Mom trapped in the middle; how can I convince my son to take responsibility for his past mistakes?

A young man showed up at our home and said he is just learning from his mom who is dying (and 25 years later) that my son is his father .......? To be fair and honest he is a carbon copy of my son- "just on observation". Of course he was upset but said he wanted nothing more than the opportunity to talk with my son. I did what I thought to be the right thing to do as his mother and possibly the grandmother of this young man.....I called my son.! It didn"t go well and I know I have taught him better. He doesn"t want to accept any responsibility for having sex with that girl as a youth but I can remember them dating when in high school. My request that he at least talk to the them was denied;he will not agree to a DNA and says he dosen"t want to know ...??. He is married with 3 children and lives out of state. He and his wife are now angry with me and my husband; said we should mind our business??? Do you think we handled this as parents should;this young man is a human being(our's??)

It is not your place to convince your son one way or the other. He's an adult and needs to make his own decision on this even though i totally agree with your views.. Is hard as it is for you to accept. As he said mind your own business...

Yes you did the right thing.

Your son and his wife need to grow up. He should have the DNA test, then at least you would all have closure.

The poor boys mother is dying, if your son is his dad, then he should be available for him.

First thing's first. You need to do a DNA test on him before blaming your son. If your son is not willing to cooporate, you can get the DNA test done through you. If he really is your grandson, I am sure you will give him the respect and love that he would deserve from you. But then you should talk it out with your son as well, about accepting his mistake and responsibility. Rest is all up on what legal actions that boy can take towards his father. But if he doesn't come up positive on the DNA test....you can sue his ***!

I must be a cynic: I would find this young man's story just a little suspect. The sob story about the dying mother got him past your front door, when really he's a complete stranger. Maybe he is your long-lost grandson, maybe not. Why not leave well enough alone....?

(Is it just possible you have a nice house, nice cars in the garage, look prosperous.....?? If you really can't let it go, get a private investigator to look into the story. You could even have a DNA test yourself, since he should share a certain number of alleles with you if you're his gran. )

as a parent, i could say you handled it right. but then, the problem lies to your son and his wife. maybe they were shocked to know, especially your son, that he had a son out of wedlock. so give them the space and maybe the best thing is to have the boy undergo DNA test, by using your own specimen and his. then try to get to really know how he became your grandson by talking to his mother. if you really remember them dating during their high school and if he is really a carbon-copy of your son, then it is a point to consider; the boy is not really a stranger after all. if facts come into surface then, give the boy the chance to be part of the family. but don't force your son and his own family to accept him. as a grandparent, do your part. maybe in the future, your son will finally accept the boy and help you with what you have started. keep on, you are doing something great in the boy's life!

Yes, of course you have done the right thing...don't feel bad, your son and his wife sound like they are very immature (at least as far as the way they have handled this news is concerned). But I would urge you to love and support your newly found grandson, he needs you and your husband to be by his side if his mother is dying. Of course you have taught your son better than this, the responsibility for the decision to have nothing to do with his son is his, and his alone. God bless you!

you did the right thing...dont blame yourself at all..maybe your son needs time to get all his thought together..maybe his wife is putting thoughts in his head..as you said you remember them dating...its not like your just throwing this at him you remember this girl...the least he can do for this poor boy is take a test...does he have no heart this young mans mom his dieing....have you checked if there is any way you can somehow have a DNA test done through you...im sure there is i remember watching a show where they were able to prove this little boy was a mans son who had died...they used his parents and siblings to figure it out...see if they can work something out with you talk to your primary doctor...as for minding your own business if he is your grandson it is your business...take any measure you need to get your questions answered this isn't something that can just be put in the back of your mind..your going to want answers just as that boy must want

I think you did the right thing. My step dad actually met his son not too long ago. He told me that he had sex with his girlfriend when they were young, and his girlfriend got pregnant and put the kid up for adoption since they were too young. His son suddenly contacted him, and as awkward as things were, they did meet. He told me that it was strange because his son resembles him, but the bond wasn't really there. I'm actually not directly related to my dad, but since we grew up together we felt more like a family. He said he was glad he went and met up with him. If he is related to your family, I would at least offer my support for the young man. You are a sweet grandmother. Maybe your son doesn't realize that he should at least talk to the young man yet, but as a grandmother, just do the best you can do. At least that boy has a wonderful grandmother.