What do you think of it?
Any tips?
Am I over doing it?
Is it to repetitive?
Is it boring?
Does it want you to find out more?
Chapter 1
I guess you can call this a mere intrusion of my thoughts. You reading my every move, thought, dissecting every element of my choices and plans makes me feel a bit insecure. I鈥檝e always found it relieving, almost comforting, that we could sustain and keep private, our thoughts. Because we can all admit, if we ever publicized what we were really thinking, we would all sound like selfish fools. I think I can stand by my generalization or accusation, if you will, that everyone is indeed selfish fools. As I鈥檝e been divulging all my thoughts to you, I鈥檝e realized a very disturbing thought. No matter what we do, we are all going to die. And here comes the obvious question that comes to mind, if we all know of our fatal journey, what鈥檚 the purpose of life? Or maybe that wasn鈥檛 the first thing that came to your mind, but it was for me, and since it was in your hands to intrude in my life, it would be best to try and get on the same page as me, seeing you have no other choice now. Anyways, I hate to pose a question like this because people have heated debates on this controversial topic pulling in all aspects of religion, which I can confidently say, never turns out too civil. But as I am the one to introduce this question, I must answer. I believe that there is no way to know. There鈥檚 no need for me to elaborate on this answer, for I have no reason, I simply have accepted it. This is probably the reason why I don鈥檛 fear death. Because I mean, what is there to fear? When you鈥檙e dead, it鈥檚 the end of it. Okay, enough of this, It鈥檚 already 3:47 and I have school in about 4 hours. What a swell world this would be if we can just find a way to click our minds off so our bodies wouldn鈥檛 be distracted by our incessant minds. Sometimes I feel crazy, talking to myself like this. Well I guess I鈥檓 not really talking to myself, anymore.
Chapter 2
Why would mom ever insist on getting such a loud alarm clock?
I grab my alarm clock and with all the morning energy I have left in me, and throw it across my room hearing all the batteries spill out of it. This is what I do everyday, it was almost turning into a ritual. I think subconsciously I was hoping that it would break. I lay on my bed for a few more seconds so I can mentally prepare myself for this dreadful day to begin.
Okay. If I don鈥檛 get up now, I never will.
I open up my eyes to the dangling, tangled up dream catcher. The bright sun shine burning through my windows stung my eyes. I lift my blanket off of me and get myself up. I reach for the dream catcher and untangle the red beads and excessive light blue strings so I can look forward to another dreamless night. I get up and smooth out the numerous crinkles in my bed sheets and perfectly lay my blanket on top.
I really need to go out and buy new blankets. I鈥檓 too old for these. But then again, why waste my money and time to buy new blankets and sheets?
I fall back onto my bed, messing up the flawless and crinkle free sheets. I lay there for a few minutes, again trying to mentally prepare myself for this day to begin.
Just two more days and it鈥檒l be the weekend. Just two more days. Just get through today and Friday.
Finally after trying to get myself to enjoy the day, I dreadfully get back up. I lazily, with half opened eyes, head to the bathroom downstairs. I walk down the stairs mindlessly as a zombie and find my way into the bathroom. I grab my yellow toothbrush and prepare myself for a shower. I turn on the hot water, not even bothering with the cold, and wait for the hot water to get to the right temperature. I take off my clothes and get into the shower. I鈥檓 startled by the hot water but gradually begin to get used to it. It starts to become a bit relaxing. I grab my toothbrush and start brushing my teeth.
I wonder if people brush their teeth in the shower too. I mean why wouldn鈥檛 they? It鈥檚 practical and saves time. But you never really hear about people doing it. Okay. Today I need to turn in my English essay and remember to return that library book. Wait, did I put that book in my backpack? ****. I think it鈥檚 in my locker. Oh well. Okay, maybe I should finish A Perfect Union or just start on reading my John Grisham marathon of books. Mom better have left me some money for dinner because Warren probably forgot鈥?
I realize already 15 minutes passed, so I quickly jumped out of the shower and get into a towel.
Did I even wash my hair? ****, I have no idea.
I鈥檓 always in a dream like state when I鈥檓 showering. It鈥檚 like my arms move individually from my mind. I run upstairs, feeling a bit more awake from the shower, and look for something to wear.
I don鈥檛 have any clean clothes. ****, I can鈥檛 believe moms leaving it up to me to do the laundry.
I open up my drawers and find my only clean, correctly paired socks. I put it on and find some clean boxers. I grab my jeans that was hanging on my chair and put it on.
I hope no one notices that I wore these yesterday.
I look around my room floor and find a plaid long sleeve button up shirt. I pick it up and smell it. That鈥檚 my way of finding out if it鈥檚 clean enough to wear. It smells like my dog.
Eh, it鈥檚 not so bad.
I put it on feeling a little ridiculous keeping in mind the weather.
It鈥檚 burning hot today. I need to find something else to wear.
I look inside my hamper and decide that I can鈥檛 wear anything in there when I hear the soft beeping from my watch.
****, it鈥檚 already 7:45.
I scatter around my room searching for my car keys.
Oh yeah there in my backpack.
