I lost a grandparent last year. She was as close to me as my mother and raised me for the most part so of course it's been very hard to take. Tell me what you think of these situations:
--One person I know randomly expressed condolences through myspace 4 months after the fact and she knew about it when it happened.
--One former friend wrote a letter to my mother expressing condolences but didn't say a word to me. She even called my mother about 4 times as well (my mother never answered but that's beside the point). Yet, this same woman wrote me a letter cursing me out a few months before my grandmother died. I've known her about 14 years.
--Finally, a "so-called" friend of mine told me she would attend the funeral services but never showed or called. I have not spoken to her since and this was in 2007.
I'm finally trying to sit down and evaluate these situations in my life. What do you think of this? Would you be offended by the behaviors of these individuals? Oh, and let's not forget the friend who told me she can't promise to support me through this because she doesn't want to think about death. One day, she is going to lose her own parents and she doesn't know how to cope with that so my situation is too much for her to take. That's another one of my great friends who cares so much for me and is there for me during the hard times (sarcasm) I also lost a grandparent last year. She spent 6 months at a time living with us, and even though she was strict, and I was a brat, and we bumped heads so many times, I loved her. I really did, and I miss her more than anything. It was a very traumatic experience as it stood...but then I was the one who had to tell my mother that her mother was dead. It's been over a year (Jan. 2007) and I still have a hard time coping with it. And then, that November, I also lost one of my favorite uncles. I haven't really grieved over him yet. I'm just sort of skating by and avoiding the topic. For now, we can just pretend he's on vacation somewhere.
Anyway, I called my bf of several years and told him about it. I was in tears and everything, and I had just gotten off the phone with my family. And after a few moments of silence, he starts talking about his day at work. I went along with it for awhile, and then after a few more moments, he asked me if I was ok. I said no, and then he just rushed me off the phone like I was briging down the mood, or something. It pissed me off, because people I barely even knew and I hadn't seen in years seemed more concerned about it. "Oh my gosh, you were just talking about her yesterday...are you ok?" My bf didn't even have that much to say. He just got off the phone.
So at the end of all of this, I was extremely offended, and I know where you're coming from. I wouldn't be offended with the random condolences, because some people just don't know what to say in those situations. I wouldn't be offended by the friend not showing up to the funeral services, because things sometimes come up. (Now, if I had found out that she was hanging out somewhere, doing nothing all day, I'd be pissed.)
The former friend that wrote the letters to your mother would get cursed out. When someone just died, that is NOT the time to be devisive and petty, and send condolences to one person and not the other. She knew exactly what she was doing, and frankly if I were your mother, I wouldn't have answered that woman's contacts either. How dare she! In a situation like that, where someone's close relative just died, you're supposed to put all the petty BS to the side for a moment and send condolences to EVERYONE involved! Either you send them to everyone, or you don't send any. How childish!
And as for that one that doesn't want to talk about it because they can't "deal with grief" (same as my ex) lose them, because they're fair-weather friends. How selfish can people be? sometimes people don't know what to say or how to express their condolences. don't be offended. think about how your grandmother would have wanted you to handle the situation.
sorry for your loss. I don't think it is insensitve I just know people handle situations in their own way (especially in a passing of a loved one). They may have known your grandparent as a kind and loving person and want to keep them like that in their memory. Others may not know what to say and give you space in your time of need. I also don't think your angry but you may feel left out which is understandable. Ask yourself why you have a feeling of being left out. Are these people in your life not giving what you need in their relationship with you? What are you missing in each of these relationships? Take advantage of this time while contemplating what you would do to change each situation. Change comes from within so you have to find that place inside of you where you can go each time you have these feelings rise up. When you go to sleep at night do you have dreams? Write them down in a journal and follow up on each meaning. Your dreams tell you what you really feel while your conscious keeps your protected from your own self. Are you sure you are not angry? Your need to respond to the poster who stated such shows you have a short fuse.. ie.. 8 minutes ago
FYI- I'm NOT angry, I'm disgusted. And, yes, I feel these individuals did me wrong. Many of them I've known for 14-15 years. I think a card would have been nice or some offering of sympathy even if our relationships have changed over the years.
I mean, one person who I've known since high school (more than 10 years), did at least send me a card of condolences. And we're not close anymore. It's called showing respect. I'm not asking about ME because that is my concern, I'm asking about the situations- would you be offended?
7 minutes ago
And the "myspace friend" is a girl who was my best friend in junior high/high school years ago so stfu.
FYI.. PART OF GROWING UP AND GROWING APART FROM PEOPLE AS PAINFUL AS IT SOUNDS.. friendships fade.. doesn't matter if you knew someone from grammer school. The fact is they are not real part of your life now.
WHy does it matter so much that you get awknowlegement from past friends who are NOT currently in your life?
