Should I Leave my Cheating Wife?

I have been married for 20 years. I am in love but 3 years ago my wife told me we were over and there was no hope as she was not ever willing to open up to me again, this after she gave me an ultimatum that I need to change the way I picked on the kids to get things done and was so picky about the house as I am kind of a neat freak who does not really like to sit still. Both of these issues were major ones for her and about 4 months after the conversation she told me we were over and that we should stay married until the kids are older and our cash flow is better.
For 3 years I have tried but she has put up a wall and will not accept anything from me because she says that she does not want to get hurt again. She told me that life is too short and I should find somone else but I told her I only want her and that I love her. She told me not to worry that she was going to find someone because she is not interested in sex being with anyone else.
Over the past year I could feel that somthing was different, like maybe she was seeing somone else, we were intimit once in a very long while and she seemed to enjoy however other times she literally pushed me away. This past Saturday I snuggled up to her in bed and she actually jumped out of bed, out the door and drove away in her car at 1am, she came back at 6am.
Monday morning after she left for work, I started a little bit of detective work on her computer to see if I could find anything that would give me an answer. I found a chat log with her, her sister and her lover a married man that she works with chatting in intimate detail about the great times they have and how he was looking forward to being with her in two days (Valentines Day) and my wife saying that she was going to tell me she was going to her friends house after work. I printed the entire chat log and went to work in just one hec of a state.
Later in the day I questioned where she really was on Saturday night, she insists that she slept in her car and I believ her because really who is she going to call at 1am? When she arrived home from work she was extremely agitated and told me to come with her to renew her license because "I obviously did not trust her and should follow her where ever she goes" when we got into the car I told her I had good reason not to trust her and asked her if she enjoyed her Valentines Day with her lover. She said nothing the entire trip to the mall however I could see that the wheels were turning and once we were back to the car and driving home she denied and told me that I don't have any proof.
When we got home I handed her the chat log. At first she said nothing and admitted to nothing , then she said "well, we were over 3 years ago". Then she starts crying and gets appologetic saying she did'nt mean to hurt me and that she would end it. Then she asks me if I am going to disclose this to her lovers wife whom by the way, also works at the same company as my wife and her lover. I said no and that I forgive her and still love her and that I only want a chancee to fix our relationship but she will need to put down her walls, she was unable to commit either way. I asked her why she did it and she told me that it was because he had kind words for her and that it was not planned. She admitted that she would not accept anything from e because she had built up a wall.
I feel completely ripped apart. My wife who, had great issue showing any affection towards me for many years now, went outside our marraige for a year having sex, somthing she insisted for years that she disliked and chatted with her lover and my sister in-law about how great it was with him.
I have all these questions rolling through my mind...
1) If I did'nt find actual proof, she would still be denying the affair was happening and continue?
2) Is she sorry because I found out or because she cares for me?
3) Is she appologetic because she is afraid I will spill the beans to her lover's spouse?
4) Will she actually end the affair?

I cannot stand feeling the way I do now, the more I process this, the more stuff I do not want to imagine runs through my mind. I have never ever felt so distraught.
I want to suggest councelling for my wife, if not I will certainly need it because I can not deal with this on my own.

Thankyou Everyone for your opinions and suggestions. I would just like to add that through the past 3 years I have never ever fooled around on her. I really thought I knew her well but I guess I did'nt or perhaps I was in denial or I would have played detective earlier. I really don't know what to do, I love her so deeply yet my heart is ripped apart over this. You know, I never stopped sending her flowers on special occasions and this year on our anniversary I think she actually threw the unopened card that I gave to her in the garbage. I felt like crap then and I fell like crap now but I suppose the only difference i sthat now I have her attention and perhaps there is a tiny amount of hope. It is easy to say just be a man and move on but it is not an easy thing to do especially with children involved.

