Will you marry to a single father? Do you believe this marriage can survive?

I am involved with a single father. He and the bio mother is sharing custody of the child. I am 26 years old, he is 39, the kid is 7 years old. Obviously, the bio mother is still in the picture, and she's a pretty vindictive, manipulative, evil person. (I am not going into details here).
My boyfriend loves me to death, and I have doubts about that. I am not trying to be the kid's mommy because she already has a mommy. I avoid the child as much as I could, because I HATE confrontations. Recently, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, I haven't said yes yet because I am not very sure if this relationship can work. There is always so much drama in the bio mother's life. My boyfriend tries to handle the dramas as much as he could, but the dramas always interfere with our normal daily life. there are incidences that she called in the middle of the night because she was so drunk, or she needed somebody to take her to the emergency room because she couldn't stop vomiting. (7 emergency room v

(7 emergency room visit in the past month) She asked to borrow $5,000 to pay for her gambling debt. etc.
I know the bio mother is always going to be in the picture, and I am not sure if I can deal with it. I mean it looks like we always have to tell the child her bio mother is the greatest, she loves her with all her heart. I am so sick and tired of telling lies to the little girl just because "we cannot hurt her feelings."
Do you think our relationship can survive all these dramas? Sharing similar experiences will be the best. Thank you very much for your time.

Props to you for sticking it out this long. Though he cannot control his EX's behavior, I understand that it must be hard to cope with and he needs to stay firm and keep a healthy distance. Her calling at all hours of the night is unacceptable - unless it involves the welfare of his child.

It sounds like he needs to file for sole custody of this child is "Mommy" is getting so wasted that she ends up in the ER. No child needs to grow up witnessing this.

This will be a lifetime committment so, you need to think hard about it and weigh it out.

Good luck.

No, I personally would not, You will always be #3 --

#1 - Child
#2 - Ex
#3 - You

Some people aren't bothered by that, but I would be. If you were truly going to be #2 (You can never be #1) then there would be NO DRAMA and NO CONFRONTATIONS with the ex. Your boyfriend would not let it happen. If she called about any reason other than the child he would immediately hang up on her.

i think you and the bf need to see a family counsellor before making a decision about marriage -and so does the mother and child and father. iwould not want to deal with the drama or have to lie to the child - but you have to agree on parenting - because you WILL be a parent.

I am married to a man that has a child, but greatfully we do not have experiences like this. I would NOT allow my husband to give his ex wife money for her debt, I wouldn't allow him to give her anything except child support! The child's mother and I have only met a few times, we were civil with each other. I would not bite my tongue if I were you.

Sounds like you don't like anything there at all.I feel sorry for the child if he gets mixed up with you on top of everything you sure do Hate allot let that man find a nice women one that will stand by him and his child and it's NOT YOU! Oh by the way you don't even make a good baby sitter for THat KID! as you say!

Hmm. Im kinda in the same situation. It doesnt matter how much love he has for me, somehow, his stupid ex ruins it. Even if he is such a great guy, her being such a loser, ruins it. Cuz, he does things, supposely for his daughter, but its always to help her out. And when the ex is a loser like that, its hard for them to stop doing all the dumb poop they do, cuz thats just them...

Like you just said "Love is not enough". You have doubts now. Don't get further entangled in this situation. This will be constant drama with a capital D. You seem very wise...use your head. Sometimes we have to ignore the heart and let the head rule.

Read your question over, and pretend someone else wrote it.
What would you tell THEM?
I think you already know your answer--if you cannot commit 100% to this man AND his child, you need to set them free to find someone who can.

well without the rest you said you avoid the kid. that alone is not fair to the kid. so no its not going to work. if your apart of dads life your apart of the kids, there cant be any lines drawn

I don't think the marriage would work. There would always be jealousy, and resentment on your part.

It can survive, but it depends entirely on the two people involved. Of course, you don't want for your marriage to just "survive" - you want it to thrive, and only you can determine if you can have a thriving marriage in such conditions. Being a step-parent is not for everyone - it takes a special kind of patience and determination. My personal decision was never to get involved with a guy who is already a parent; I don't think I'm cut out to be a step-parent, and I didn't want to waste my time trying. There are plenty of available guys out there without this kind of baggage. It's perfectly fine to decide that walking into all this drama is simply not for you.

