I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired...what should i do?

I'm 21 & fresh College grad in Business Admin.My father is an alcoholic & has been like that way before I was born.My mom left us to work abroad when i was 6 coz of my dad's abusive behavior & alcoholism.I just learned last September that my mom has a new family in Germany w/ a 7 yr old son.I feel so dejected & alone w/ my alcoholic dad who frequently drinks almost everyday & becomes loud, angry & doesn't care if he turns on the radio so loud & disturbs the neighbors. I feel greatly ashame, helpless & hopeless w/ my situation. I feel anger, shame, guilt, fear most of the time even though i try hard to pray & be optimistic, be a good person & cling on to God's mercy that someday I will be set free from this situation I鈥檓 in for so so long. I feel it鈥檚 so unfair that I have to go thru this kind of life. My dad didn't have work & it was my granddad & aunts who supported us financially, basic necessities (both for my dad & grandma) & my education. I tried to advice my dad but he won't listen.I am so sick & tired & desperately want to live a happy, normal & successful life free from living in worry & fear everytime I go home finding my dad drunk again that I would intentionally go home from school late at night when he is asleep already & the house is peaceful again.I feel miserable finding no place to stay and it鈥檚 scary to be out there in the streets even if I am tired from school and longs to go home and have a good rest or sometimes prefer to surf the net in an internet caf茅 until late at night rather than bear the shame hiding in my room crying & enduring my dad鈥檚 wastedness. I feel a bit better since currently I am working in my aunt鈥檚 caf茅 for almost a year now as a graveyard shift cashier just so I could escape the painful situation at home since I have a room to sleep in our caf茅 where I can run to when I don鈥檛 want to sleep at home bec. of my dad.I am earning below minimum wage w/c is enough since my aunt takes care of our utilities. But now I decided to leave my current job to earn bigger & make use of my College degree. But I鈥檓 afraid that I have to live the hell like before, cold, scared out in the streets bec. my aunt won鈥檛 accept me in the caf茅 anymore once I decided to work in another company. I don鈥檛 want to live in my aunt鈥檚 place coz I don鈥檛 want to be a burden to them. They live in a posh subdivision since they are pretty well-off. Do you think I would survive if I decided to find a better job like in a call center, earn a lot of money there so I can afford to find a place on my own so I could try as much as possible avoid living in hell w/ my dad? But will a sensitive person like me with low self-esteem survive in a call center job? I can鈥檛 think of faster and decent way to earn big. If I choose a corporate position, im afraid basic pay is barely enough I feel sorry too for my grandma had a stroke & Alzheimer鈥檚 & uses a wheelchair to carry her around & is tended by 3 caregivers provided by my aunt .In our culture, kids still must care for their parents, so is this plan of mine to move for my own鈥檚 sake make me a bad & selfish person bec. I won鈥檛 have much time to take care of my grandma if I would live like a transient. Will my dad see the light that he鈥檚 gonna lose me if he won鈥檛 change?

Your dad will not change simply because you move out. You are not responsible for your dad. He should have been responsible for YOU and wasn't. You deserve to have a life that is full and happy. You have worked hard to get an education and should be very proud of yourself. I am not sure why you think you would live on the streets if you left your father's home. I know you said that your aunt would not let you work there any longer should you take this other job, but if it pays well then won't you be able to find a place of your own? Do you have a friend that could share the expense of an apt. with you? Just start saving your money until you have enough to move out. Your aunt is saying she will fire you because you are cheap help for her. She will get over her anger. She should stop paying your dads expenses. He will NEVER get well and stop drinking if everyone in your family pays for his bills and housing. Why would he need to? You are NOT being selfish for wanting a better life. Just learn from your father's life and do not drink. Stay away from it and work hard and keep telling yourself this is so that you will have a brighter future. You seem to be an intelligent young woman, hard worker, and clear thinker. You can do and be anything you set your mind on. God will help you, but you have to take the first step and He will open doors for you. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for seeking a better life. Do not feel guilty that you will not be able to care for your grandmother. She already has 3 caregivers...she doesn't need another one. Please take good care of yourself! God bless you abundantly and forever!

Your dad lost your mother and it didn't help him to see the light. The sad thing is, your mother didn't take you with her. If you'd been my child, we'd have left together. I'd never have left my precious angel [which is who you are] in a bad situation like that. Please find an Al-Anon chapter near you. They can help you more than you realize. You need to see that you need to take care of YOU. You need a family. I wish I could adopt you. Please find help through counseling and Al-Anon. You will never be sorry you did. I'm praying for you.

sounds like you need to move and take care of your self and stop being around such a stressfula nd abusive situation, shame on your mom for leaving you there in that situation, just learn for your situation and do not do hat they did to you. God bless and good luck, sounds like you have your head on straight. make a great life for your self

I'm not sure if I can answer this for you, but after reading this...I feel really bad for you. You are trying so hard, God Bless You! I hope things work out for you honey.