She has commited the ultimate trust breaker, and somehow has managed to place that burden on you...Not good. Right now she should be bending over backwards trying to suggest all the things possible ways to fix this mess the best she can. Instead, its as if she wants it all just swept away and hidden. Not good. She is dishonest, and a cheater. You deserve better than that. You deserve a spouse that is devoted to you in EVERY way. And you deserve some inner peace. I wish you the strength to see that you are worth the effort it takes. I wish you well. Take care.

leave her ***!!

damn! dude i am so sorry,went thru nearly same thing,,,ok this is what i would do today, get her alone,slap her on top of the head,tell her to pack her $hi7 get the hell out. you will never get this out of your mind,it'll always be there,trust violated is trust destroyed,you can not stayed married w/out trust,it'run you nuts,,,as for the other man,go to his house,give his wife the chat log in front of him,tell them you have a std,ask him if his home owners insurance covers law suits for allienation of affection,file the suit,,,go to church,,it'll get better,,,takes time but it'll get better,,,promise

she had the nerve to tell you to stayb married to her until the kids get older while she sleeps around and YOU remain a prisoner in this marriage? shes only manipulating and using her and you are allowing, and you dont even know it.

the kids are not that fragile, they will just have to live with the divorce. she does car about you, if she did, she would disrespect you and the kids and go out and have flings. you dont deserve that. you really dont. you should have left her when she first cheated. if i were you, i would get out as soon as possible and speak with some lawyers

I think that you should stay for a little bit. After all, you have given her so much of your life already.

If in the end, you find that you cannot salvage the marriage from what is left, then you should man up and leave. Maybe you will find that the next part of your life is even better without her.

You suffer and she's happy sleeping around with another?? How is that caring about you? You would never do that to her.. Once you cheat you cheat again... do something for yourself... Leave her for your sake... Someone better is out there for you... Someone who would die if they even thought about another man...

If you ever need to talk...

Alene.Gabbert@Yahoo.com


Good luck and be strong.

Seems to me you have already wasted 3 yrs. Why waste more. She hasn't made any effort but has the effort for an affair. It will be tough leaving but you will get over it and meet someone else who truly loves you and wouldn't dream of treating you this way.

WOW!! Yes, she would have denied it! I have found so many things, I shoved it in his face and he still said no. The lover's wife SHOULD know. The other woman begged me not to tell her husband, I told her that she should have never slept with my man and payback is a b*tch. She is sorry ONLY because she got caught. I asked my husband, when making your way to the back seat of the truck to have sex with another woman, did I for one second cross your mind?? Of course he said, well that's when you should have left. I feel if the bridge isn't burned, there is always a chance to go back to the lover. I used to get mad at the other woman, even if she knew that we were married and had kids, but ultimately, it was his fault, he is to blame. She to me is just scum. The lover's wife should know, see how your wife reacts when you tell her that you are calling the wife, if she says so what then ok, if she has a fit then you will have your answer. Let me know and I wish you all the luck

Sometimes.....things just don't work out. NOTHING LASTS FOREVER, no marriage does and yours is not the exception. But instead of being separated by the incorporeal world of death, you're being interpolated by her infidelity.

She's a fake, a liar, and a coward. I know because I cheated on and off for 7 years of my past relationship. Of course getting caught sucks. You realize the devastating effects of your deceit. I have no doubt she is sorry. But you have to take what self-respect you have left, man up, and send her packing. If not she'll see you as a pathetic wimp who can't even leave a two-timing wife, and she'll be in another bed before you know it.

Wisdom is knowing when it's time to move on. It's also realizing everything doesn't always end the way you planned or last as long as you expected.

You deserve better, and you'll get it. But first show some courage in the face of adversity and move on. Let her go.

Good luck.

This is terrible. just terrible. u may need sometime apart so that she can realize whether she is bringing down the walls b-c she realizes her mistake or b-c she was caught. if it is b-c she was caught then it will not last for long. the marriage will soon be cold and she will have eyes for others and sex will be horrible b-c she won't have passion. so if u guys are apart for a while and she still wants to be with u then u will not question if she was being apologetic just because she was caught. She and you will know that she is truly sorry for her actions.

If you don't want to do that (and maybe regardless) couples counseling sounds like a good idea.

Be strong!

