I'm giving my husband a note tonight, how can I expect him to react?

I can't seem to find the time to sit my husband down when he gets off work to talk to him about the serious issues affecting our marriage. First of all, he goes to his mother over everything. I addressed that in the letter stating that he speaks with his mother more than he speaks to his own wife (isn't that a problem?!?!). I also addressed that what he wants to do with his job choices is up to him. I let him know what I feel about it, and said it's none of his mother's business what he does with his job and work hours.

How might he react? Do you think he'll ignore it?

I wrote him a letter before and he came to me and said some things and told me that what I was feeling wasn't true. (I said I feel he doesn't love me anymore). That was a while ago.

I really feel I got a lot off my chest in the letter and I have to force myself to give it to him.

Any suggestions?

Well it was acceptable for his mother to write me a note about her feelings and have her son give it to me, so why isn't this acceptable? Maybe that's how the family likes to communicate!

The idea of writing to him is not a bad one, it麓s not immature, it麓s not a bad idea when the situation has gotten rough. Writing letters is a way of expression, just like talking. Of course couples that are able to communicate by talking is great! Nothing can get better than that, but even then some topics are hard to cover. Some couples deal with certain issues in other ways, yes, through letters, emails, listen whatever works for you, that麓s what you need to do. As long as you save your marriage and keep it on the straight road, nothing is a bad idea.
It actually works better because he won麓t be able to interrupt. Sometimes you want to express your feelings and everything turns into a fight when your partner interrupts you, you deffend yourself, he replies back, and the fight begins, then nothing of what you wanted to say was transmitted. Don麓t listen to those saying that a letter is a bad idea. When you麓ve tried talking to your husband and can麓t get through, you麓ve got to get creative. And when you want to save your marriage, nothing is immature as long as you get through your partner to get him to listen to you.
Of course after the letter you need to talk with him and let him express himself too, but I think it麓s a good idea, and I hope he understands your views and you can both work something out.
However, leave the letter in a place where you know he麓ll see it, let him read it and then come in and talk.
Just remember, when you麓re trying to save your marriage, any ideas are acceptable as long as you麓ve been honest and do it with love.

Wow this is very sad. If you have to write a paper to have your husband listen to you,,,,,,this is very sad. He who is a good son will make a good husband. Think about this calmly,,,,,,,,Have you notice how people usually listen to you when they are drunk? There is a way to inebriate him, with good intense love making, and then when all is good and done find the words to make him listen. He is your partner not just an stubborn friend. Good luck

There is NO comparison between HIS MOTHER writing YOU a note and you writing HIM one.

She does not live under the same roof does she?

You need to figure out how to sit him down and tell him what is going on face to face.
It would also help to learn communication skills which do not put him on the defensive.

That would require maturity.

My Dad has been sort of like that, he ended up divorcing my mom. Long story short, now they're battling for custody of me, then my younger siblings. (She abuses us.) So please just move far away from "Mommy" so he can't deal with her so much and so that you don't go down the wrong path.

What, are you 10 years old? A note is weak! You are married to someone and you can't look them in the face and tell them how you feel? I think you should go to a therapist and have them help you both learn how to communicate like adults.

A pathological mother-son bond is far more powerful than your marriage. Only a good marital therapist can maybe get some sense into him. You can't, you're "the other woman". Good luck anyway.

It's a bit of an immature way to deal with issues in your relationship. If you really need to say all of that then at least read it to him yourself.

Sit him down and tell him how you feel and if he ignores you.... Tell him good bye for good.
Chances are he doesn't want this relationship as much as you do, or He would be working harder to please you.

At least you're communicating, if not rather strangely.

i think that he will really listen to the note and if i were you when he got home from work i would tell him when hes walk through the door just tell him we need to talk

I think you had this question earlier....yes just give him the letter......if he keeps getting mad then what else can you do. It may be something he will never change though......

The bible says "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one."

You should be his world now, not his mother. If he continues to go to his mother, then let the two of them be together and you should go find a man that treats you like a part of himself.

I know that sounds harse, but I cant for the life of me understand why men do this.
I stand by my wife no matter what, if she's wrong about something, thats between me and her, not my mother or even her mother.
Hope he wakes up. Good Luck.

It really sounds as though you have chosen the wrong mate, you can't communicate with him,. you don't need to be with him...It don't sound as though he hears anything you have to say and if he is a mama's boy, you have to wonder when he will ever grow up. YOu need to move on with your life. If he didn't listen to the first note, what makes you think he will read and understand this one. He is not going to , so you are just wasting you time even giving it to him. Please move on and try to find happiness but you are not going to find it with him/.

I understand where you are coming from. My HB is terrible at communicating and it is ruining our marriage. We are in therapy now.
My suggestion is to write the note - but to make it clear that the note is to give him a heads up on issues that you want to talk about with him asap. Let him know that you are giving him time to think about the issues so that you guys can have a productive conversation - ask him for a date and time to talk. I know it may seem like "an appointment" but dont let him get away with not setting a date for your "conference". You need to talk with him. The note is just a precursor to a much needed communication session. BOL!

I would at the very least use the note as a guide, tell him you have something to say, and then talk to him that way. A note is pretty bad. Would you expect his reply via email?

Make the time, it is your marriage, not some school crush, and he neds to hear it from you so you can answer any questions and so you can hear what he has to say.

Edit: Well by all means, let your MIL make the rules in your marriage--if it's okay for her to write a note, then you should also. How about stop the madness and treat him how you would want to be treated? He'll never figure it out unless you show him how to act within your marriage.

My suggestion would be to NOT give him a letter!?

Confrontation about communication problems shouldn't be solved through third grade letter trading, it should be solved with two mature and married adults sitting down and talking face-to-face.

