Need opinions on family issue....?

I had relocated to my father's house after my mother passed to help out. I had to go back to my home for 2 months for business reasons and my sister though it was a good idea to put my grown nephew with my elderly father in my absence. At the time, my dad was still driving and in good shape (2yrs ago). I came back to my nephew living in MY room and only some of my things moved out. I've decided to stay because I didn't think it was a good idea. I've tried to address it with my sister, but she gets crazy defensive and defends my nephew going to all extremes to make excuses. Same with addressing him....they're "volatile" at times.

To get to the point, he now has moved his GF in, smokes like a fiend in the house (although he's been told not to), NEVER pays a dime toward anything, and doesn't seem to care a bit! In his GF's defense she does help out a lot. My Dad doesn't say much and feels "obligated" to help him and here I am paying for 2 places.

Need advice addressing this!

PS - my home is >1000 miles away.

Your sister needs a swift kick. You are paying for her son's lifestyle and room and board along with his girlfriend and your Dad. Sister needs to pay for her son. Period. Then she will feel the strain of supporting him and his girlfriend. That is the only way she is going to do anything to help you besides complain. I respect you for caring for your Dad. But the freeloaders need to go.

Being honest, I reckon you can only change your own behaviour, and where & how you choose to live. You've told her you don't think it's a good idea, and why. Your nephew's comfortable with this, your sister's comfortable with it, and your Dad is content to go along with things as they are. Otherwise things would be different for you. I feel for you, and of course you are concerned for your Dad.

But what about your own discomfort? I think you are not comfortable living in the past. This is how things are at home now for you. Although it's stressful to move again, I really think you could deal with these issues better without having to come home to them every evening also.

If I were you I would find another place to stay, for yourself. Life's too short to agonise over why other people behave badly, or differently. As I see it, you can relocate back if possible, and have your Dad stay with you, or you can find a better place locally and have him over for dinner (& a smoke-free break!) and make your own choices. Why let others influence your plans?