How horrible. I don't know how you have tollerated this emotional abuse from your wife for so long. You are living a stressfull life with someone that has no respect for you and does not even seem to value you as a person. You could be as miserable without her in your life but if you were gone you would at least heal and have your dignity intact. Trust me I know how you feel because the same thing happened to me after 25 years of marriage. I finally left after 3 kids were on their own and took our 11 year old son with me. It was the best thing I ever done for myself because now I am remarried to a wonderful man 12 years now and life couldn't be any better. Sometimes you have to go through all of the bad to get to the good and you will once you really take a good look at your wife and realize that this is as good as it gets with her. Nothing that ever went on in your marriage gave her the right to cheat on you and treat you like you were less than a person. She sounds like she is only wanting to change things now to protect herself from the guys wife finding out and having to deal with this outcome at work. Even if she ends this affair she is only doing it because she got caught and does not want to deal with everyone's reaction to it and take responsibility for messing up everyones life for her bad choices. It takes a devious personality to stab people in the back and still come home to you and face this mans wife everyday with her dirty little secret. I am sorry but your wife has some severe issues with her morals and it doesn't say to much about her character when she doesn't seem to care about how she treats other's. She broke your heart and your trust and nothing in your world with her will ever feel the same. Right now you should seek counseling and maybe while doing it take some space away from this situation to truly find yourself. Twenty years is long enough to be lost inside someone and forget who you really are and only stay with someone to make the best out of a bad situation over so much damage.

1) If I did'nt find actual proof, she would still be denying the affair was happening and continue?
Yes, people only admit their faults when there is proof, otherwise it's "all in your head"

2) Is she sorry because I found out or because she cares for me?
She's probably sorry for both.

3) Is she appologetic because she is afraid I will spill the beans to her lover's spouse?
Yes, she is afraid. There are a million things you could do with this information. I would use it as leverage to make her find a new job. She doesn't need to work with some guy she cheated on you with.
4) Will she actually end the affair?
Maybe, maybe not. The manager where I used to work had a wife and a very young baby. We saw his co-worker from another facility feeling him up in a Wendy's parking lot. I wish she would find another job, that way she's not seeing the guy every day. No matter what, there will be doubt and mistrust as long as they work at the same place.

I would set up some rules, I think it's obvious she cares about the guy. I think you two actually love and care about each other and can work this out. I hope nothing but the best for you. You will have to rebuild the trust and rebuild the relationship, if that is what you both want. I wish you the best and good luck, I know this is a really hard time for you now.

Wow Im sorry for you, what a tough call.
You know the old saying "love is blind" well my friend you have been too. You sound like a great guy that deserves alot more then that! A relationship is supposed to be your solace, your safe spot away from the rest of the world, not the ultamate cause of your troubles.
Id say leave her how much is there that you don't know?
Good luck to you ither way though!

Yes, laeve her. It seems to me the fault lies with you, but thatisn't important here: there's no way you two can you back to being a married couple - leave.

the councelling you are suggesting is right,because if you decide to devorce her,you have giving her a great chance,and you are not a complet man,because you let whot you treasure slip away from you not just you but to another,what a shame all you have to do is call her to other talk sence into her,make her remmember the day she swear i doin the presence of God,because if you let her go, the person you later get married to may be a human but inwardly reval a wolf that will matrite your kids.

I don't know bro. I can imagine how you'd feel. You love her to death, but she has broken the bond you guys had. Here's my opinion:

1. Get counceling no matter what you decide, try to get her to come, you will both be better people because of it.

2. Even though it hurts you, what do you expect her to do after years of closing herself up? Everyone needs passion and love in there life.

3. Yeah she made a mistake, but its been 20 years, and you can both move on with your lives with counceling and start rebuilding that trust.

4. Even though she has cheated on you, that doesn't give you the right to do the same or be shitty to her, that won't fix anything.....just in case you're having any of those thoughts.

5. The ultimate decision is on you, so if I were you, try to imagine she hadn't done anything, is this the woman you want to continue to spend the rest of your life with? If you say yes then some counceling will help you get over the cheating part.

I'm sorry this happened to you bro, I wouldn't want to live if my wife did this to me, so good on you coming here and venting/asking for advice. Keep it up and try not to be too down! You have the rest of your life ahead of you either with or without her!!!