I am 14 and I have more to the story I just want to know what people think of the beginning.
Chapter One
Magic is anything but simple
Winter was approaching rapidly that year. It was only November and yet the air was dry. Will walked briskly up the path to his home, the leaves piled on the sides. Once he got inside he began to ply away the many layers of clothing that covered him.
鈥淲ill, is that you?鈥?His mother called from the kitchen.
鈥淵es,鈥?called Will. He walked into the small kitchen and instantly a thousand smells entered his nostrils. A woman with long, curly red hair turned around and Will saw the face of his mother. 鈥淚 was getting worried about you,鈥?She said with a smile. 鈥淵ou said you鈥檇 be home earlier than this.鈥?br>
鈥淛amane came in to buy food for the castle,鈥?said Will exasperated. 鈥淪he always takes forever.鈥?
鈥淛amane, huh,鈥?said Will鈥檚 mother with the smallest of a smirk on her face. 鈥淚 always thought she was pretty, don鈥檛 you.鈥?br>
鈥淪he鈥檚 okay looking,鈥?admitted Will. 鈥淏ut she鈥檚 so pompous and stubborn and she鈥檚鈥nd she鈥檚...and she鈥檚 JAMANE!鈥?
鈥淥kay, Okay, there鈥檚 no need to get all worked up. I was only making a statement.鈥?Will鈥檚 mother set a plate of cookies onto the small wooden table.
鈥淪orry,鈥?said Will taking a bite of one of the cookies. 鈥淲as there a reason why you wanted me to come home early?鈥?br>
鈥淵es, Aron came over and told me that you need to see him later today.鈥?
鈥淒id he give a reason?鈥?br>
鈥淣o, but why would he tell me secret information that a sixteen year-old can have?鈥?she said sarcastically, 鈥淛ust because I鈥檓 not a man doesn鈥檛 mean that I should be kept in the dark. I mean I was the 鈥榤an鈥?in your life when your father, when your father died.鈥?
Will sighed; his mother had been going on like this since his birthday. 鈥淚鈥檓 going to see what Aron wanted,鈥?he said getting up from the small wooden table.
鈥淏ehave yourself and don鈥檛 anger that insane skattle of his.鈥?
鈥淒on鈥檛 worry. Benewen and I get along much better now.鈥?Will smiled and looked at the scar on his arm that Benewen had given him when he was two. In the shape of a W Will was somewhat proud that the only scar he had reflected his name.
Will walked into town and up to Aron鈥檚 cottage. He knocked on the door, but there was no answer. 鈥淕ood, you鈥檙e here,鈥?said a grizzly voice behind him. Will turned around to see an old man with short grey hair, electric-blue eyes, and a little fox-like creature weaving around his feet.
鈥淗ello Aron. Hello Benewen.鈥?
鈥淭he W begins his name, but someday it will be his fame,鈥?came the sing-song voice of the skattle.
鈥淥kay then,鈥?said Will, he had never gotten use to the way the skattle spoke.
鈥淩iddles are hard to make, but mine are certainly not fake. It is not fun to rhyme, especially all of the time.鈥?
鈥淣ever mind him,鈥?said Aron. He unlocked the door and they stepped inside. The floor was strewn with books and old newspapers. There were two armchairs by the fireplace and a small kitchen in the corner, along with two doors on opposite walls. Aron lit the fire and put a kettle on the wood-burning-stove.
鈥淪it down, sit down,鈥?said Aron waving his hand at the two arm chairs. Will cleared the chairs of newspaper and sat down.
鈥淢om told me that you needed to see me.鈥?
鈥淵es,鈥?said Aron giving Will a hot mug of tea. 鈥淵our magic test is scheduled for December and I wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing.鈥?
鈥淚 have no idea what I鈥檓 going to do, but isn鈥檛 the test to see if I can do magic?鈥?
鈥淵es it is but you have to know what you鈥檙e going to attempt to do.鈥?
鈥淲ell, what鈥檚 simple?鈥?
鈥淢agic is anything but simple,鈥?stated Aron, magic was always such a touchy subject with him. 鈥淵ou have to know the Kragle language thoroughly to be able to make anything happen. You have to know exactly what you want to do. You have to have brains Will!鈥?
鈥淥kay, Okay,鈥?said Will. This was why he didn鈥檛 like Aron very much; he always got worked up about a lot of things, especially magic. 鈥淲ell then I guess I want to鈥m鈥 guess I want to鈥m what do you suggest?鈥?
鈥淔or you, I would suggest a decision making charm.鈥?