You are angry. Let the cards, the calls go. Really..... they are being rude, you are being angry.
SHOWING RESPECT? TO SOMEONE THEY KNEW 10+ YEARS AGO? COME ON. Why can't you focus on those who are important to you vs. the one's who show they don't give a shiot about you?
The truth is you are expecting more from your friends than they are willing to give. What message is that? They do not hold the relationship to the same high regard you do. Clear them out, delete them off myspace whatever.. they do not need your energy. Okay well I just lost 3 of my grandparents in the last 4 months and 2 within weeks of each other. I really didn't get any sympathy cards from any of my friends either. It didn't bother me that much, but that is me. But you say you were close to your grandmother so I can understand why you feel so hurt. A lot of people don't know how to deal with death, or with people who have lost someone close to them. I think you have the right to be upset, but I think you should let your upset feelings go about how these people treated you. These are people who you should cut lose from you life. It's a bit backwards but here it goes:
The third person I would have upset because she never showed up for the funeral, when she said she would come. Even though if she would have been busy at the time, or wasn't comfortable going, she could have still called and said she would not have been able to make it.
The second person, although yall no longer talk was a bit sincere by writing a letter to express condolences to your mother. Whatever the situation was for her sharing harsh words with you, she was able to express her sympathy towards the loss. You and her don't talk, so it doesn't really make sense for her to contact you. But if she did contact you to express her condolences, would you have been upset? Now I would have been a bit offended but not that much. Reason being is because we no longer talk,however she expressed her sympathy, but not towards me.
The first person, whether if it was 4 days or 4 months after, he/she still expressed sympathy. I am not saying that the person was right, nor wrong. Not everyone expresses their condolences the same. I wouldn't be offended because life goes on, and one cannot focus on how long it takes to express their sympathy.
Now the person who cannot support you because they don't want to think about death, that's just BS. At some point in life we begin to lose our love ones, so it's not like the people in their lives will be around for eternity. I agree when she says she doesn't want to think about death. Who does? That person I wouldn't really want to deal with when it comes to showing emotional support. How would she react if the situation was reversed? So yea I would be offended. A true friend is someone who is there for you through thick and thin, through the good, the bad, and yes the ugly.
Hopefully things will turn up right for you. Good Luck.
P.S.: if you want to talk, you are more than welcome to hit me up. myspace me if you want. same name. My dear girl, so sorry for your loss. I am sure this has taken a great toll on you, not only for the loss of your beloved grandparent, but also for the loss of what you thought were your dear friends. This is a tough time, as you are now evaluating the the true value of these particular "friendships" and finding they come up short. People are in their own worlds of selfishness and think the sun and moon revolve around them and around them only. You seemed to have gotten the leftovers of the litter when it comes to friends. Personally, this may be a good time to "thin the herd", so to speak. A time when you see the dead wood of relationships not worth your time in maintaining. For those that sent a note or called, a simple card thanking them for their care and concern should suffice. For those that couldn't be there for you in you moment of need, nothing given, nothing to be thanked for. Learn this, not all friendships are GOLD, some are simply ASSOCIATES, which are not worthy of time spent, simply conveniences. Learn to know which are which and invest in those that suit you. I have golden friends, who have been my friends since grade school, and I can still count on them in a pinch, we have been through deaths of parents, grandparents, siblings, sickness and in health. I have newer friends that we are still cultivating. Some may fall to the wayside, but I learned a long time ago, QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is best, and yet I still have enough friends. I have also learned that some friends are better in some situations than others. I have friends that I cannot count on for a funeral, but if I need a place to stay, or a drinking buddy, they are there for me. I have acquaintances that are on that same level, but less reliable, you know what I mean? Some friends are great for cheering me up and others for offering me some serious answers and advice, without being all sweet and nice. It may be hard to know, but time tells alot. I learned a long time ago to lose ones right away that demonstrated ANY serious character defects (liars, thieves, gossip, can't keep a secret, rats off a sinking ship and so on). No point dragging trash in when I can have a quality friend. Learning to be a good friend has also stood well for me. I try and do my best to shine and offer assistance when needed, within my means, ALWAYS. I NEVER LOAN money to a friend, but will GIVE them money I can afford to NOT have back. That way I NEVER lose a friendship over money, EVER. If I don't trust someone, chances are first, that they are not my friend, and second, I would not offer them a place to stay. I hope you can be merciful in your evaluations of your friends, and realize, some may not be worth the value you once put on them, or that you can do better. In any case, yes, I would be offended at some of the atrocious behaviors you mentioned, they mostly sound like a callous and thoughtless bunch. Put a period on it and move on. well, on a strict manners level......there's alot to pick over here.......
hmmmmmmmmmmm......
first of all.........myspace is a wasteland of self absorbed whiners. Do yourself a favor and get off that site.