If it's that important - you can find the time. And obviously the letter didn't work as you had wanted it to the first time around. Sit him down and read your letter to him if you feel you need the letter.

If you can't talk to your husband - I'd suggest counseling.

Alright, honey - you're a big girl now. Time to start being a grown up and face your problems like an adult would rather than passing a note when the teacher's not looking. Sit down with him, tell him that you have some important things that you'd like to discuss, and then say what you need to say. One of your complaints is that he doesn't speak to you often enough, yet you seem to be the one unable of actually speaking to him.

His mother giving a note to you has NOTHING to do with anything. You are MARRIED to this man. Friends or relatives by marriage are welcome to communicate by notes if they choose to do so, but this is your HUSBAND. You need to talk to him.

I don't know how is he going to react to this because I don't know your husband, and everyone's different. I also don't know the way you wrote it.
It is much easier to mis-read a letter cause he doesn't hear your voice and doesn't see your face. It might come across much harsher than you intended. But on the other hand, you can express your thoughts without interruptions.

Our divorce started with my ex's e-mail. Receiving his request in form of an e-mail was so confusing to me! The message was simple, and it wasn't even a long or offencive letter, but the main thing I couldn't understand was why couldn't he just talk to me. It was the end of our communication cause I was afraid to talk to him openly ever since. Which later became an end of marriage.

If I were you, I'd just wtite down "Dear, I need to talk to you. We don't seem to have a convenient time to do so, but I really need it. " Now it's a simple request that should be easy enough tp respond to.

Writing letters is passive-agressive. If you mother in law does it it doesn't mean it's a good idea.

Just let him know when he gets home from work that you really need to talk to him. It's okay to have a paper in front of you so that you don't forget anything and so that you stay on target. If you give him the paper then that is like saying that you don't feel open communication with him anymore. Force yourself to talk to him. He will listen and you will be able to explain better than on paper. He will probably understand better if you tell him the problems. Let him know how much that it bothers you that he goes to him mom with everything. I don't know how long you have been married, but remember that he had his mom before you were in the picture. He trusts her to listen and understand and to give him good advice. Now on the other hand he is married to you now and he should be talking to you about things. Sometimes he should still be able to get advice from mom though. I hope that everything goes good for you. Remember throughout your whole talk this one thing...

Why did I marry this man? What moment did I first know that I was in love with him?

Maybe this will help you.

Instead of giving it to him, I would suggest that you wait until he gets home, and read it to him, that way, he will see you, he will hear you, and then after you read it, you will have a chance to communicate.

There is nothing better in the world, then communicating and getting all your feelings out on paper and I really think that you should read it to him, and then wait for any questions or responses he may have.

But if you read the letter, with him there, you will be showing him you have a backbone and you are willing to confront him about anything that is on your mind, if you just leave the letter there, then you will, be "taking the easy way out", and you do not want that.

Communication is the key to any relationship.

My suggestion would be to talk with him in person. This way the conversation is two sided - it isn't him just listening to a piece of paper. You guys need to be able to talk things out. Maybe that is why he is going to his mother for advice - maybe she communicates with him and gives him the advice that he needs. When you write a letter a lot of words can be misunderstood. Best to speak with him and person and clarify everything. If my husband was to leave me a letter trying to discuss and bring up serious issues in our marriage I wouldn't know what to think....

well, first of all, don't give him the note the moment he walks through the door. the man just got off work, he needs alittle down time to recuperate before he'll have the energy to process through the note or work on your marriage...

my suggestion to you would be that when he walks through the door
*you give him a big kiss
*tell him that the two of you are going to spend some time together talking after dinner.
*turn off every phone in the house including your cell phone and his cell phone (if he complains about it, tell him that sometimes you just have to hang up the phone, push out all the outside world and focus on the two of you for an hour or two.)
*make dinner for you both, something that he'll enjoy (steak if that's what he likes, spagetti if that's his favorite).
*turn off the TV, turn on the stereo. Listen to music you can both enjoy, something that you maybe listened to when you were dating. Have music playing during dinner so he can listen and relax. Do NOT pressure him to talk during dinner, let him rest. Maybe ask him how his day was, but leave it at that. He needs time to unwind before he can be ready to read the note. Music can fill any awkward silence without enveloping him the way TV would. And music is low pressure so he can relax, whereas talking (any talking) is high-pressure and sometimes even stressful after a long day at work.

All of these things are to
1- take away the distractions of work and mom &
2- to get him rested and in a good mood so that he'll be emotionally ready to process through the note and talk about it.

Finally, after dinner, turn off the radio and clear the table. (no distractions) Sit across or next to him, say "I have something that I need to tell you, however I'm not sure if I can say it out loud. It's easier for me to express myself through writing, so I have a note for you..." At this point in time, take the note out. Either hand it to him to read, or read it out loud to him. Stay in the room, let him know that he can ask questions if he has any. Let him know you want to talk about this, to work through it and come out of it stronger.

Hopefully you have slept on this note a night or two: men who are close to their mothers can become VERY defensive about it when their wives comment on the closeness. So if you haven't already, then I urge you to wait a day or two, sleep on it.

I can tell you are sure that you want to tell him these things, I just hope that you worded them nicely. It is always best to use "I feel..." statements rather than to start a sentence with the word "You." Careful wording is key with such a sensitive issue so read what you write and put yourself in his place. The last thing you want to do is to upset him. Getting angry can only be counterproductive in a relationship, so try to tell him how you feel without offending or angering him.

One last note, if you have children (or a dog), they can be one of the biggest distractions and very detrimental to this type of discussion so I strongly urge you to get a sitter (dog walker) so that they won't be around to distract him.

Good Luck from someone whose been there.