鈥淥kay, how do I do that?鈥?asked Will, partly laughing.
Aron laughed. 鈥淭hat one is one of the harder charms. Seriously though, I think that you should try to levitate something.鈥?
鈥淥kay what鈥檚 the word for it?鈥?br>
鈥淟evitainta,鈥?said Aron. 鈥淏ut make sure you concentrate and point your finger at the object, like this,鈥?Aron pointed his index-finger at Benewen and flicked it while saying 鈥淟evitainta Benewen.鈥?The skattle began to levitate and was hissing and scratching at the air. Will laughed and Aron let Benewen come down.
鈥淏ecause he鈥檚 master he can do what he pleases but he won鈥檛 like it when he gets the sneezes.鈥?Aron smiled at Will and winked.
鈥淐an I try?鈥?asked Will
鈥淭ry you may but not on Benewen I say.鈥?
鈥淚 think that answers your question,鈥?said Aron with a chuckle. 鈥淭ry it on that book over there. Say novena鈥?
鈥淟evitainta novena,鈥?said Will flicking his finger. The book hovered in the air for a brief moment and collapsed.
鈥淭hat鈥檚 great!鈥?said Aron astonished and Will thought he detected the tiniest amount of pride in his voice.
鈥淏ut it fell right away,鈥?said Will confused and a little disappointed.
鈥淏ut it rose,鈥?said Aron. 鈥淚t rose because you can do magic. You鈥檝e passed the test and you haven鈥檛 even taken it yet!鈥?
鈥淚 have!? Can you teach me more so that I can ace the test?鈥?br>
鈥淲ork on lifting objects for now and maybe I鈥檒l teach you a little more.鈥?
鈥淭hanks,鈥?said Will and he set his mug down, got up and began to walk to the door.
鈥淭ell your mother I said 鈥楬i鈥?鈥?called Aron.
鈥淚 will,鈥?said Will and with that he exited the cottage.
Chapter two
Jamane
Will walked home, his mind full of thoughts. Only one child born a year was allowed to use magic when they turned sixteen. Magic users were limited because they had more power than the King! And if Will trained really hard, he may be that one! Imagine him, a lowly shop helper, a wizard! And Aron seemed pleased. Aron, who always seemed so old and angry, yet was treated with the utmost respect, thought he could do it! If it came down to two people, Aron would choose Will to teach!
Will rushed home, gave his mother Aron鈥檚 greeting, and went to his room. His room was nothing special. There was a small bed pushed against the wall, a desk, and a dresser with a picture on it. Will walked over to the dresser and looked at the picture. It was a sketch of a man with straight, dark-brown hair, like Will鈥檚, and electric-blue eyes, Will鈥檚 eyes.
鈥淚鈥檓 going to make you proud dad,鈥?Will whispered. Will was only a few months old when his father died. King Moragon needed men to fight and chose Will鈥檚 dad. Three weeks later, Will鈥檚 mother had gotten a letter saying that Will鈥檚 father had gone missing. Years passed and there was no word of his father. Eventually he was declared dead.
In that time, Aron had moved into town and Benewen had givven Will his scar when he had pulled on the skattle鈥檚 tail. For some reason, this memory always made Will smile. Maybe it was because he was now fond of the skattle or maybe it was simply because he liked the shape, the scar had taken.
Will picked a rock off the floor and sat on his bed. Not knowing the word for rock he hesitantly decided to use the normal language. 鈥淟evitainta rock,鈥?he said, flicking his finger at the rock. The rock rose a little higher than the book had and fell a little later, and he didn鈥檛 need the Kragle language! Will tried over and over again until he could lift the rock a foot in the air for a minute. He was going to be the new wizard! There was no way anyone could beat him now, unless everyone else was practicing too. Will hadn鈥檛 thought about that before. It would be cheating for Aron to only give him help. He must be giving everyone else help too. Especially the King鈥檚 son, Morganarth. Yes, thought Will. Morganarth would most definitely be given help. But maybe he wouldn鈥檛 practice. He was, after all, as arrogant as Jamane, if not more. He would think himself to important to practice. Possibly every sixteen year-old boy would think themselves to important to practice. For they were not as poor and lowly as Will. They all had fathers who lived with them.
Will looked out his window and saw the moon was high in the sky. He crawled into bed and instantly fell asleep.
Will鈥檚 dreams were filled with wizards, skattles, and Morganarth. He woke up feeling less confident and lifted the stone in the air just to make sure he really could do it.
He walked into the kitchen and ate the oatmeal that was for breakfast. 鈥淎re you going to work today?鈥?His mother asked.