Talk to him about your problems. Tell him that since his ex is in troubles, taht he shouldn't help her only becasue she will come back and back and pretty much use him and ruin both your lives. I don't understand why he would go to the hospital because the women is a drunk and just wants to use him again for his money. I would raise a question whether he can give up and move on from his ex and stop helping her when nothing is working. Don't play the guilt trip like "do this or i;ll leave" because it never works out for the best.

Sit down and talk to him about your feelings.

i went through the same thing nearly 20 years ago. married a single father, daughter was 9 and her mother was a nut-bag! i was 23 and he was 27. it was extremely hard but we made it through, love endures!
step back and ask your self the martial vows .........for better and for worse. if you love him enough, i say go for it.
by the way that little girl is almost 29 now and has blessed us with a beautiful grandson.
good luck what ever you decide

I married a single father, but it's not as chaotic as your situation. I have no to very little contact with bio mother and my husband does not have a speaking relationship with her. He drops his kid off for visits and that's it. They don't talk on the phone. Maybe an occasional email regarding school or doctors appointments. But that's it. When she is with the kid she talk bad about us, but nothing that we can't handle. Your situation is only going to get worse once you marry this guy. He obviously plans on maintaining his relationship with his ex and she will continue to make your life miserable. She must respect you as the lady of the house and you need to demand that respect. If you marry this man you MUST have an active role in his kid's life. You will be the day to day mommy (just like I am). You cannot avoid it. It will be your job. Just like me, you will have to do clothes shopping (the ex will complain about your choice of clothes), cooking (the ex will complain the the child eats either too much or little), get the child ready for bed (the ex will complain that the child goes to bed too late), help with homework (your not putting enough effort into the childs studies). And if the situation gets really hairy she may file for a modification of custody (which happened to us - but the ex lost) All of this WILL happen. Once you marry, the fun dating stuff is gone. Be prepared. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that it won't work. The love my husband and I have for each other got us through the hard times. And I have grown to love my stepchild with all of my heart. And the ex is very well aware of that too and is jealous about my relationship with her child. Good luck to you. It will be a bumpy road, but if you love your man, it will be worth it. It just won't be peaches and cream.

Wow, that's an unfortunate situation. My sister-in-law is in this very situation. She and her now husband had a lot of issues with his son's biological mother at first, and it's been 6 years and she still has problems.
She said she had to let things roll off of her back. She loves her husband unconditionally, she knows that he was the one for her, so she wouldn't let a psycho baby-momma get in the way of her happy ending. You have to grow a backbone (her words, not mine) and not let it bother you, or let her know that you are going to be in the child's life as well, you are NOT trying to be the mother, but you love this man and she will not turn you away with her little schemes and drama.

Honestly, to me it sounds like the relationship won't work, in part because...well...it sounds like you don't want it to. You cannot just have the guy and not accept his daughter. The fact that you avoid the daughter is a MAJOR red flag to me, and the fact that some loopy ex of his who happens to be the mother of his child is getting in the way of your relationship.

I'm not saying that you don't love the guy enough, but if you can't deal with his ex and his daughter, then maybe you should find a new relationship? You could always tell him that you need more time, make sure he knows that his ex is really a problem for you. However, he also needs to distance himself from this lady. Does she rely on him quite a bit? That could be a dangerous thing...if he's still not interested in her or maintaining anything but a civil relationship with her (for the sake of the child) then he needs to make sure she only contacts him when it concerns the child. No more 'bail me out of trouble' calls, no more of that.

It could work but your man needs to stop being so involved with his ex. Let her find her own way to the er and pay her own debt. They aren't married anymore and that's it. The only dealings with her should be when he needs to get his child. He owes her nothing and he needs to realize that. Talk to him, and let him know how you feel. As a father, he can take full custody of his child cause her mother sounds like an unfit mother. Hell, there are 7 hospital records to prove it. You love him and so help him see what is best for his child . GOOD-LUCK!