Condolences 4 months after the fact, are better than none at all........but seriously late, if she knew about the situation at the time. Thats just wrong.
The friend who wrote to your MOTHER showed great wisdom.
You lost a grandmother......but your mother lost her MOTHER.
That takes maturity to recognize OTHERS grief, besides yours.
If anyone was rude there....it was your mother........for not returning 4 calls.....but okay....she just lost her mother.......grief is hard..........I won't judge.
You say she wrote you a letter cursing you out, earlier......well, what on earth was that all about?
Why does her opinion still matter to you then, if she cursed you out?
Tell her to shove off.......and be done with her.....unless she cursed you out for a GOOD reason......in which case, you should apologize.
The friend who said she would come, but did not.........
well, not very nice.......trying for the sympathy credits, without doing the actual legwork, so to speak.........
but why didn't she come? She might have had a good reason.........
you won't know, until you speak to her to find out.
The friend who said they can't deal with your grief......because it makes them think of their future possible grief, is a total loser. Lose that person.
If they can't spare a teacup of sympathy for you, at a time like this.........they aren't worth spit as a friend.
I'd say you have some good reasons to be annoyed here........
but learn from it....and choose your friends more wisely in the future.
Mr. Manners, --out. I am really sorry to hear about your loss. It is always tough to lose someone with whom you share such a bond, and it is made even worse by the callous behaviour of others.
鈥?The first case: My former schoolmate's mother died last year, and I still haven't said anything to him. This is not because I don't want to, but I know his mother died after a long and painful struggle with cancer, and he was very close to her. Whatever words I come up with seem inadequate in light of what the whole family went through. I know this is not the right way to approach this as everyone has that problem, but I haven't been able to say anything. Maybe the myspace friend had the same problem.
鈥?The second one: Maybe this person didn't know how close you were to your grandmother? I am also likely to express my condolences to the daughter rather than the granddaughter.
鈥?Third: I have a friend who is a bit of a playboy, he lives the drinking/partying/flirting lifestyle as much as his income will allow, and is generally perceived as being irresponsible and unreliable. He lives in Bangalore and I stay in Chennai (these are 2 cities in southern India). I sent him an email saying my dad was in a coma, with no chances of recovery. He was on my doorstep the next morning. In contrast, a close friend who stays in the same city just 10kms away from me didn't bother to come to my dad's memorial service, even though he assured me that morning that he would make it, and didn't excuse himself either. Unlike you, I didn't cut him off immediately, but did it eventually, after 6 months.
As for the other case you mentioned, I have noticed that some people ask for a lot of sympathy when they have a problem, but do not extend any when someone else has to go through the same thing, I'm not sure if they are self-centred, or are in denial. Either way I lose my respect for them.
When we go through such traumatic events in our lives, they act as a stress test on our relationships with others, and we find out which are the ones that buckle, and which are the ones that stand firm. Equally, we undergo the same stress test ourselves and discover what and who are really important in our lives, and where we are most vulnerable. In your case that is your grandmother, not surprising considering the role she has played, and like the second poster said, you are showing signs of a great deal of anger. There is no denying that you have good reason to be angry with these people, but you should remember that such anger will harm you if you don't let it dissipate. Just as the second poster said (wise lady!) I too think you should focus on the positive. Much as I was disappointed with the behaviour of my second friend, I gained so much from seeing a different side of my first friend that I have much to be thankful for, though it took me some time to see it that way. You should also remember that none of these former friends of yours are 'bad people', they must be a pillar of strength to someone in their lives, unfortunately you are not that someone. There is nothing wrong with that, you play different roles in others lives, and they will have their entrances and exits in yours. I would suggest you just shrug your shoulders, reclassify some people from 'friends' to 'acquaintances', and move on. I'm sorry to here of your grandmother's passing. My father died two years ago----it just hit me hard a few months ago, so I know what you are going through.
The only card I got was from a nurse who took care of my husband's mother---she also spent her hard earned money on a a beautiful lily plant-----just for me.
None of my husband's family sent a card. Luckily, my dad did not want a funeral----why waste good ground to grow potatoes, he would always say. I just absolutely hate funerals, anyway, don't want one for myself----want everyone to go on living their lives full throttle before there time is up in this ever so temporary existence we live!
Everyone is different. I agree with you on the respectful part---
You have two choices to make here, forgive or don't forgive.
Which one would your grandmother want you to do. Often, when I have a tough choice to make---I err on the side of forgiveness---then say that was for you DAD!
Good luck with your problem-----forgiveness is NOT easy. Believe me I"m still struggling......just when I think I've got it ......back it comes.
Take care......and I am really sorry to hear about your grandmother. |