鈥淚 have to,鈥?said Will.
鈥淐an you give these quilts to Mrs. Kindle?鈥?
鈥淪ure,鈥?said Will taking the blankets from his mother鈥檚 hands. 鈥淚 better get going then,鈥?He said and left the house. He got into town and walked into the grocery store. 鈥淗ello Mr. Kindle,鈥?said Will cheerfully. 鈥淢om told me to give these to your wife.鈥?
鈥淎h yes,鈥?said the store owner. 鈥淟illian told me to give you this.鈥?He handed a small pouch of money to Will. 鈥淢r. Fisher also sold me quite a few fish today and I need you to stock them in the ice patches.鈥?
鈥淥kay,鈥?said Will. He put his apron on and made his way through the crowded shop to the frozen meat section. He began to place the fish into boxes of ice, when a tanned girl of about fifteen came into the store.
鈥淗ello Jamane,鈥?came the voice of Mr. Kindle.
鈥淗ello,鈥?said Jamane. She looked around the shop and spotted Will. She smiled at him and he half-heartedly returned it.
鈥淲hat can I do you for?鈥?asked the shop owner.
鈥淚 need to buy some fish for King Moragon鈥檚 supper.鈥?
鈥淟ucky for you, we just got some fish in today. Why don鈥檛 you help her Will?鈥?
鈥淲hat- oh okay,鈥?said Will not looking forward to this at all. Jamane walked over to him, her long, straight, black hair flowing behind her. 鈥淲hat kind do you want?鈥?
鈥淲hat would you recommend?鈥?she asked, still smiling.
鈥淭his one鈥檚 a large one, fresh and looks good,鈥?said Will trying to get her out of the store as fast as he could. But instead of her getting up to leave, she bent down and reached across his arm to examine the fish herself. As if she knew more about fish than him.
鈥淚t looks very good,鈥?she agreed looking a little disappointed.
鈥淚鈥檒l wrap it up for you.鈥?Will walked over to the counter and began to place paper around the fish. He truly didn鈥檛 like the King鈥檚 slave.
In the same war that Will鈥檚 father had died in, Jamane had been taken hostage from her country, Shiqueta and had never even been looked for. She was placed in the King鈥檚 service and was a kitchen maid. She was also betrothed to the King鈥檚 son, Morganarth.
Jamane walked over to the counter. 鈥淪o when do you test?鈥?she asked.
鈥淒ecember,鈥?grunted Will.
鈥淢organarth is testing too.鈥?br>
鈥淗as he shown any sign of magic?鈥?he asked trying not to get his hopes up.
鈥淣othing, Aron鈥檚 been working on it with him but nothing has happened yet.鈥?
鈥淲hat鈥檚 he suppose to do?鈥?asked Will intrigued against his will.
鈥淗e鈥檚 suppose to lift an object.鈥?
鈥淗mmm. Well there you go,鈥?said Will handing her the package.
鈥淭hanks,鈥?said Jamane. 鈥淚鈥檒l see you around then Will.鈥?
鈥淵ea probably, bye.鈥?Jamane gave Will a strange look, almost a longing one and then turned around and walked out of the store.
Morganarth and her would be the perfect couple, he thought. Both arrogant, stubborn, and, (as much as Will hated to admit it, even to himself) Jamane was exceptionally beautiful.
Chapter three
A life not worth living
Will didn鈥檛 go directly home after work. Instead he went to Aron鈥檚 cottage. He knocked on the door, and Aron allowed him inside.
鈥淲hat do you want boy?鈥?asked the old man.
鈥淚 wanted to know,鈥?replied Will cautiously. 鈥淲hen you use magic, do you absolutely have to say what you want to do in the Kragle language? Or can you say it in our language?鈥?
鈥淢ost people have to say it in the Kragle language, but there are a few people who are powerful enough that they can use ours. Why?鈥?
鈥淚 was just wondering incase I get put into a situation where I need to use magic, but I don鈥檛 know the word for it.鈥?
鈥淵ou鈥檙e getting ahead of yourself there,鈥?said Aron. 鈥淵ou have to pass the test first. But yes there are a few people who can use magic without the Kragle language, but those people have to be very careful not to do magic when they don鈥檛 intend to. And I must warn you Will, it鈥檚 not just words that control magic, its feelings too. If you feel very strongly, you can do something that you don鈥檛 intend to.鈥?
鈥淐an you use magic with out the Kragle language?鈥?asked Will not listening to what Aron just said.