I think there are two different issues here. The issue that I find most alarming is the one where your boyfriend is still taking care of his ex that much. That shouldn't happen. She is not his wife anymore, she is not his girlfriend, she should not feel like she can call him when she is having problems. It is not his concern. The fact that she feels like she can is a HUGE problem. As for lying to the little girl, I can't see any instances where I would need to tell my stepson that his mother is a cheating whore who broke up their family, screwed my husband when they were dividing things up, lied through her teeth about everything, and since then has done so many more things. Eventually he will find out what kind of a woman she is, or she will change. Either way I can't see why he would need to hear any of that from me. But I also don't praise her in any way shape or form because that's not what she is. I find no reason to ever talk about her actually. If the child is in danger your husband should be taking this back to court and getting full custody of the little girl. So anyway, my advice would be to talk to your boyfriend and make it clear that you don't feel like you can marry him because he is too involved in his ex's life. You aren't going to let your (his and yours) money go to her when you two get married. You're not going to sit at home while he goes to the emergency room with her, nor are you going to accompany him to the emergency room. If he has any idea of doing these things (which he obviously does because he has done them) again, then you feel you cannot marry him. I told my hubby just exactly that and within a month it was completely different, her life was still as dramatic (she got on the phone one night and got hysterical calling me names because he had told her that her personal life had nothing to do with him) but it didn't effect us anymore because she knew that my hubby wouldn't talk to her about it at all.

You are such a selfish B word to ignore this poor child. Do yourself and this young father a favor and leave him. Let him meet a mature real woman who will love the child too. You are still a child and he will only resent you in the future when he realizes how stupid he was to end up with another child instead of a woman. If what you are saying is true about the bio mom he may have custody soon and sugar daddy wont have enough for you to shop and do your nails

Well, you said it best when you said "...I am not sure I can deal with it..." If you don't think you can, then by all means, don't marry this fella. I married a man with a son (13years old now) and the boy's mother isn't quite the person you describe here, but bad enough. We had custody of the boy for 3years until she got lonely after she broke up with her boyfriend and persuaded my step-son to come back and live with her....blah blah blah. YOu know the drill. Keep in mind that your boyfriend (or husband, if you choose) will more than likely take the mother's side before yours in all confrontations. Mine said he did it "to keep from rocking the boat"...call it what you want, I call it grow some kahoonas! (not sure of spelling). I have cried, and spent many hours wondering if I made the right choice. 80% of the time I decide that I didn't. Please don't make the same mistake I did. Think long and hard about it and if he doesn't stand up to her now, chances are he never will.
Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but you said you wanted voices of experience. Good luck to you.

well ill tell you one thing, this relationship wont work the way it is right now. it'll only work when your fiance grows some balls and sets boundaries with his ex! NO WONDER you are having doubts. Yes , bio mom will always be there, but clearly your bf hasnt set boundaries because she feels its ok to call him wasted , get him to driver her places, ask for money.

my fiances ex would NEVER do these things (shes not crazy but she does cross her boundaries at times)- my fiance has set his boundaries. the only time they talk is when its about my stepdaughter. they dont even talk when he calls his daughter anymore...she used to go on and on with him for hours and i would be sitting here with dinner cold and i said WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? and he put an end to it, he was trying to be overly nice for the sake of his child but its not necessary...no one can take your parental rights away...so theres no need to kiss ***....just be amicable.

your right, it'll be hard...very hard...and if your fiance chooses to continue things the way they are, he will NEVER have any woman marry him..ever. being a stepmom is probably the worst trouble i could have gotten myself into ...but if you love your bf that much, and you want HIM for the rest of your life...and he keeps defending you and making you his priority (marriage and wife first, all children at a close second) and sets his boundaries like he's suppose to and is a good disciplinarian and parent- you will be content. Just because you marry someone without children doesnt mean you'll have a better or longer marrieage with that person than if you marry someone with so much baggage like your BF.

if you have any concerns or questions or want to talk just message me- i know what your going thru!

goodluck