't know when. They say they're trying to change, but don't actually do anything about it, like the way he won't get therapy or even anger management.

No, I don't think it's abusive to scream and curse about everything that upsets him; it just suggests he has emotional problems. Punching things when no one else is in the room doesn't come across as abusive to me, though if you know he's doing it at the time, not sure it wouldn't still be a little scary. Abusive or not, those things must be upsetting to live with. I wouldn't be able to relax.

Abuse usually isn't physical even when there is physical abuse in a relationship. Those I know who've left physical abuse - and I know a lot of them because of a support group I was in for several years - say the verbal and emotional abuse was worse. Angrily blaming you for things that aren't your fault, like his guitar practice, slides into the abusive area if it happens regularly. Refusing to let you walk away from him as he rages is emotionally abusive, in my opinion. As someone posted above, how do you figure this will be when there are kids and 5 times as much stuff to do on half as much sleep? My first marriage had verbal abuse that I lived with OK for a few years, but when a baby was born it became a nightmare in what should have been a time of joy.

Maybe the important thing isn't categorizing him as abusive or non-abusive, but deciding what you can deal with, and how best to do so. I agree with Lydia that you chose him for a reason, and that the counseling you've started can help you figure out why and how to deal with your relationship issues.

Just as the counterpoint to those who write that he gets something out of his behavior and you have to figure out what and stop reinforcing it, not to disagree with them since that's often a good way to look at things - there are also many people who just have serious emotional issues whether or not you reinforce their bad behavior. So an alternative point of view is that we can't control or always even influence someone else's behavior, and that it's his job to control his behavior and be nice, yours to control yours and be nice. Not only are you not to blame for his behavior or responsible for fixing his problems, but it is quite possible that his problems and his behavior can't much be influenced by what you do. It may be that this is just how he is until he commits to therapy to change it.

Nobody knows a diagnosis over the internet. He could just be depressed or tired and stressed. He could be a psychopath. He's probably something in between. All I know for sure is that boundaries are good and that having to walk on eggshells because of mood swings and rages is an awful way to live. I did it for 18 years. I deeply regret it, and I read your posts and worry about you. I don't want to project my own experience on yours, though, which is likely to be different in many way.

Then again, my first thought when I read your first post about him was "borderline personality disorder", and I see Tom above also thought "personality disorders". I still recommend reading up on them.

That's not healthy AT ALL. And all it takes is one slip up before he hurts you, his freinds, or children if you have any. I'd seek phsyciatric help, and if it doesnt help, consider getting out of the situation!

buy him a punching bag...and dont talk to him when he is ranting just leave the room or house and go else where in the home where u cant hear him...avoid him until he comes to you to converse..trust me i do it everyday and it works well...

Yes that is abusive and he needs help in order to change. He needs to spend some time in counseling to figure out other ways to deal with his anger and frustration.

Everybody gets in pissy moods. If they say they don't they're lying.

But, it does sound like he may need some help channeling his anger in better ways. Maybe seek out the help of a therapist/anger management worker?

Best of Luck!

It sounds to me like you already know the answer to that. But, on the other hand, have you ever thought that he may be bipolar? He may need some medical attention for these mood swings.

He just sounds like a guy who is grumpy after work because he's tired and stressed. It never seems to happen to me, I have been told I'm eternally happy though lol.

Next time he punches anything or shouts just give him a good right hook babe.

He is NOT abusive. He need love and support. A little bit of emotion and kindness. He is awaiting some soothing remarks and sympathy.

I think there may be something wrong with him. Bring him to anger management.

Sounds like a tool, if he can't get over it why should others have to deal? He also sounds like the type of person to beat on a woman or child, the wife can never see it though and usually denies it after seeing it. If he touches you take him the F out

Probably, but how's that working for you.... You are the one who chose this man as your husband, so there must be something you are getting out of it. Possibly you liked that he was forceful (I don't mean physically), and a manly man...
Counselling for both of you sounds like a good plan.

ok so you husband is abusive hes anger may not be physical but it is abusive none the less. its seems to me from what i have read that if he does not get his way then he gets angry. but i agree that we can all be in a bad mood sometimes and yes we do take it out on others sometimes but if your husband is doing this kind of thing on a day to day basis or even a weekly basis and to his loved ones ie you friends family and coworkers then there is somthing wrong. and what he is dong now could lead to violence or wrose. i suggest that in stead of walking away when he is angry and i dont want you to get hurt but if he is angry challenge him and see what he dose. when im anger my girl friend challenges me she says. well **** you if you think you have had a bad day then your one in a billion so get the **** over it.!!! it works every time. if your husband ever lifts a fist to you my friend then leave him for good dont ever go back i have herd to many stories like this and girls stay with there abusive husbands because thay are sceard. dont put up with it if you challenge him and he does not like it then he is not worth it he should love you and in respect listen to what you have to say good luck and dont hang around if he tries to hit you. take care

Sounds as if he has anger control issues, and maybe a personality disorder or two.

I'd say it's abusive if it does indeed injure you emotionally, and if it has significant impact on your ability to function, both individually and as a couple.

He needs to see a physician to see if there are any physical or mental issues that should be addressed.