鈥淵es, I am one of those few,鈥?replied Aron. He flicked his finger at a book. 鈥淟evitate book,鈥?he said and the book rose high in the air.
鈥淎s long as it鈥檚 not Benewen lifted, master may show that he is gifted,鈥?came Benewen鈥檚 voice as he walked in from the other room.
鈥淵ou鈥檙e welcome, Benewen,鈥?said Aron smiling and Will laughed. 鈥淪o have you been practicing?鈥?br>
鈥淵es,鈥?said Will as though he had been a naughty child caught in the act.
鈥淚 thought you would be,鈥?said Aron laughing and Will looked up. He wasn鈥檛 acting as though he was angry. 鈥淪how me what you got.鈥?
Will looked at the book Aron had just lifted. 鈥淟evitainta novena.鈥?He didn鈥檛 want to show that he could do it with the normal language. The book rose high in the air and stayed there for about a minute.
鈥淓xcellent!鈥?cried Aron when the book came down. 鈥淵ou have been practicing!鈥?br>
鈥淚 can do something else too,鈥?said Will deciding on the spot to show Aron. 鈥淟evitate book,鈥?and the book rose again. Aron looked stunned.
鈥淵ou鈥檙e sixteen right?鈥?
鈥淵es,鈥?said Will nervously. Now he was wondering whether or not this was a good idea.
鈥淢ost adult wizards can鈥檛 do this! For your test though, stick to the Kragle language. And don鈥檛 tell anyone that you can do this! If word gets to the King, you will never be allowed out of the castle.鈥?
鈥淪ecret, secret, secret make your mouth shut and keep it,鈥?said Benewen as he jumped up onto Aron鈥檚 lap.
鈥淥kay,鈥?said Will nervously. 鈥淚 won鈥檛 tell anyone anything.鈥?br>
鈥淵ou better get home now,鈥?said Aron. Will got up, scratched Benewen鈥檚 ear, and walked out of the cottage.
Will was worried now. At the time, he thought that showing Aron what he could do was a good idea. Now he wasn鈥檛 so sure. Would Aron tell the King? Surely he wouldn鈥檛. He had told Will not to so why would he? But what if he was forced to said a voice at the back of his mind.
If the King found out, Will would become a slave. He would be forced to do the King鈥檚 bidding. He would have to fight in any wars. He would have to die to save the soldiers. If he was discovered to have more power than the King, he would be like Aron.
Aron came to Arainia two years after Will was born. No one knew anything of his past. He was subjected to take the magic test and passed. The King became extremely worried, for no one had ever been able to perform magic before. The King made Aron move into the capitol, Juna, and become his slave. Aron wasn鈥檛 able to do much, for he was under the constant threat of death. All he could do was train any new wizards should they ever appear.
Will knew that he had to be careful now or else lead a life that was not worth living. Thank you to everyone who reads this and I really do value your opinion so please comment so that I can make this better. Wonderful!! This story had the makings of the beginning of a new fantasy series. It has adventure, turmoil, and a hint of romance (Jamane). You have a very nice writing style that makes the reader want to know more about Will. Your story has good, smooth flow and very informal, thoughtful language. You might want to get more in touch with Will's feelings, though. For example, when Jamane casts a longing look in Will's direction when he is wrapping her fish, you could say that he felt a bit confused or embarrassed. During the part when Will vents his feelings about Morganarth, you could say he was imagining doing some rather mean things to him ("Will could almost picture himself sinking his fist into Morganarth's sneering, arrogant face." or you could say" "Will imagined himself unleashing his magical powers while Morganarth grew red-faced with jealousy.) I think that getting the readers more connected with Will would make the readers feel much closer to him and would make them more willing (pun intended) to follow him on his journey. You did an awesome job and I wish you luck on your story. (I hope your story turns into a book or a series!!! It's sure to be a bestseller!) For 14, good. For something anybody would ever want to read ever, not so much.
Those are kind words, coming from me, so chillax. You've got more potential than 99% of the Twilight-snorting idiots on these boards. As you develop your writing from now on, don't worry so much about plot and character development. Anybody can do that. Instead focus on your writing style, diction, syntax, and flow. Make your writing interesting, not just what you're writing about. Read a lot, of course, and in a big range. No more 'teen' books for you, ever. Read Hemingway, Poe, Pynchon, and Vonnegut. i liked it and for fourteen you are pretty good, i started writing at ten but i can't seem to manage finishing a story, writers block is a totall beeyotch. hope you keep working on it. ok dude that was really good.......and im 14 as well and im writting a story or book you may call it......... Didn't read it all, but what I did read was pretty good. =) |
