The great black doors slammed shut as Rizaran walked in. His brother Gricazin stood in the center of the room playing with a card in his hand. The light fell across the room in a ghostly manner. Dark jagged walls and tiled floors hissed as a great evil blew through the air
鈥淵ou鈥檙e slightly late my brother,鈥?Gricazin spoke between his teeth. He slipped the card into his holster that hung off his belt.
鈥淚 apologize,鈥?Rizaran whispered mockingly.
鈥淵ou never apologize.鈥?br>
鈥淚 know,鈥?Rizaran smiled. He moved swiftly over to the chair at the head of the room and sat down. 鈥淪hall we discuss the business you have?鈥?Gricazin rolled his eyes, but moved his heavily clothed body of robes to the head of the room, where he to sat down at a chair.
鈥淥ur plan is moving along. Slowly, we have come to possess the twelve stones of Arune; their powers are now ours. I have secured them in a room underneath this lair in which only a selected two may enter.鈥?br>
Rizaran smiled. 鈥淯s.鈥?br>
Gricazin nodded. 鈥淚 have also located Jason Deran, the wielder of flames himself and the current possessor of another powerful artifact.鈥?br>
鈥淭he necklace of Tamaris.鈥?br>
鈥淵ou know you鈥檙e information. I will give you that brother. We realized earlier he would be a threat. You know of his history correct?鈥?br>
鈥淚 do,鈥?answered Rizaran. 鈥淗is father, who he did not know, was a wizard鈥ut perhaps even more important鈥is father was a descendant of Arune. Jason does not realize this. Anyhow, Jason Deran began engaging in matches at a very young age. He is nineteen now. He has not appeared on any map for two years. At age sixteen through seventeen he hit the tournament world hard and fast. He left everyone speechless. None the less, his experience is the reason why. People should have seen it coming.鈥?br>
鈥淵es,鈥?Gricazin agreed, 鈥渇or it was in younger years that he battled ruthlessly underground against the outlaws. He went up against the leader of the Haunets, a complicated and powerful group of earth wielders. Jason Deran has fought numerous beings from the realm underneath us. There is no limit to which he has competed. Jason has even fought ancestors of ours. He knows a lot. He knows more than he pretends to.鈥?br>
鈥淵ou forget that Mr. Deran was also trained by Jerald Deran, a man much like himself.鈥?br>
鈥淣o Jerald was better than Jason. He will always be better than Jason.鈥?br>
鈥淚f you say so,鈥?Rizaran responded. 鈥淪o where can we find our nonexistent friend.鈥?br>
鈥淗e is staying with Uranijin, the old wizard who lives in the world outside of ours,鈥?Gricazin answered. 鈥淏ut he is not our only threat.鈥?br>
鈥淲hat?鈥?br>
鈥淭hat my exact word when I learned of another.鈥?br>
鈥淲ho is he?鈥?br>
鈥淭yler Rammings.鈥?br>
鈥淵ou mean the spoiled rich bastard?鈥?br>
鈥淚 did not want to believe it to be true either,鈥?spoke Gricazin.
鈥淏ut how?鈥?demanded Rizaran. 鈥淗ow can he be any good? Are you sure his opponents are not paid off? Opponents are paid off. The damn committee decides who wins what today. So how can he be a true wielder of fire?鈥?br>
鈥淲hat you say about being paid off is true but Tyler put an end to it last year when he came onto the scene. Deviously, he took a bribe to lose, but in the end stuck it to the guy who was supposed to win. That ended everything. But he is good. He beat Grenile, the most powerful wielder of water.鈥?br>
鈥淥h鈥 remember now.鈥?br>
鈥淵es,鈥?Gricazin agreed.
鈥淏ut still the guy is rich.鈥?br>
鈥淏ut he has great beliefs and values. His money does not alter who he is.鈥?
There was a long pause.
鈥淗e too was trained by Jerald Deran.鈥?br>
鈥淲hat?鈥?Rizaran stood up outraged. 鈥淗ow? When? What? How does he have connections to him?鈥?br>
Gricazin shook his head. 鈥淚 have yet to figure that out.鈥?br>
Gricazin stood and walked over to Rizaran who had walked halfway across the room in anger. 鈥淭his means will need a third brother.鈥?br>
Rizaran looked to Gricazin. 鈥淵ou already know about Darin Davalin?鈥?br>
鈥淵es,鈥?responded Gricazin with a smile across his face. 鈥淚 already know about Darin Davalin.鈥?/div>
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Not really. Here's why:
The brothers reciting Jason's history is pointless in context of the story. They already know it so this is just long exposition. Best to find a way to convey this sort of information by showing, not telling.
The good guys having nornal names (Jason and Tyler) and the bad guys having fantasy-type names (Rizarin and Gricazin) is such a terrible fantasy clich茅. Go with all one, or all the other.
Your good guys (Jason and Tyler) don't seem to have any real flaws. Nothing that would make them more personable. Definitly nothing hey will have to overome. This could just be because I'm only reading a snippet, not the whole work, but it's something their enemies would absolutly talk about.
And finally, in the beginning of the snippet, the two brothers seem to be acting for an audience, not naturally. Even if they don't like eachother much, when there is only two people, there is less posturing.
But this is all just my opinion. Too much to read, but thanks for the two points! Not bad at all. I would love to know what hapens next. ummm.... i didnt read it BUT I GOT 2 ponints!!! ahhhh too much reading. yea....did u type that?!?!? what?? need different names, they are to modern.otherwise it is good |