He definitely has anger issues and you should be very careful. Does it help at all when you agree with him or validate his feelings, about the cat for instance? Does he ever offer constructive ways of dealing with the things that anger him or set him off? Or does he just rant about them?
If he has not yet been threatening or demeaning it may be only a matter of time before he is.
If you feel you have to walk on egg shells for days at a time because he is in one of his moods, that is extremely unhealthy for you and the children. Sometimes people behave that way in an effort to get someone else to start a fight with them so they have an excuse to vent their anger without feeling as if they are to blame for their actions because somone else "started it."
He can't change just by trying. He has to get professional help. Anger management classes or stress relief seminars or maybe just join a gym so he has a place to go after work to burn off the emotion before coming home.
I lived with much worse and I do not envy you your position. You need some professional advice too. There are 800 numbers and places to go to get pamphlets that may help you sort this out. One place to get the pamplets is your county courthouse.
Please get help.

He's not being emotionally abusive to just you. It sounds like he is emotionally abusive to the world around him. This is a scary situation because it makes you feel afraid to make the wrong move. There is a part of you that almost wishes he would hit you so you have the bruises to prove what he is doing.
It sounds like your husband needs help dealing with his emotions and recognizing how to feel sadness, hurt, grief, betrayal, etc... He isn't letting himself feel weak so he just jumps to anger as a way to mask how he feels. This isn't healthy and infact your husband is a time bomb ready to blow. He needs something much more drastic then you just being there for him. He needs you to leave until he can get help. That way you are safe and he is forced to deal with his emotions.
I am really worried for you. The fact that you feel and know it is abuse tells me that you recognize it isn't healthy. Now you have to do the hard part and find the courage to get out of this potentially harmful situation. That doesn't mean your marriage has to end in divorce, it just mens you both need some time a part while your husband finds a more productive way to deal with things.

i think the combination of your personality types does not work out well - he expects you to be tolerant of his dramatic mood swings, but he is not trying to accomodate your anxiety disorder - i think the two of you shold try to see a counselor.


sometimes everyone has a bad day - but it sounds from your post that these bad days happen with great frequency and last for several days - i feel that life is too short to live with the constant worry that tomorrow will be another bad day or that an entire week will be gone due to thse mood swings. i would thiink living this way would be exhausting - but i have a very low tolerance for shouting and disorder (i grew up iwth it and promised myself i would not have it bve a constant part of my life).
there are some people here who will say that he just needs love and support, but if you are GIVING him love and support and everythhign you say is still wrong, then i think he is using you to have someone to beat up on him when the :"world is unfair" to him.

Yes. He sounds like he has anger management issues and gets frustrated. In all likelyhood it's a fundamental part of his personality at this point. People don't change fundamental aspects of their personality without a brain injury. Until he learns anger coping skills to channel that basic tendency, it will probably escalate until either he hurts himself or somebody else. Therapy could definitely help, but I suspect that suggesting this will put him in a mood and make him angry at you. So your best bet is to either just take it until it gets out of hand or leave him now.

Sounds like he is the one that needs couseling, Let me guess he doesnt think so and will not go which is a typical thing for men. They also have medication for this type of behavior and if you can get him to the doctor and explain the situation they can get it taken care of. Sometimes our mind cannot determine what is right or wrong in a situation like this and if there is a medicine to help with this why would you not take it. Good luck

Actually it sounds like he's not even trying to change. Now hearing swearing a lot is common especially for men. My Dad swears in a daily conversations. That's just him. Now when he is in "Bad moods" he should have a reason to be hitting thing around the house. If not that is abuse. When a person uses physical action on anything that isn't meant to be punched on or hit on, that is abuse. I wouldn't say he is emotionally abusive but he is abusive when he takes action in his Bad moods. You need to lay down the law and tell him that enough is enough. If nothing happens I would be doing things to make him better.

think about how he would treat the kids one day...

this is a man you have to walk on egg shells around, and that's not good...

I hope you don't have kids yet, if you plan to, watch out for those 3 am feedings, he is going to get mighty pissed if he hears that baby cry at 3 am... this man needs serious help!!!

yeh, i have the same problem with my dad, my brothers, my bf... except they are worse because they call me names and make it personal.

there is nothing i can do now except move out and escape it... we got a new puppy and it ate my dads sandwich so he picked up the sofa and threw it across the room once...

but i CAN do something about my bf. ive told him that we have no future, no marriage or kids, intill he calms down.
i dont want them being brought up into a world that i was.

x

perhaps he didnt have a good day at work or something is bothering him at work and when he gets home he takes it out on anything even the cat..thats why he doesnt hurt anyone cause he dont means to -i think his problem is in the job,something must be bothering him and he cant do or say anything so goes home and let it out..i curse all the time when something is bothering me or i get in a pist of mood but i really dont mean too...and i do it in private cause i dont want to offend anybody..

No, it isn't abuse and people that think it is are doing a great disservice to those that suffer REAL physical, mental & emotional abuse. What is is however is not fun to be around and isn't really healthy for the relationship. Chances are it is stress related and he doesn't know how to channel his frustration in a meaningful fashion. It can be work related, marriage related or something to do with friends / family.