Please proofread this - How can make this impressive to employers?

I am writing to apply for the office clerk position. I believe I would be a strong candidate to fill this position and all the challenges it may hold.
I am a graduate from the Office Administrative 鈥?Executive program at St. Clair College. I鈥檝e completed an internship at Information Windsor, where I was responsible in assisting with creating and updating the Blue Book, as well as maintaining and updating inventory and databases, data entry input, forwarding and receiving telephone calls and providing administrative support for the office staff. During the internship, I was able to apply my administrative skills, and now I would like to put them to work for your business. I have gained valuable experience working as an office assistant and by performing on a team. I am familiar around office equipment and the work environment. I also command computer proficiency in MS Word, Access, Excel, PowerPoint, and CorelDraw. I am great at problem-solving, working well with others in a team setting, and I communicate ideas effectively. I am a self-starter, and capable of working on my own. With my background and my desire to learn new skills, I will be a valuable asset to your company.

Too many "I"s

You have such a good set of experience that you might think about a bulleted layout for easier reading.

"...where I was responsible in assisting with..."
Should be: "...where i was responsible for assisting with..."


"During the internship, I was able to apply my administrative skills, and now I would like to put them to work for your business"

take out the first comma


" I am familiar around office equipment and the work environment"
should be: I am familiar with office equipment and the work environment"

Most important thing is to do a little research on the company. Then give 1 or 2 specific examples of how skills you have will match what they are looking for. Also, shorten it.

Sounds a lot better than what I have been writing for Office clerk positions... just curious...how long did you go to St. Clair College for Office administration

it sounds pretty nice =) polite, effective, hard-working and interested in learning

I'd hire you pronto!

Sounds nice

I would be a strong candidate to fill this position and all the challenges it may hold.
You don't fill challenges.
I鈥檝e ALSO completed an internship at Information Windsor, where I was responsible FOR assisting with DELETED the Blue Book,
I have gained valuable experience working as an office assistant and by performing as part of a team.
I am familiar WITH office equipment and the work environment. I am also DELETE proficient in MS Word, Access, Excel, PowerPoint, and CorelDraw. I am great at problem-solving, working well with others in a team setting, and I communicate ideas effectively. I am a self-starter, and capable of working independently.
With my background and my desire to learn new skills, I HOPE TO be a valuable asset to your company.