I run down the stairs and grab my backpack and check for the keys. I find the keys in my backpack and put it in my pocket. I placed on my backpack and hurriedly run into my kitchen a grab a box of cheerios.
I hate not having a full breakfast. You know what. Screw it. I鈥檓 just not going to go to first period.
I set the box of cheerios back on the kitchen counter and take off my backpack. I look inside the refrigerator for some milk.
Damn it. Warren forgot to get the milk again. What the hell am I supposed to eat? Is mom going to make me buy groceries too?
I grab my car keys from my back pocket and leave the house. I lock my house doors and head to my car. I try to open the door a few times failing.
Piece of **** door.
I kick the front door and try opening the door. Finally, it opens and I get in. As I open the door, an overwhelming stench comes rushing out, directly hitting me. It was like a heater was running in their, with rotten bananas.
I can鈥檛 drive with it smelling like this.
I walk around the car and open up all the car doors. I begin to air it out. As people pass by me they stare at me like I鈥檓 crazy so I decide to just go. I close up all the doors and get into the front seat. I settle in my car and turn on the engine. I decide to take the main rode. I begin to turn when I get to a red light which seems to take forever.
I swear, if the beginning of my day starts out horrible, it鈥檚 only going to get worse.
Finally the light turns green and I keep driving. I drive for about a minute and get to another red light.
Holy ****, you鈥檝e got to be kidding me. HURRY UP AND CHANGE DAMN IT.
I swear to you. I don鈥檛 have road rage. The light finally turns green and I speed through the road and finally approach the market.
I don鈥檛 think I鈥檝e ever been to the market so early.
I park in the far corner of the lot away from every other parked car. I hate having to confront other drivers when getting in or out of the car. It鈥檚 just so awkward. I try to avoid any human contact any chance I get. I turn off the engine and attempt to open up the car door. I give it a little kick and it opens. I slam the car door on my wait out. I feel a little embarrassed that I parked so far from everyone else but I just keep walking.
How is it so hot so early in the morning? Okay, I have to change into something else when I get home.
I walk into the automatic doors and feel relieved for the cool air. [Quote]
What do you think of it?
[End Quote]
Not my cup of tea. The story started out having the potential to be interesting, but failed to continue that way. Could possibly be interesting to the right kind of reader, but that's not me.
[Quote]
Any tips?
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Make it easier to follow you train of thought. You use "big words" that isn't used that commonly and it makes me stop and think about the word instead of reading on. You also use the words in an unusual order sometimes, perhaps to create the feeling of how you mind works, but, it interrupts the rhythm and flow of the reader and creates unnatural stops in the reading.
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Am I over doing it?
[End Quote]
Yes. At some points I'm thinking "be done with it and move on!"
[Quote]
Is it to repetitive?
[End Quote]
Not all along, but on a couple of specific places. At one place you write door at 4 places in 3 short sentences. You also repeat "I" all over the text.
You are writing in first person and that's really hard to do without getting the I and I and I and I and I effect. I'm guessing that 3 out of 4 sentences begin with "I". That's not good. Try to find ways to use "I" less, especially at the beginning of the sentences, the reader already knows that it's all about you.
[Quote]
Is it boring?
[End Quote]
The story moves too slowly and the rhythm of the text is interrupted often. That makes it a hard read that you hope will be over soon. It's hard to get a grip of the story and what it's really about. There is really nothing that follows a theme that can keep the readers interest. Boring? I don't know, but it's really hard to digest.
[Quote]
Does it want you to find out more?
[End Quote]
No, not really. You had my interest at the beginning when you wrote thins such as "the purpose of life" and "controversial topic", I disagreed and I was waiting for more on that topic, but that never happened and I lost interest. If someone takes the time to write something down I expect there to be a purpose behind. Following the everyday actions and random thoughts that every person have in their lives isn't really that interesting unless there is a theme to it, something interesting to follow, something that captures and keeps the readers interest.
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A couple of other things ... Sunshine not sun shine. Main road not main rode. Those two "hurt" my eyes.
At one point it looks as if you have lost track of past and present when you write. It could be the way you wanted it to be, but it made me stop and think it over, once again something that interrupts the flow and rhythm of the reading.
I'd like to see more paragraphs cutting the chapters into pieces that are easier to read and follow. Large blocks of text are harder for the mind to digest.
You need a "red thread" something that the reader can follow even though you are portraying the randomness of your mind. The reader need to feel that there is a purpose for them to follow the text and read it. There should be something there for them to follow, to connect to and perhaps look for in the text.
There are a lot of **** that indicates curses and my personal preference is towards writing as few curses as possible. I don't mind the occasional curse, but you go from none to several in a short time. It looks over done.
The feeling I get when reading the text is "hurry up ... and wait, Hurry up ... and wait," just as it feels when you have random thoughts flowing through your mind. That's great if that's what you want the reader to feel, but it does take away from the actual story.
Other than all that...
I think you're doing just fine. You paint a viewable picture with your words and the words also create a feeling for what you write. Both are important when you write. I admit that this is not the kind of story that I usually read and that I'm biased because of that. Still, I don鈥檛 want to cut the story short and say that it鈥檚 no good since I really do think that it has potential.
Good luck! |
